Friday, November 27, 2009

The Spirit of "What The Hades"

What the hades is up with people?

I get it. We live in a capitalistic society, but people have gone crazy. Why on earth would you weight (i know i spelled it wrong, but its kind of a themed post) outside walmart/best buy/target/toys 'r us/etc... for hours in the freezing cold, just to get christmas presents?


I was with some friends last night and drove by a couple of those stores listed above and it was insane. People were lined up for well over 200 yards. I guess i just don't understand what goes through their minds. The desire to save a buck turns soccer moms into end-of-days psychopath mongers of product. I don't really know what that means, but it sounded good.

I guess i'm just out of the loop. Maybe it's because i'm so dang wealthy, i just don't care to save that extra dollar. Anyway, just something to think about. Don't go crazy during the holiday season.

Thursday, November 26, 2009

The Spirit of Thanksgiving

In the spirit of thanksgiving, i decided to not be a jerk/realist (the two get confused) and post some things that i'm thankful for (just like everyone else with a blog).

What am i thankful for?

In particular order:
1 - The Gospel (not to be confused with church. church is boring. Crap, that was kind of realistesque).
2 - Family (not including extended family).
2.0001 - Friends (i was debating whether or not to put them before family, but i figured i've probably already offended people, so i shouldn't. On that note, i do believe that friends have way more influence as to how people turn out than family, but that's another topic).
3 - Legos (without them, my childhood would have been boring. Kevin Reimer knows what i'm talking about).
4 - Climbing (without climbing, i'd probably be somewhat successful).
5 - A J.O.B. (technically i don't have one right at the moment, but when i get one in May, i'll be super thankful for it. Mostly cause i'll be out of money).
6 - Extended Family (including extended family).
7 - Skinny Jeans (specifically Levi 5.11's)
8 - Mustaches (including the ability to grow a mustache)
9 - Book (the face kind in particular. A.K.A. Facebook)
10 - Real Books
11 - Food

That's about it. I really had to wrack my brain to get those. crap.
12 - Handburgers (yes, i realize i spelled it like that. i did it for a reason).

P.S. - The extended family thing was a joke, in case i just offended anyone.
P.P.S. - as it turns out, i was still a jerk/realist, but know that i tried.

Tuesday, November 24, 2009

The Alleged Porpoise of News

Don't worry ladies and gents, this isn't some moderate (or liberal to you far right readers) rant on fox news. This is about media across the board. Crap, i guess it might be considered a bash on the right, but it's not. Ok, before i dive into what bugs me about media, i first must say that i'm not into global warming, meaning, i don't really care that much about it. I doubt that by driving a prius, i'm going to save the planet. I do think that we need to lessen our dependency on oil, but that's a different topic. This might sadden my dad, but i love to cut trees down. If i could, i would cut fat trees down all the time. Also, i think recycling is a fad.

Anyway, the problem that i've encountered is this news article about some emails that were allegedly leaked showing that scientists are in fact like everyone else. They lie and manipulate data in order to get what they want. The problem is that these emails have yet to be verified as true. To be kind of fair, the article states that these emails aren't verified yet, but i'm willing to bet that over 75% of the readers are going to skim over that part and read just the "facts". In my opinion, wait until things are facts before writing a news article about them. I also think the word "alleged" shouldn't even be allowed in news.

It's the same with court reporting. They say all these things that the person is charged with, then they start talking about what that person "allegedly" did. They throw the word "alleged" in there and expect people to be unbiased. This doesn't happen. People don't even process the word "alleged". To them, that person did everything that he/she's charged with which makes the court system a little unfair.

This is one of the many things that bugs me about media today. They're so interested in ratings that they've completely lost touch of reporting actual news. These emails probably are true, but wait a couple days and make sure they're true, otherwise you're not a newspaper, you're a gossip column.

Thursday, November 19, 2009

Shall i face my enemy head on or sit side-by-side?

When i say enemy, i don't actually mean enemy, i mean girlfriend/boyfriend/spouse/etc... And when i say sit side-by-side i don't actually mean sitting side-by-side. . . . . . . wait, no, i do mean that. Anyway,

I was eating ty food (i know it's spelled tie) tonight and i noticed something. It's quite bothersome and I'm not sure if it's part of the culture down here in the big city, or if it's nationwide.

When two people eat at a restaurant, are you supposed to face the person you're talking to, or do you sit side by side and not look at each other? Personally, I think there are circumstances for both. For the side-by-side sitting, i feel that it should be reserved for very very old people. I'm talking on the verge of non-life. That's it. Those are the only people that should be allowed to sit side-by-side eating a meal.

In every other circumstance, you should "face your danger". Not only is it convenient when/if you talk to the other person, but you also avoid other annoyances like bumping elbows, or accidently stabbing your date in the ribs with the salad fork. Even if your date is going bad, it's still generally frowned upon. One of the biggest benefits of sitting across from each other is that you're not sharing a bench seat. That means you can pass gas and blame it on other people around you because technically, she doesn't know for sure that you did it. If you were sharing a bench seat than she probably would have felt it and you would have been caught red handed.

I don't know if my readers can tell, but i've been going on tons and tons of dates lately. I'm getting quite adept at placing blame where i want. I also don't know if my readers can tell, but I'm full of baloney 37% of the time, which may or may not be a low ball estimate.

Regardless of others' opinion, i believe that just like any other circumstance in the wild, you should always face your danger. Just like you would if you were approached by a bear, shark, mountain lion, or creepy dude with a mustache, because the minute you turn your back, you're going to get eaten. fact.

