Wednesday, December 16, 2009

Beauty is in the "eye of the beholder"? False.

New born babies are ugly. Fact.

They look like little aliens with weird cone shaped heads. They're covered in vernix and lenugo (see below for definitions) which doesn't help their case, and they come out screaming and crying. Granted, i'd do the same if i was stuck in a womb for 9 months, but still. You just gained your freedom. What are you crying about?. I understand that some mothers are thinking "matt, you've gone too far by disrespecting my child". Well, i only speak the truth, and that truth is that you mothers are probably jaded by your motherly love (which is generally a good thing). You look at your child and see this beautiful baby that you brought into the world, while everyone else is who is looking at your child sees a small alien that you've been harboring for the last 9 months and just jettisoned from your body.

Let me clarify. Babies are cute. New born babies are ugly. Am i the only one that thinks this? Probably. Does my opinion matter? No (it does, but for arguments sake, i'm going with no).

Descriptions courtesy of
Vernix: "When your precious 'baby' is born, don't be surprised to see him or her covered in what looks like a white, waxy cheese. This creamy stuff is called vernix caseosa, Latin for 'varnish' and 'cheese,' and acts like a waterproof barrier on your baby's skin, protecting it from the drying effects of months of submersion in amniotic fluid. In addition, scientists now believe that it may also have antibacterial and cleansing properties"
Lenugo: "A fine, downy layer of hair that covers your baby's body while he or she is in the womb. It helps to hold the vernix in place to ensure your baby's delicate skin doesn't become chapped by the long immersion in amniotic fluid. It first appears at about five months and for the most part falls off just before birth; however, many babies still have some lanugo at birth."

That's quite the trade off. Yes, it might be antibacterial, but it makes you look like you're covered in varnish and wax and is described as a 'waxy cheese'. If i were a baby. I'd opt out. It only hurts their case. And don't get me started about being covered in albino hair. ug. all i know is that if i was covered in albino hair, i wouldn't have near as many friends as i do, which is already sparse, so i'd be in big trouble. Anyway. Just something that was on my mind.


MindySue said...

jettisoned?! JETTISONED!?!?! That made me laugh so hard.

Might I point out that you are objecting more to the mess the baby is covered in than the actual baby itself. Not all babies have cone-heads. Neither of mine did. No hats required. It really depends on how much time they spend in the birth canal.

So when does a "newborn" qualify as a "baby" and gain it's cuteness status?

Matthew said...

Well, if someone is wearing an ugly unitard, i'd pretty much consider them ugly. I had a picture of an ugly baby, but i figured that somehow, if the parents were to find out that i called their baby ugly, they'd be upset. just google ugly newborns and you'll find a couple. A baby becomes ugly when it sheds a couple things. 1 - the albino hair. 2 - the waxy cheese. 3 - cone shaped head. 4 - the bad attitude. 5 - and basically every other ugly attribute, such as bulbous head, unnaturally skinny arms, umbilical cord, etc. . . .

Courtney said...

Totally true, most babies are ugly for at least a few weeks. Unfortunately many take several months to grow out of it, and some never do. Brent and I often cite this as a reason we don't have kids yet, we're afraid we'll get an ugly one.

The worst is when people put pictures of their newborns on fb or blogs or whatever and everyone is like "awwww, he's so STINKIN' cute!!"'re like yeah right! you know he's not! Stop feeding into their delusions!

Brent said...

Matt! You finally have a post that Courtney agrees with!

Matthew said...

you mean she doesn't agree with me when i say that you're a really really sarcastic person? interesting.