Wednesday, August 13, 2014

The Matt Walsh Blog: A More Popular Version of That Kid You Really Just Wanted to Punch In The Face When You Were Younger

Every day when I wake up, I think to myself, “I’m not going to get mad today”, then I find myself wandering around the Internet looking at pictures of five finger shoes and perusing the new Nickelback album.  It never fails that I will end up reading something that makes me mad and 10 times out of 10, if I read the matt walsh blog of terrible ideas, I get mad. I don’t even want to post a link here because of how idiotic his opinion is.

I mean, don’t get me wrong. I’m sure matt walsh as a person is ok, I guess. It’s just the idiotic words that flow out of his ignorant little head and the general composition of his features that makes me want to smash them with a garden gnome, but seriously, I’m sure he’s an ok guy. I mean, everything about him makes me want to use his body as a humanskateboard and grind his face on the coping, but i'm sure he's nice. Just kidding. I’m not that good at skateboarding, so I’d never be able to pull off a sick grind like that.

Let’s start with this, it’s a summary of what mr. walsh’s inflammatory bullshit looks like, except it’s from a blog saying that it sucks. I just didn’t have the heart to send you to the actual site.  If you really really want to read it, you can check out the link here, or you could just poke yourself in the eye.

Ok, basically, I’ll give you a mega summary: matt walsh is a dick, and he thinks he knows more about life than anyone else (I realize how hypocritical that last statement might seem). Underneath the title of his blog, he has this terrible little catchphrase. . .

Absolute Truths (and alpaca grooming tips)

First of all, saying truths are absolute is redundant, just like saying "armed gunman", unless you’re literally talking about their arms, but that would just make you a terrible writer. Second, adding “alpaca grooming tips”doesn’t make you funny, it makes you liar, because I’d bet your first born child that you have no idea how to groom an alpaca. Your understanding of humor is very limited.

It’s not really just his catchphrase that bugs me though, maybe it’s the way that he tries too hard.  Like, we all know you want to be seen as this hip, cool guy. There is no need to be holding a glass of whiskey or have those tattoos sneaking out of your t-shirt. We get it. You think you’re edgy. I’m sure your mostly young, very conservative, target demographic just thinks you’re the craaaaaaaziest, and you are, just not in the way that you’re thinking.

More guy talking to himself on the street, less cool professor who still wears all his shirts from the 80’s.

And why am I not surprised that you have stack of books in your cover photo. You could have chosen a stack of anything: flapjacks, cds, fruit, anything! But no, obviously you used books. It is obvious that you need people to think you can actually read, but based on your opinions, it appears your reading has been mostly confined to the “how to be an ignorant racist” category. You should really branch out!

Here is an excerpt from a follow up post he did, after he posted a post about people dealing with depression and suicide. People lost their minds and posted a lot of posts how ignorant his initial post was.

“When I clicked “publish” on that piece, I felt confident. I was sad that it had to be written (It didn’t. seriously. You didn’t HAVE to write it. You had a choice. You should have chosen to just throw up in the toilet instead of on the Internet), and upset about the circumstances surrounding it (I’m sure you were), but sure that I was saying something that needed to be said; something truthful but uplifting (It wasn’t), frank but compassionate (Nope. You’re an asshole). I actually found myself getting emotional as I wrote it (I’m sure you did) I’m not suicidal but I have demons of my own (writing inflammatory shittery isn’t a demon, so I’m not going to count that), so I submitted that post to the public (oh, thank heavens. We all wanted to read what you were thinking. Seriously. Thanks for that. I haven’t been able to sleep because I was wondering what sort of things were troubling you), praying others would find the same solace in the promise of hope and the power of free will.” (Blah blah blah blah blah blah blah. This goes on for quite sometime. I didn’t read it. Neither should you, unless you feel like getting upset.)

As I was forced to write the commentary on that excerpt you just read, I got emotional because of how true all of my statements are, regardless of how I can’t back them up with anything but pure opinion.

To give you more of an example of who this guy has built himself into, here are some titles from his blog :

- “I will not teach my kids about safe sex because there is no such thing”
- “I’m spoiled and lazy but Walmart should pay me more money anyway!”
- “Police officers aren’t the ones destroying the black community.”

Clearly, he is the voice of reason. He’s so reasonable, there is a website solely dedicated to rationally explain his reasoning.  It’s called. www.whatismattwalshwrongabouttoday.com and it’s definitely worth a look. I think Kirsti, who runs that website, said it best. . . “what matt lacks in empathy and tact, he makes up for in narcissism and self-promotion”.

