Wednesday, February 12, 2014

The Gluten Free Fad: Stop Kidding Yourself.

Ok, first of all, the majority of you “gluten-free” jerkoffs aren’t gluten intolerant, so stop it. If I have to hear one more “Is this gluten free” from some hippie in Whole Foods staring at bread, I’m going to lose my shit.

I did some unbiased research for this post, googling “why are people so stupid that they think they need to be gluten free” and an article popped up from Slate, which as you all know Is a reputable news site. . .

I learned that Celiac Disease is different than having a gluten intolerance or wheat allergy. Unfortunately, most people think they are the same thing because they’re idiots.

To help you out, I’ve listed the definitions of all three.t

According to science. . . . . and Slate, “Celiac disease occurs in some people when fragments of gluten bond with intestinal proteins and provoke a powerful, misdirected immune overreaction from white blood cells. The friendly fire destroys the microscopic fingers called villi that line the small intestine and normally absorb nutrients.  Once bombed out, the intestine can’t function correctly, causing symptoms such as belly pain, diarrhea, iron deficiency, and other severe problems. It occurs in 1 out of 100 people and is under diagnosed. “

Wow, That sounds pretty terrible, and it is, but you probably don’t have that (if you do, then this post isn’t directed at you).  What you might have is. . . .

A wheat allergy, which is essentially like a peanut allergy where you have an allergic reaction to wheat. This might cause hives, sneezing, wheezing, and other side effects.  Feeling fat is not a side effect, so that means you probably have. . . .

A “gluten intolerance”, which is something you’ve made up in your mind so that you can think that you’re better than other people. Ha! Jokes on you.  You’re not.

Here’s a real intolerance; My intolerance for people who think they’re doing humanity a favor by not eating products with gluten. All you’re doing is wasting money. How about this. Instead of spending the extra cash on gluten free food, just give me the money and I’ll use it to wipe my sweaty body after I finish carbo-loading on wafers and bread.

Seriously, why would you subject yourself to the mediocrity of gluten-free lifestyle if you didn’t absolutely have to? Are you really trying that hard to impress your friends? Maybe you should take a step back and examine your definition of friendship because real friends wouldn’t care if you ate gluten. They wouldn’t even care if you ate Taco Bell 5 times a week as long as it made you happy. You can’t tell me that sifting through the gluten free isle, like Golem frantically searching through the mud for his ring, makes you happy. I mean you could tell me that, but I’d probably just spit in your face.

Remember. Friends don’t let friends go gluten free.

Wednesday, January 22, 2014

Upworthy: This Blog Post Will Make You Rethink Everything You Think You Know About Your Opinion Of Upworthy.

Because Upworthy sucks and the fact that you get tricked into that ridiculous twaddle means your opinion is wrong, and we need to change that.

I think the majority of people I know have, at some point in the past year, posted something to facebook from Upworthy, so yeah, the finger is pointed at you. All of you.

Let me tell you what’s wrong with Upworthy.

Their titles. . . .

In the history of human civilization, I don’t think anything has ever been created that is more annoying than Upworthy’s titles. I hate those titles more than I hate junior high kids, which says a lot since I was just hanging out at the mall uppercutting 14 years olds.

If you need examples of their shittery, the “ok” people over at Funny or Die did some work and created “upworthy” style titles for movies, which are funny enough to make it through about half of them, before getting the point, as well as getting bored. You’ll see that they’re all pretty much the same, similar to Devin Grahms youtube page.

To be fair, it’s not your fault.  The editors that create the titles are brilliant, and know exactly what to say in order to get page views, which is all this is really about; page views, which means advertisements, which means money. Just an FYI, to be extra fair, I’m really concerned about page views as well.  After I post, I sit at my computer and watch the number come in.  It’s a sad event that usually culminates with me driving to Village Inn to eat a few pies, while simultaneously yelling at the waitress for putting a tomato on my hamburger when I specifically asked her for no tomato.

The fact that they know exactly what to write so that people will share their horseshit content isn’t the issue. The issue is their horseshit content isn’t their horseshit content.  It’s somebody else’s horseshit content that they put on their horseshit website along with one of those horseshit titles.  THEY DON’T DO ANYTHING!!!! I feel like I’m taking crazy pills. They’re just a content aggregator, an information parasite. They latch on the creative and slowly suck away all that is good and pure, turning it into a steamy turd sandwich on rye.

Yes, I realize that a lot of popular websites do the same thing, but just because everyone else is doing it, doesn’t make it right. If everyone listened to Nickelback and drove around with truck nutz hanging from their car, would you? Probably, because you’re an idiot, but that doesn’t make it right.

Websites like Gawker and Buzzfeed are also content aggregators, but at least they write something funny to go along with the “news” story.  Upworthy doesn’t even bother with that. They write one line that’s supposed to leave you so saturated, that you can’t help but watch. They don’t even do any research!!!!! They just look at other websites and pick up what’s starting to go viral.  It is absolutely insane that this website even exists.

In all seriousness though, the concept of getting a lot out of doing the minimal amount of work is how we do things here in America, so I shouldn’t be too upset. I guess I’m just miffed that I haven’t figured out the secret formula to my own lazy success story.

UPDATE: If you are regular Upworthy poster, just share the video straight from Youtube with your own title.  Just make something up.  Anything. Mash your fingers are the keyboard.  Anything would be better than reading the terrible titles from Upworthy.