Saturday, November 7, 2009

Sarcasm is a Man's Best Friend

Recently, i've come to realize two things.
1. butterfingers make meals depending on the amount.
2. i am one of the top ten most sarcastic people on the planet. (brent, you're definitely in there as well).

Technically this isn't a recent realization, in fact i've never realized it. I've known since i was born that i hold this gift of sarcasm, and as i've grown up, i've nurtured it into what it is today, almost like a super power. Some people think i use it for evil, but what i really use it for is to avenge myself. My enemies know full well the sting that my sarcasm causes, and like most super people, the loved ones in my life have seen the collateral damage of being overly sarcastic at times. But let's be honest, even superman accidentally shoots people with his laser beam eyes every once in a while. For this, i apologize. I don't mean to be sarcastic. I just am.

While we're on the subject of sarcasm, i want to address a recent realization i've had. Seriously. this one is recent. From my first couple sentences you're probably wondering how two of the top ten most sarcastic people on the planet could be friends? What are the odds? Actually, the odds are good because of Sarcravity.

Sarcravity is the sarcastic gravitational force (SGF) associated with the sarcasm of two beings. It's actually a miracle that the top 100 sarcastic people on the planet haven't formed together to become a super sarcastic entity, or SSE as they call it in the scientific world. This, i presume is due to a couple different barriers.
1. Language barriers. It's hard to have a super sarcastic conversation when the two sarcastic people can't understand what the other person is saying. The sarcasm is being said, but because neither of the people understand the other person, it is deflected like a laser beam and a force field. The two will most likely lose interest and walk away, or just stand there staring at each other, until the other person dies.
2. Geographic barriers. These are pretty obvious. Oceans, mountains, and World of Warcraft (WOW) are some of the biggest.

Along with the barriers, i feel compelled to write about the two special traits of the SGF

One special trait with the SGF, is that it can be felt through the world wide web (WWW). You're probably thinking, "isn't WOW part of the WWW? Why is it a barrier?" It's a barrier because of the virtual geography that lies between each virtual character. Yes, they can interact instantaneously, but because a virtual space separates them, it's harder to bridge the Gravitational Gap (GG). One might argue that WOW doesn't separate the SGF, virtual space does, but they'd be wrong.

One other trait is that half life of the Sarcravitrons, or the particles associated with the SGF. The half life is very short so what happens is that in a matter of years, the SGF actually ends up reversing, pushing sarcasm away from each other. One reason Brent and i are still friends is that we don't talk much. If we did, we would have been ex-friends long ago. We do communicate through the internet, but the half life doesn't occur as fast through the internet. Come on, that'd be weird if it did.

This concludes today's lesson on sarcasm. Feel free to send me a check or money order. They'll be a $20 fee for any check that bounces.

Thursday, November 5, 2009

It's Probably Not that Easy

Question: Should the U.S. legalize marijuana?
Answer: I don't know. There are probably tons of pros and cons to the question. Some of which no one can even know.

Who knows what unforeseeable consequences can happen 10-20 years down the line because of choices we make today? God. Besides Him, no one. For example; the financial "crisis" (which i won't get in to). Who knew the outcome of the choices millions of people made? Who thought to themselves, "Gee, i don't have the money for all of this, but i really really need that (insert ridiculous item of choice here)"? Most of America. But i digress. Marijuana.

(Note: I don't smoke marijuana. never have. never will. . . . well, maybe if it was legal. ha. just kidding. but seriously though, i'm kidding. mom, seriously, i'm kidding)

These are the pros i could think of that may or may not happen due to the legalization of marijuana.
1. reduce numbers in jail, in turn saving tax payers money.
2. make marijuana a taxable product, increasing tax revenue for the u.s. government, and in turn funding there evil plot to combine canada and mexico into one country.
3. drug cartel's power in the u.s. would be diminished until they changed products to smuggle.
4. (this one i heard somewhere else) hippie's would have nothing to talk about, which would definitely be a good thing.
5. there are definitely more, but i just can't think of them off the top of my head.
6. increase sales of food. more money into the economy.

Here are some of the cons i could think of.
1. hard, if not impossible for cops to detect if someone is high on marijuana (curt, you can correct me if i'm wrong) therefore making it hard to stop people from driving while under the influence of marijuana.
2. probably an increase in driving deaths due to the drug, although not a certainty.
3. decrease productivity at work.
4. I really can't think of too many cons although i know they're out there. I think that more of the unforeseeable consequences would fall into the "cons" category and that no one would see them coming until it was too late.


Sunday, November 1, 2009

Fake Fruit

I was sitting in church today pondering human nature when a conversation started behind me. This wasn't the conversation during the closing hymn, where i almost turned around and strangled a girl, that happened a couple weeks ago that i never posted about. This was a new one that occurred before we started.

A girl behind me, who is a teacher, was saying how she handed out fruit snacks instead of candy because she felt like she was doing a disservice by handing out candy.

Personally. I love candy. especially butterfingers. I could eat those everyday. That's not the point. My love for candy is not the topic of this rant. It's this.

Since when have fruit snacks failed to make it into the candy category. Just because it has the word fruit in the title, doesn't mean it's related to fruit. Like Fox News. Is it really news? The same goes for the shape and taste. Just because the piece of sugary goodness is shaped like a strawberry and even vaguely resembles a distant strawberry taste, doesn't mean it's a strawberry.

Am i going crazy? Are fruit snacks just small squishy fruit? What the French.