Monday, August 10, 2015

Selfie Sticks: Gods Least Favorite Creation

Never in human history has God regretted anything more than allowing the creation of selfie sticks. That is a heavy statement if you consider the Holocaust, but as it stands He’s generally pretty disappointed with everyone involved.

There are many reasons to assume why God is so bummed out. It could be the narcissism. People have been way too concerned with themselves for quite some time now, especially since the advent of reflections in still bodies of water, but selfie sticks take it to a whole new level. Why someone feels the need to insert his or her own fat face into every single photo is beyond me. Can you imagine if all your childhood photos involved your mother or father using you as a prop? It’d be awful.

Maybe I’m off base. Maybe God isn’t bummed so much as he’s just really embarrassed. After all, an omnipotent figure is forced to see a lot of embarrassing things (ie. Japanese game shows, French people, the south), so I can imagine how red his face gets when he’s forced to watch some adult walk around Yosemite trying to get the perfect angle of his face with half dome in the background, all because he’s too lazy to ask any of the 500 other humans around him to help take his photo. Oh the humanity.

To me, selfie sticks are indicative of a larger cultural problem. This idea that nobody interacts with one another anymore is very real. People are becoming more and more reliant on technology, which isn’t necessarily a bad thing, except when relying on that technology removes you from all social interactions.

It’s like homeschool. Have you ever talked to someone who was homeschooled? It’s as if they have never been in a social situation. Imagine a world filled with homeschooled people walking around making every conversation uncomfortable. Not ideal.

As a “photographer”, I shudder at the thought of selfie sticks. Not so much the physical nature of them, but more the possibility that they just don’t go away, like an STI. Amiright, Kevin Bennett!?!?! Just kidding. But seriously though, Kevin, that sucks.

What’s more terrifying, is that people are just accepting the Narcisstickª as if it’s a normal part of life. It’s not normal. Since when has walking around with a giant phallic metal rod with a camera on top° been normal? Even if I was the last person on the planet, and I really needed a photo of myself, I would still rather punch myself in the face, and put the selfie stick through my eye than use it for its intended purpose.

I guess more than anything, I think selfie sticks are just stupid, and only assholes use them.

ª The Narcisstick was the brain child of Annie Trujillo until I googled it and saw that somebody already owned the website. Sorry Annie.

° Outside of burning man

Wednesday, July 1, 2015

National Days of Observation: Time To Do Some Wrangling

OMG, Did you know that February 6th is National Lame Duck Day?!?! Probably not, because that’s the stupidest thing on the planet. We don’t need a day designated to remind us that ducks tell dad jokes. In fact, we don’t need most of the “National Days of Observation”.

The crux of the problem revolves around this website. . . .

It’s a catalog of every single day in the year and what National Days are associated with it. Reading through the separate days, you realize two things. There are so many reasons to celebrate, but on the contrary, there are also many reasons to burn this entire country to the ground.

Really, it just seems like this is an out of control situation that needs to be taken care of, and since I’m the self appointed arbiter of everything that is wrong in the world, I have decided to selflessly drop myself into the mix, creating a list of guidelines that should fix the issue.

1. They can’t be so broad – Most of these days are specific, like national donut day, or something like that, however some are really broad, and I think this causes confusion on a mass scale. For instance. . .

March 28th is National Something On a Stick Day. Really? What about a cat on a stick or a turd on a stick ? Is that something you’d celebrate? Because to me, that doesn’t seem like I’d want to celebrate either of those.

May is National Photograph Month – What does this even mean? Like what about child pornography? Are you saying that you celebrate child pornography?

Dec 1st is World Aids Day. Uhhhhh, so does that mean you’re giving everyone AIDS? Is it AIDS appreciation day, like you’re happy that AIDS exists? Is it AIDS Awareness Day?

A lot of these days of observations cause problems because they’re not specific enough, and it gives people free range on how to celebrate, which isn’t always a good thing.

2. One day of observation per day – Some of the days on the calendar have upwards of 8 or 9 days of observation. This can be very confusing for us normal ignoramuses’s

We need to prioritize. As a nation, we are too caught up in trying to dip our grubby little fat fingers in everything. Iraq, Afghanistan, Somalia, the list goes on. It’s time we take a step back and truly figure out what’s important.

We can’t have National Roast Suckling Pig Day, Free Shipping Day, Answer the Telephone Like Buddy The Elf Day, International Migrants Day and Underdog Day all on the 18th of Dec.

Obviously that day goes to National Roast Suckling Pig Day, so all those other days are just going to have to go suckle it.

3. No Corporate Sponsorships – There are a handful of days that have been claimed by specific products,

Did you know that May 8th is National Have a Coke Day? Coca Cola, why are you taking over my days? I didn’t ask for this. It’s bad enough that I literally cannot go anywhere on this planet without seeing your logo somewhere. Why are you taking over my days? Why don’t you just go buy more ad space in some third world country instead?

Maybe, as an alternative for National Have a Coke Day, it should be National Have a Soda Day?

4. No Dumb Food Days – You can’t have a day of observation for soda.

5. No Days that remind us to do something that we shouldn’t need to be reminded to do – there are certain things in life that should come standard: Heated seats, ten fingers, and an inherent knowledge of how to not murder someone.  So why are there days specifically designed to remind us to do or not do something that we already should or should not be doing? Case in point. . .

May 1st – National Loyalty Day. Why is this a day? Like you shouldn’t be loyal every other day of the year? I don’t get it. Why would you need to be more loyal one day over any other day? It seems like loyalty should be a trait that you just have, and you shouldn’t have to be reminded of it.

Is there a national do masturbate in public day? Because that, like loyalty, is something that goes without saying.

6. Appropriate time lengths for observations

Do we really need the entire month of August to think about Catfish? Probably not.
Could we do with a month of celebrating Paul Bunyan instead of the usual one day on June 28th? Probably. Deciding what days to cut and what to extend is a pretty difficult job.  Here’s a quick guideline. First ask yourself, does it need a full month of celebrating? Really? Does it really need that? Are you sure? On a scale of 1-10, how sure are you? Will you die if you don’t celebrate it the entire month?

If you can answer all those questions with a “yes”, then go for it, but if you find yourself answer “no”, then maybe you should think about scaling it back a little bit.

7. Don’t tell me what I need to observe - If I personally want to observe every day as Matt’s Donut Hole Day, then that’s what I’m going to do. I don’t need you telling me how to live my life.

The bottom line is I don’t like to be told what to do, or told how to celebrate my days. The founding fathers wrote in the Constitution, “no day shall be designated for things that are dumb, but only for things that are great”. I’m pretty sure they intended for us to skip over National Battery Day and National Crab Stuffed Flounder Day so as an American, I cannot support this, and I hope that after you go see what stupid days are on your birthday, you won’t support it either.