Wednesday, April 23, 2014

Conversations over Coffee: Soccer vs. Football

Now just to clear up any confusion, we’re not going to talk about sports. I think they’re a waste of time and I’d rather poke my own eyes out than spend time watching them, let along talk about them. . . . Actually, I take that back. I wouldn’t poke my own eyes out, but I would poke other people’s eyes out. Anyway, what we are actually going to talk about is something I overheard the other day while “working” at a coffee shop.

This guy, a very white American, said in a voice that was meant to be heard by everyone around him, “when I hear the word football, I think of soccer”, which is absolutely absurd, and I have a few things I’d like to say about that subject.
  1. No you don’t.
  2. If you actually do, then you're either foreign, or an asshole, or both. 

You can’t tell me that growing up in America, the land of the free, home of the brave, that you relate to what everyone else on the planet thinks. We are a proud people, and have shunned what everyone else does, even if it makes sense. Case in point:

- Metric System: Nope.
- Universal Heathcare: Go back to Canaduh, Socialist Commies.
- Cheese Wheels: Laissez faire, you frogs.
- Exercise: Fat Chance.
- Bullet Trains: No!
- Not Refrigerating Eggs: Why do we refrigerate eggs?

The point is. I don’t see how the word “football” can make you think of soccer, when you have grown up in a society that thinks the exact opposite. Just be proud to be an American. When I travel abroad, I love bringing the traits that make me a part of this country, and spread them like a virus so that others can see just how great our culture is: T-shirts. Loud talking. Driving on the right. Occupy Iraq (loved that movement). These are all things that make us who we are, just like not recognizing football as an international ball sport is who we are as well. 


Wednesday, February 12, 2014

The Gluten Free Fad: Stop Kidding Yourself.

Ok, first of all, the majority of you “gluten-free” jerkoffs aren’t gluten intolerant, so stop it. If I have to hear one more “Is this gluten free” from some hippie in Whole Foods staring at bread, I’m going to lose my shit.

I did some unbiased research for this post, googling “why are people so stupid that they think they need to be gluten free” and an article popped up from Slate, which as you all know Is a reputable news site. . .

I learned that Celiac Disease is different than having a gluten intolerance or wheat allergy. Unfortunately, most people think they are the same thing because they’re idiots.

To help you out, I’ve listed the definitions of all three.t

According to science. . . . . and Slate, “Celiac disease occurs in some people when fragments of gluten bond with intestinal proteins and provoke a powerful, misdirected immune overreaction from white blood cells. The friendly fire destroys the microscopic fingers called villi that line the small intestine and normally absorb nutrients.  Once bombed out, the intestine can’t function correctly, causing symptoms such as belly pain, diarrhea, iron deficiency, and other severe problems. It occurs in 1 out of 100 people and is under diagnosed. “

Wow, That sounds pretty terrible, and it is, but you probably don’t have that (if you do, then this post isn’t directed at you).  What you might have is. . . .

A wheat allergy, which is essentially like a peanut allergy where you have an allergic reaction to wheat. This might cause hives, sneezing, wheezing, and other side effects.  Feeling fat is not a side effect, so that means you probably have. . . .

A “gluten intolerance”, which is something you’ve made up in your mind so that you can think that you’re better than other people. Ha! Jokes on you.  You’re not.

Here’s a real intolerance; My intolerance for people who think they’re doing humanity a favor by not eating products with gluten. All you’re doing is wasting money. How about this. Instead of spending the extra cash on gluten free food, just give me the money and I’ll use it to wipe my sweaty body after I finish carbo-loading on wafers and bread.

Seriously, why would you subject yourself to the mediocrity of gluten-free lifestyle if you didn’t absolutely have to? Are you really trying that hard to impress your friends? Maybe you should take a step back and examine your definition of friendship because real friends wouldn’t care if you ate gluten. They wouldn’t even care if you ate Taco Bell 5 times a week as long as it made you happy. You can’t tell me that sifting through the gluten free isle, like Golem frantically searching through the mud for his ring, makes you happy. I mean you could tell me that, but I’d probably just spit in your face.

Remember. Friends don’t let friends go gluten free.