Wednesday, July 1, 2015

National Days of Observation: Time To Do Some Wrangling

OMG, Did you know that February 6th is National Lame Duck Day?!?! Probably not, because that’s the stupidest thing on the planet. We don’t need a day designated to remind us that ducks tell dad jokes. In fact, we don’t need most of the “National Days of Observation”.

The crux of the problem revolves around this website. . . .

It’s a catalog of every single day in the year and what National Days are associated with it. Reading through the separate days, you realize two things. There are so many reasons to celebrate, but on the contrary, there are also many reasons to burn this entire country to the ground.

Really, it just seems like this is an out of control situation that needs to be taken care of, and since I’m the self appointed arbiter of everything that is wrong in the world, I have decided to selflessly drop myself into the mix, creating a list of guidelines that should fix the issue.

1. They can’t be so broad – Most of these days are specific, like national donut day, or something like that, however some are really broad, and I think this causes confusion on a mass scale. For instance. . .

March 28th is National Something On a Stick Day. Really? What about a cat on a stick or a turd on a stick ? Is that something you’d celebrate? Because to me, that doesn’t seem like I’d want to celebrate either of those.

May is National Photograph Month – What does this even mean? Like what about child pornography? Are you saying that you celebrate child pornography?

Dec 1st is World Aids Day. Uhhhhh, so does that mean you’re giving everyone AIDS? Is it AIDS appreciation day, like you’re happy that AIDS exists? Is it AIDS Awareness Day?

A lot of these days of observations cause problems because they’re not specific enough, and it gives people free range on how to celebrate, which isn’t always a good thing.

2. One day of observation per day – Some of the days on the calendar have upwards of 8 or 9 days of observation. This can be very confusing for us normal ignoramuses’s

We need to prioritize. As a nation, we are too caught up in trying to dip our grubby little fat fingers in everything. Iraq, Afghanistan, Somalia, the list goes on. It’s time we take a step back and truly figure out what’s important.

We can’t have National Roast Suckling Pig Day, Free Shipping Day, Answer the Telephone Like Buddy The Elf Day, International Migrants Day and Underdog Day all on the 18th of Dec.

Obviously that day goes to National Roast Suckling Pig Day, so all those other days are just going to have to go suckle it.

3. No Corporate Sponsorships – There are a handful of days that have been claimed by specific products,

Did you know that May 8th is National Have a Coke Day? Coca Cola, why are you taking over my days? I didn’t ask for this. It’s bad enough that I literally cannot go anywhere on this planet without seeing your logo somewhere. Why are you taking over my days? Why don’t you just go buy more ad space in some third world country instead?

Maybe, as an alternative for National Have a Coke Day, it should be National Have a Soda Day?

4. No Dumb Food Days – You can’t have a day of observation for soda.

5. No Days that remind us to do something that we shouldn’t need to be reminded to do – there are certain things in life that should come standard: Heated seats, ten fingers, and an inherent knowledge of how to not murder someone.  So why are there days specifically designed to remind us to do or not do something that we already should or should not be doing? Case in point. . .

May 1st – National Loyalty Day. Why is this a day? Like you shouldn’t be loyal every other day of the year? I don’t get it. Why would you need to be more loyal one day over any other day? It seems like loyalty should be a trait that you just have, and you shouldn’t have to be reminded of it.

Is there a national do masturbate in public day? Because that, like loyalty, is something that goes without saying.

6. Appropriate time lengths for observations

Do we really need the entire month of August to think about Catfish? Probably not.
Could we do with a month of celebrating Paul Bunyan instead of the usual one day on June 28th? Probably. Deciding what days to cut and what to extend is a pretty difficult job.  Here’s a quick guideline. First ask yourself, does it need a full month of celebrating? Really? Does it really need that? Are you sure? On a scale of 1-10, how sure are you? Will you die if you don’t celebrate it the entire month?

If you can answer all those questions with a “yes”, then go for it, but if you find yourself answer “no”, then maybe you should think about scaling it back a little bit.

7. Don’t tell me what I need to observe - If I personally want to observe every day as Matt’s Donut Hole Day, then that’s what I’m going to do. I don’t need you telling me how to live my life.

The bottom line is I don’t like to be told what to do, or told how to celebrate my days. The founding fathers wrote in the Constitution, “no day shall be designated for things that are dumb, but only for things that are great”. I’m pretty sure they intended for us to skip over National Battery Day and National Crab Stuffed Flounder Day so as an American, I cannot support this, and I hope that after you go see what stupid days are on your birthday, you won’t support it either.

