Monday, November 21, 2016

Things I Hate: Updated

Things I Hate.

It’s been a while since I’ve posted anything mean, so I thought I’d do a quick recap of everything I hate. They are in no particular order, so if you end up thinking you might be on the list, just assume that you are, and that I hate you the most.

  1. The word wanderlust ie. “I consider myself a wanderlust”.
  2. Ragnar (or any relay event where you just run behind a car for small amounts of time).
  3. Whole Tomatoes, possibly down to slices of tomatoes. Chunks in salsa are fine.
  4. Corn. Not Popcorn. Especially poopcorn.
  5. Excessive #hashtagging.
  6. Hashtag Activism ie, Kony 2012.
  7. All Kevins.
  8. Five finger shoes.
  9. Donald Trump.
  10. Selfie Sticks.
  11. Selfies.
  12. Myself when I take selfies.
  13. The word creative. ie. “I consider myself a creative”.
  14. All devon supertramp videos. ALL of them.
  15. The question “working hard, or hardly working?”.
  16. Swimming.
  17. Ugly babies.
  18. Instagram “ambassadors”.
  19. Reggae.
  20. Racists.
  21. People who complain about excessive tick marks.
  22. Boulder, CO. Not the town itself, just everyone in it.
  23. People telling me what to do.
  24. High pitched voices.
  25. The smell of marijuana.
  26. Kids who cheat at board games.
  27. Kids in general.
  28. The south.
  29. Anything to do with standup paddle boarding.
  30. Pretentious Vegans.
  31. The acronym bae.
  32. Anything Michael bay has ever put his cocaine covered fingers on.
  33. The phrase “Alls I’m saying”.
  34. The concept of freedom fries.
  35. Mismatched socks.
  36. Bike thieves.
  37. Running at noon.
  38. Misusing "they're, their, and there".
  39. Accidentally getting poop on your hands.
  40. Mayonnaise.
  41. Bark beetles
  42. The television show “how I met your mother”
  43. Laugh tracks. Because if I think it’s funny, I’ll laugh.
  44. Netflix shows with Adam Sandler and cast.

I think that’s mostly it. Let me know if you think I've missed anything.

Monday, August 10, 2015

Selfie Sticks: Gods Least Favorite Creation

Never in human history has God regretted anything more than allowing the creation of selfie sticks. That is a heavy statement if you consider the Holocaust, but as it stands He’s generally pretty disappointed with everyone involved.

There are many reasons to assume why God is so bummed out. It could be the narcissism. People have been way too concerned with themselves for quite some time now, especially since the advent of reflections in still bodies of water, but selfie sticks take it to a whole new level. Why someone feels the need to insert his or her own fat face into every single photo is beyond me. Can you imagine if all your childhood photos involved your mother or father using you as a prop? It’d be awful.

Maybe I’m off base. Maybe God isn’t bummed so much as he’s just really embarrassed. After all, an omnipotent figure is forced to see a lot of embarrassing things (ie. Japanese game shows, French people, the south), so I can imagine how red his face gets when he’s forced to watch some adult walk around Yosemite trying to get the perfect angle of his face with half dome in the background, all because he’s too lazy to ask any of the 500 other humans around him to help take his photo. Oh the humanity.

To me, selfie sticks are indicative of a larger cultural problem. This idea that nobody interacts with one another anymore is very real. People are becoming more and more reliant on technology, which isn’t necessarily a bad thing, except when relying on that technology removes you from all social interactions.

It’s like homeschool. Have you ever talked to someone who was homeschooled? It’s as if they have never been in a social situation. Imagine a world filled with homeschooled people walking around making every conversation uncomfortable. Not ideal.

As a “photographer”, I shudder at the thought of selfie sticks. Not so much the physical nature of them, but more the possibility that they just don’t go away, like an STI. Amiright, Kevin Bennett!?!?! Just kidding. But seriously though, Kevin, that sucks.

What’s more terrifying, is that people are just accepting the Narcisstick¬™ as if it’s a normal part of life. It’s not normal. Since when has walking around with a giant phallic metal rod with a camera on top° been normal? Even if I was the last person on the planet, and I really needed a photo of myself, I would still rather punch myself in the face, and put the selfie stick through my eye than use it for its intended purpose.

I guess more than anything, I think selfie sticks are just stupid, and only assholes use them.

ª The Narcisstick was the brain child of Annie Trujillo until I googled it and saw that somebody already owned the website. Sorry Annie.

° Outside of burning man