Tuesday, August 26, 2014

The Ice Bucket Challenge: I Knew This Day Would Come

Blah blah blah, look at me, I’m a good person and I like to waste water, blah blah blah. I’ve been dreading getting on Facebook as of late. Partially because it’s sad to see a slow decline in Facebook friends, but also because I started seeing the Icebucket challenge, and I knew it was inevitable that I would eventually be “called out” and forced to address a topic I’d rather not address.

Well, rest assured, you can bet your ass I’m not going to parade myself around dumping water on my head solely for the purpose of showing my online friends how much better I am than they are. And you can doubly rest assured that I would never tell anyone if I donated to a charity because what I do with my money is my own business, so you can just go choke on a hotdog.

That being said, as much as I hate hashtag activism, this internet meme is actually raising money for a good cause, as opposed to other online fundraisers who raise money to make potatoe salad. I think we can all agree that we’re just really jealous we didn’t think of that one.

If you’ve done any research (googling) on the issue at all, you’ve realized that ALS, which is short for Amyotrophic Lateral Sclerosis, is a neurological disease that basically shuts down muscle functions such as moving your arms and legs, swallowing, or breathing. You’ve also probably seen some negative press with titles that read something like “27% of the profits go to research”, or “Only a fraction of ALS donations actually go to research”, which, based on the ALSA’s records is true, however, two things. . .

1st. That’s kind of a weird statement, saying that a fraction of something is donated, because 99/100 would also be considered a fraction. I know they were trying to make it sound like a bad thing, but when I see a fraction has been donated, I’m thinking a very large fraction. I guess that’s because I’m an optimist.

 2nd. After doing a bit more research (googling), I found that according to the ALSA, 27% of donations go to research (note that when donating, you can opt for all of your donation to go to research), however 19% goes to patient and community services, which I can only guess means, taking care of people who already suffer from ALS, and 32% goes to public and professional education. So, according to my calculator, since I lost the ability to add when I left college, 78% of donations go to raising awareness, helping people already afflicted with ALS, and research. That’s actually pretty good, considering Kim Kardashian keeps 90% of her proceeds from her “charity” auctions. What a nasty little troll.

I guess what really bugs me about the challenge is that it’s morphed into this social exposé on goodness. People aren’t even following the rules. COME ON PEOPLE. FOLLOW THE RULES. The rules say: use hashtags #icebucketchallenge, #alsicebucketchallenge, and #strikeoutals. This is really the only rule anybody follows because hashtags are easy. It also says use common sense and don’t hurt people. I’ve seen countless videos online of people accidentally dropping buckets on heads because they can’t lift the bucket of water. Hasn’t anybody heard of Crossfit? The rules also say that if you’re in an area affected by drought, you should maybe think about not doing the ice water part of the challenge, and just share  info about the disease, or make a donation to the cause. That part really bugs me because I went on a run yesterday and ran out of water with like 5 miles left and I got really thirsty. I could have used some. Thanks a lot, jerks.ª

So, as much as I want to hate this, and as much as I want to just make fun of everyone for doing it, I can’t totally do that. What I can do is issue my own challenge. It’s the ALS No Shower Challenge. #DIRTYFORADAY. Here’s what you do. You don’t shower for a day, because that’s going to fix the drought, and then you donate money to the ALSA, but here’s the kicker. . . You don’t tell people that you donated money. I know what you’re thinking. How are people going to know you’re a good person if you don’t tell them you’re a good person? Well, they’ll smell you and know that you’re participating in #DIRTYFORADAY. It’s a win-win. You don’t seem like an ego-centric blowhard, but people still know you’re a good human bean.

So good luck out there. Donate money to a good cause, but don’t tell me about it, because I don’t care.

 ªBut seriously, The only thing that bugs me more than wasting water on the icebucket challenge are people that complain about wasting water on the icebucket challenge, because the same people who complain about wasting water probably take 20 minutes showers, and leave the faucet running while brushing their teeth, which wastes way more water than a half full 5 gallon bucket of water.

Wednesday, August 13, 2014

The Matt Walsh Blog: A More Popular Version of That Kid You Really Just Wanted to Punch In The Face When You Were Younger

Every day when I wake up, I think to myself, “I’m not going to get mad today”, then I find myself wandering around the Internet looking at pictures of five finger shoes and perusing the new Nickelback album.  It never fails that I will end up reading something that makes me mad and 10 times out of 10, if I read the matt walsh blog of terrible ideas, I get mad. I don’t even want to post a link here because of how idiotic his opinion is.