I agree with her but would actually add, “what matt lacks in empathy, tact, compassion, common sense, good opinions, and valid points, he makes up for in narcissism, self promotion, his bad taste in hats, and an astounding knack for just being a plain old dick.

Wednesday, August 6, 2014

Paris Hilton: Creative Goddess Of 2014

Where to begin?

Normally I’d post the link to what I’m talking about, but I’m not going to because I’m a good person, and I don’t want to give your computer herpes, so what I’ll do instead is just narrate via frame grabs.

This week’s subject is, as you know from the title, Paris Hilton, father of modern civility, but because I don’t like to be rude, we’re not going to make fun of her specifically, however we are going to make fun of the awful “music” “video” she made, so buckle up, sit back, make sure your tray tables are up and in their locked position, and enjoy the ride.

First things first, let’s take a look at the eloquent prose that comprise the lyrics of this beautiful libretto. I did everyone a favor by summarizing it into one verse, however since she just sings the same thing over and over again, you can just multiply by whatever number you want, and that's the entirety of the song. You can quickly see how she's tapped into the creative process to unleash some eardrum rupturing chaos.

I'm having a dream
You make me smile

You make me dream

You make me feel alive

You make me dance

You make me feel it

You make me come to life

You make me come alive
You make me feel alive

You make me come alive

You make me come alive

Come here dream girl

You make me smile

You make me dream

You make me feel alive

You make me dance

You make me feel it

You make me come to life

You make me come alive

You make me feel alive

You make me come alive

You make me come alive

Here's my heart

You make me smile

You make me dream

You make me feel alive

You make me dance

You make me feel it

You make me come to life

You make me come alive

You make me feel alive

You make me come alive

You make me come alive (this is my favorite word of the whole song because it's literally used 16 times)


She’s no Stephanie Meyers, but I have to give her credit for recycling. 

Now that we've wrapped our minds around the complex nature of her lyrics, let's take a gander at the amazing cinematography. It's something Christopher Nolan could get behind, for sure.

It opens with her in a field. Obviously it opens in a field. Why would it open in any other location?

Then she’s kind of “singing” some of her really good lyrics. This goes on for quite some time. Far longer then it should have.

Then they show her in a giant pile of cotton candy. I don't know why they chose cotton candy. Maybe it was something to do with representing childhood innocence or virginity.

Then she’s like “wasssuuuuuuuuuup”. And we see that she is not wearing a bald wig with a bowl on her head, but that it's just her normal hair.

Then she stops singing and starts making train noises. This part really threw me off because I wasn't sure how they were going to tie it in with the rest of the piece. At first, I expected the tie in to come later, but when the piece finished, I realized that this might have been a shot where the editor, who was obviously high on methamphetamine, accidentally forgot where he was and what he was doing and inserted something that just didn't quite make sense. I don't fault him though, because being high on meth would be the only way to actually cope with what you were doing.

Here the director decides to introduce the swing. Now the swing plays a critical role in telling the story of why she feels alive, so keep an eye out for more swing.

More swing. Very critical.

The introduction of the horse character is a very important turning point in the video. The horse, who I think represents struggle in the face of evil, is the most important character in the whole piece, and hopefully the character that got paid the most because the level of acting from the horse was far superior to all other characters in this video.

Here we see an example of the struggle in the face of evil. Look at the emotion from that long face, now compare it to the look of desperation on the horse. You can see that the horse is clearly operating at an Oscar level.

It closes with two Paris’. One is rubbing her neck because she’s tired, and the other is just being a giant floating Paris head in an endless sea of childhood innocence. Because if I was going to make a Paris Hliton music video, that's how I would end it.

After watching this video, and picking my brain up off the floor, I have to imagine that the people who edited this piece together are now dead, which is too bad. Was it worth the sacrifice? We'll never know, I guess.

To be perfectly honest with you, this isn't the worst thing i've ever seen, however it is the worst thing i've seen in a while, and I was in a bad mood, so I decided to make fun of it. It was pretty easy though, you know, with the swing, and the horse, and Paris Hilton, and the bad ideas, and pretty much the whole thing. It was like shooting a barrel full of monkeys. I couldn't not do it.

Anyway, hopefully, this video inspires tons of other videographers and directors who are thinking, "I could do something way better than that", to get after it do something way better than that. And remember. . . . This is a good example of what making videos high on meth looks like, so don't do meth.


Ps, I tried to think of a joke about the horse with unicorn horn glued to his head, and how maybe it was glue that was made from his father or something, but it just didn’t fit, but I still wanted credit for making the connection.