Blair Witte: Too Cool For School. Seriously. She Didn't Graduate*.º

Blair, sitting under a freshly tagged wall, basks in the glow of the evening sun.  Here she contemplates the meaning of life, and also ways to shank Rudy.  Notice the switch blade in her hand.  A true killer.  When asked if she graduated high school, Blair said "matt, you're an idiot".  That's a confession if i've ever heard one.

Rudy, unaware of the danger around the corner, awkwardly stares at the camera.  Two things about this photo. First, If you concentrate like you're looking at one of those stupid 3d trick pictures that i could never see, it looks like rudy is missing hands.  Second, Rudy's shadow is really small and appears to be missing arms.

The afternoon sun casts shadows across the old milk factory.  Here is where 10,000 gallons of pure unadulterated milk flowed from the udders of some 200,000 unwilling participants.

The sun has a circumference of approximately 4,366,800 km, which is 2,713,403 miles if you're American.

Skip Armstrong gently sets the camera down in order to pick up some used gum that he found on the ground.  I told him it was gross and that it was too old, but he said, and i quote, "no gum is too old".  When he picked it up we realized that it wasn't actually gum, and that it was in fact a used needle, so. . . . . yeah.  don't do drugs.

A single shaft of light makes its way from the sun, approximately 149,600,000 km away, across the dusty floor, illuminating Blair's earlier tags.

Ryan Hudson takes a minute out of his day to organize some buckets.  When Ryan was younger, he won best bucket organizer at the county fair three years in a row.  Later in his life, Ryan was banned from bucket organizing competitions after testing positive for Ritalin.  When asked about this situation, he said "Matt, you're an idiot".

At the end of the day, when asked again about graduating from high school, Blair Witte singlehandedly punched out almost every panel on the garage door. Note to self.  Don't ask Blair about high school.

*She didn't not graduate.
ºAlso everything that is written in this post is not true.  Except for the part about Skip eating used gum.  That's true.

Chad Parkinson: Dog Murderer Extraordinaire°

This is Kevin the dog.  Kevin is an idiot, but also very lovable.  Kevin disappeared two weeks ago under mysterious circumstances.

This is Chad.  Chad is a fine "woodworker".  One week ago, Chad came to work with a leather apron that strangely resembled Kevin, complete with eyeballs and dog hair.  now i'm no detective, but it doesn't take a degree in physics to look in to those eyes and know that Chad made Kevin in to that apron.

Note that the leather apron does indeed look like Kevin, the dog.  If you look close under his right hand, you'll see a hole where one of his eyes probably was.  Poor Kevin, the dog.

Note that the leather apron does indeed look like Kevin, the dog.  If you look close under his right hand, you'll see a hole where one of his eyes probably was.  Poor Kevin, the dog.

If you could hear what Chad is listening to, you would here this: "I did it all for the nookie (come on). The nookie (come on). So you can take that cookie, and stick it up your (yeah). Stick it up your (yeah).  Stick it up your (yeah). Stick it up your."  Real classy, Chad.  Real classy.  Why don't you join us in 2013.

At night, Chad slinks around SLC, cutting down trees.  He uses some of these trees to build "furniture", but mostly he just burns them for fun.

At night, Chad slinks around SLC, cutting down trees.  He uses some of these trees to build "furniture", but mostly he just burns them for fun.

This is Chad's shop.  The number of energy drinks and snickers bars consumed at this shop would blow your mind, as well as your colon.

When Chad was younger, everybody called him "soft hands chad", because he had soft hands. . . naturally.   You can only take so much name calling before it effects you.  Sometime in early 2003, Chad had his name legally changed to Soft Hands Chad, but to be kind, we just call him Hands for short, except for this post, in which i'll refer to him as Chad.

This is a chair that Chad made.  It's ok.  I've seen better.  I'm not sure why he hung it on the wall.  Probably as a reminder to try harder.

Truth be told, Chad isn't actually making anything.  He tells people that he makes things, but then he just goes in and sands these shafts down to nothing.  Maybe someday, he'll graduate to real woodworking, but for now, he's content being a really good shaft sander.

°Just so we're all clear, at no time has Chad Parkinson ever murdered a dog in order to make an apron.  He is way too lazy for that.