Tuesday, June 9, 2015

Instagram: Justify My Selfie

On a top ten list of the worst things on the planet, Instagram selfies come in at #3, right behind reality tv, and right in front of accidentally cutting the tip of your penis off. If you laughed, you’re a terrible person because none of those things are funny, however, what is funny are people’s excuses as to why they post pictures of themselves.

Here are a couple examples of what I’m talking about.

[Happy Martin Luther King day! Hope you’re getting outside today. #ihaveadream]

When I first saw this caption I was speechless. I didn’t even know how to respond. Having had some time to think about it for a while now, I probably would have responded with, “I don’t think that phrase means what you think it means”, unless they know something about MLK’s dream that I don’t. Maybe he did dream about privileged white girls posting unnecessary photos of themselves. I don’t know. . . Anyway, just because I try not to only pick on privileged white girls, here is this little gem.

[Loving this lamb and cous cous!]

Oh really?! Please, tell me more about your dinner. I’m just dying to know what it was like. Lamb and couscous? Sounds expensive. Ralph Lauren? What style. It really looks like you were enjoying the shit out of your entire evening. Thanks for using #dinner as an excuse to upload your fat face to the Internet.

On top of idiotic people and their excuses, here’s the rest of the list of things on Instagram that are really annoying to me.

2. Ruining a perfectly good landscape – Similar to the topic above, ruining a perfectly good landscape photo with a picture of your trimmed, bearded face really chaps my thighs. It’s not like we’re not going to believe that you were there unless you put yourself in the photo. I don’t need your bleach blond hair and pearly white teeth covering what could potentially be an amazing landscape photo.

3. #blessed -

An example of the correct use for the hashtag “blessed”:

Notice that the word “blessed” is used in the photo. While it definitely is a questionable choice as far as tattoos are concerned, at least he used the hashtag correctly. Other correct examples of the hashtag would be on photos of churchy things and babies. I would also accept it if you were a rookie cop who went undercover, posing as a racing team member, in order to investigate a jewelry heist and you ended up taking an instagram photo of your street family holding hands around a picnic table, right before you went off and embarked on a dangerous mission that ended in a climactic showdown.

an example of the incorrect use of the hasthag “blessed”:

Notice how there is nothing in the photo that would indicate anyone is being blessed with anything other than the gift of herpes. I mean, unless Jesus Christ himself came down out of the heavens and took that photo, I just can’t grasp the concept that wearing a shitty pair of jeans that you could find under a tree at Pioneer Park somehow means that you’re #blessed.

4. Animals with IG accounts (TAYLOR AND RENAN) – Come on. There is nothing more humiliating than seeing that a dog’s Instagram account has more followers than you. I get it, your animal is cute and you’re popular, but don’t you have anything better to do with your time than making everyone else feel worthless? I don’t know. Maybe that’s just me.

5. Fake self-deprecation - These are similar to the #progress posts where people just post photos of their hawt bawds to show how far they’ve come in life, except usually they’re filled with sad faced emoticons complaining about how they’re feeling out of shape.

Give me a break. Why don’t you stop wasting megabytes and go choke on a hotdog.

6. Gratuitous Tagging – Look, we know your sponsors need those tags so that everyone can know who is funding your trips, but you’re really doing your sponsors and friends a disservice when you systemically tag every outdoor company on the planet. Let’s keep it civil. And by “let’s” I mean “you”. You keep it civil.

7. Challenges –  I don’t know why this is on my list because I’m still participating in the B&W challenge. Totes amazing.

8. Follows for Follows - The most annoying type of comment that I see on Instagram is the “follow for follow” comment. Usually it’s abbreviated to read f4f since people can’t be bothered to spell out the entire word, but what they’re getting at is that they really really really want you to follow their account and if you follow their account, then they’ll follow you. I’m no wallstreet business tycoon, but that seems like a pretty sweet deal. Count me in.

Whenever I see one of those comments, I think, “Yeah, I’ll follow you. . . to your house so I can punch you right in the neck”, because nothing makes me want to neck punch more than reading annoying comments on Instagram. And when I say nothing, I mean nothing.

Now, before you inundate my email with love letters, I’m going to go ahead and stop you. Yes, I could just unfollow people and not read comments, but do you know what? I’m not going to. If I want to look at stupid instagram feeds and get mad and write about them, that’s my constitutional right, and I will not be subjected to criminal abuse.