I mean, don’t get me wrong. I’m sure matt walsh as a person is ok, I guess. It’s just the idiotic words that flow out of his ignorant little head and the general composition of his features that makes me want to smash them with a garden gnome, but seriously, I’m sure he’s an ok guy. I mean, everything about him makes me want to use his body as a humanskateboard and grind his face on the coping, but i'm sure he's nice. Just kidding. I’m not that good at skateboarding, so I’d never be able to pull off a sick grind like that.

Let’s start with this, it’s a summary of what mr. walsh’s inflammatory bullshit looks like, except it’s from a blog saying that it sucks. I just didn’t have the heart to send you to the actual site.  If you really really want to read it, you can check out the link here, or you could just poke yourself in the eye.

Ok, basically, I’ll give you a mega summary: matt walsh is a dick, and he thinks he knows more about life than anyone else (I realize how hypocritical that last statement might seem). Underneath the title of his blog, he has this terrible little catchphrase. . .

Absolute Truths (and alpaca grooming tips)

First of all, saying truths are absolute is redundant, just like saying "armed gunman", unless you’re literally talking about their arms, but that would just make you a terrible writer. Second, adding “alpaca grooming tips”doesn’t make you funny, it makes you liar, because I’d bet your first born child that you have no idea how to groom an alpaca. Your understanding of humor is very limited.

It’s not really just his catchphrase that bugs me though, maybe it’s the way that he tries too hard.  Like, we all know you want to be seen as this hip, cool guy. There is no need to be holding a glass of whiskey or have those tattoos sneaking out of your t-shirt. We get it. You think you’re edgy. I’m sure your mostly young, very conservative, target demographic just thinks you’re the craaaaaaaziest, and you are, just not in the way that you’re thinking.

More guy talking to himself on the street, less cool professor who still wears all his shirts from the 80’s.

And why am I not surprised that you have stack of books in your cover photo. You could have chosen a stack of anything: flapjacks, cds, fruit, anything! But no, obviously you used books. It is obvious that you need people to think you can actually read, but based on your opinions, it appears your reading has been mostly confined to the “how to be an ignorant racist” category. You should really branch out!

Here is an excerpt from a follow up post he did, after he posted a post about people dealing with depression and suicide. People lost their minds and posted a lot of posts how ignorant his initial post was.

“When I clicked “publish” on that piece, I felt confident. I was sad that it had to be written (It didn’t. seriously. You didn’t HAVE to write it. You had a choice. You should have chosen to just throw up in the toilet instead of on the Internet), and upset about the circumstances surrounding it (I’m sure you were), but sure that I was saying something that needed to be said; something truthful but uplifting (It wasn’t), frank but compassionate (Nope. You’re an asshole). I actually found myself getting emotional as I wrote it (I’m sure you did) I’m not suicidal but I have demons of my own (writing inflammatory shittery isn’t a demon, so I’m not going to count that), so I submitted that post to the public (oh, thank heavens. We all wanted to read what you were thinking. Seriously. Thanks for that. I haven’t been able to sleep because I was wondering what sort of things were troubling you), praying others would find the same solace in the promise of hope and the power of free will.” (Blah blah blah blah blah blah blah. This goes on for quite sometime. I didn’t read it. Neither should you, unless you feel like getting upset.)

As I was forced to write the commentary on that excerpt you just read, I got emotional because of how true all of my statements are, regardless of how I can’t back them up with anything but pure opinion.

To give you more of an example of who this guy has built himself into, here are some titles from his blog :

- “I will not teach my kids about safe sex because there is no such thing”
- “I’m spoiled and lazy but Walmart should pay me more money anyway!”
- “Police officers aren’t the ones destroying the black community.”

Clearly, he is the voice of reason. He’s so reasonable, there is a website solely dedicated to rationally explain his reasoning.  It’s called. www.whatismattwalshwrongabouttoday.com and it’s definitely worth a look. I think Kirsti, who runs that website, said it best. . . “what matt lacks in empathy and tact, he makes up for in narcissism and self-promotion”.

I agree with her but would actually add, “what matt lacks in empathy, tact, compassion, common sense, good opinions, and valid points, he makes up for in narcissism, self promotion, his bad taste in hats, and an astounding knack for just being a plain old dick.