Friday, December 31, 2010

Adopting Lots of Babies: Hiring Lots of Nannies

Ever since i donned my celebrity hat (that strangely resembles that of a ku klux klan hat), i have had this weird urge to start adopting babies. I know what you're thinking? "Matt, you can't have babies, you would eat them", and you might be right. Sometimes i get hungry enough that i think, "man, i'm so hungry i could eat a baby right now", but i'm 97% sure that i'm just using it as an expression of how hungry i am and would not, in fact, eat a baby. Who knows.

Anyway. . . . that got out of hand. . . . fast. Ok, so the only reason i mention adopting tons of babies is because i look around and see all my close celebrity friends adopting babies. Not one or two. . . . a ton. Literally, I saw the order form of my good friend angelina, don't know if you've heard of her, she makes movies, and she had a request for 2000 pounds worth of babies, give or take 50 pounds. Fortunately or unfortunately (depending on whether or not you look at it from the babies point of view), they couldn't fill her request. Which is too bad because i think she'd be a "great" "mom"ª

In the end, i feel it was a good thing because she just would have had to hire more nannies to raze them. I mean, honestly, you can't expect her to actually take care of them, right? No way. Obviously we have better things to do than raze kids, however we still want to showcase them. It's kind of a catch 22, except one of the conditions is completely avoidable by using nannies.

Some of you are probably wondering why so many celebrities think it's cool to adopt children from every race, and i'm here to let you in on a little secret. It's called the race race. Basically, every year, celebrities put money into a "fund" of sorts and the person that owns the most babies from different countries wins the cash prize. I think madonna sanchez (that's her full name) won a couple years ago, and brad and angelina (or angrad as they prefer to be called) won last year. We'll find out who won this year in a few weeks. It's really exciting.

Yeah, it seems kind of ridiculous, and it is, but as celebrities, we need to have fun somehow. It gets old just breaking laws and not getting punished. So old. Anyway, i'm going to leave you with a quote that i live by. "Damn it feels good to be a gangster" - office space.



ª - I use the word mom and great very loosely. I'm thinking not so much great as in mediocre to crappy, and not so much mom as in not a mom. So she'd make a mediocre to crappy childless "human"§.

§ - I use the word human very loosely. I'm thinking not so much human as in maybe a heap of matter that miraculously formed to make this lady.

Wednesday, December 29, 2010

Domestic Abuse: Only Cool If You Can Dance

If a tree falls down in the woods, does it make a sound? Yes, of course it does. If a mime falls down in the woods, does it make a sound? No, mimes are really good at being quiet. If a celebrity bites someone's neck in the woods, does it make a sound? It does, but it's ok because they're a celebrity and they can do pretty much whatever they want without severe consequence. . . . . . . lucky.

*Disclaimer*
Prepare to be inundated with sarcasm.
*End of Disclaimer*

Do you know what i love?!? Besides tomatoes, i love it when we, celebrities (i'm lumping myself in with famous people because so many people read this blog, i might as well have my own talk show), get away with things that you normal people couldn't get away with, like biting, punching, racism, shoplifting, murder. . . You know. . . stuff like that! I just love it! It's completely acceptable because we have to deal with the pangs of being famous, like getting free stuff, and having fancy dance parties, and stressful vacations with lots of people taking our pictures, and adopting tons of different colored babies (next post), and working half the year, and getting paid too much.

I mean, if i could change places with a "normal" person, i totally would do it. Do you know how stressful our lives are? So stressful, and sometimes that stress morphs itself into a bite on the neck, or a punch to the face, or murdering a homeless man. Sue us. We're not perfect. I mean, have you seen the cellulite on (insert name)'s legs. Gross. Do you know stressful that is? Stressful enough to make me want to punch a tiny woman, and it's not even MY cellulite. That should tell you how stressful it is for us famous people to have imperfect bodies.

What i don't get is why people make such a big deal about getting lenient punishments when we do get caught. Have you seen our talents? Chris (names haven't been changed to protect the awesome) over there, can dance like nobody's business, and Winona over there, she is one of the best actors of all time. Did you see. . . . . . that movie she was in? I cried it was so good. And look at OJ. Despite having a huge head, that guy is/was a really good football player. Who cares if he killed someone. He can carry a ball down a field into a certain area and score imaginary points. . . all while people chase him. Crazy. I know.

Anyway, i hope you people get it through your less expensive skulls that as celebrities, we deserve these things. They are owed to us for having just the most difficult lives of all time. Of. All. Time. Do you see what i did there? I put a period behind each word to emphasize it. Despite being grammatically incorrect, it works because i'm famous and we can do stuff like that.

Monday, December 27, 2010

Back to the Future: Incest is not the Best

Today is about incest. Yes, the ultimate of ultimate social taboos. Here to start a conversation is a person i made up named Kevin Reimer (kevin doesn't use the internet, so this is ok).

kevin - why is incest such a bad thing?
matt - seriously? you're asking me this?
kevin - uhhhhh, yeah.
matt - because it is really really messed up.
kevin - but back in the day, cousins got married all the . . . .
matt - hold up kevin, i'm going to stop you right there. There is no point in trying to justify it. You make me sick. If it was even remotely acceptable, it would be in movies portrayed as a normal thing, like murder.
kevin - what about in back to the future?
matt - what about it?
kevin - in back to the future, marty mcfly (as played by mr. michael j. fox) tries to get his future dad to end up with his future mom even though his future mom is in love with marty, not his future dad. To do this, marty comes up with a plan to "take advantage" of his future mom and have his future dad come and save the day. . . . . . . .and he stares at his future mom's boobs a lot. And all this is normal.
matt - eff.

What really weirds me out is that marty mcfly can come up with no other way to make his future mom hate him. Out of a million ways to make someone hate you, he chooses to sexually assault his mom. I mean, he could have just been too clingy. that seems to work. Or he could have been a nice guy. That usually works too. Crap, he could have just falcon punched her. That would have easily done the trick (i don't condone domestic abuse, but i also don't condone incest, so pick your poison). It just baffles me that what he ended up doing was the first thing that came to his mind, or worse, the third thing that came to his mind.

It seems to me that the writers of back to the future had some issues they should have worked out. The incest issue, as well as some weird inconsistencies, like how about the fact that when the parents get older, they don't realize that their son looks EXACTLY LIKE A GUY THEY KNEW IN HIGH SCHOOL. Man that movie is weird. Anyway, I think that, despite being entertaining, this movie teaches kids that it is ok to do some really not okay things, like underage consumption.

Sunday, December 26, 2010

CHANGE 2011: Obama Has Nothing On Me.

Unlike obama, i intend on actually changing things. . . . but i might not get around to it. Similar to how he never took our guns away, even though he said he was going to. What a loser. Anyway, today's post is kind of a beta version of a new concept i might try out.

matt irving's bad advice column, but will remain titled matt's blog of negativity. Since no one has sent me questions, i pulled today's test from here.

"dear abby:
i work as a teacher's aide at a private religious elementary school. You would think that the children here would be better mannered than most; however, i haven't found that to be true.

Rarely do i ever hear a 'please' or 'thank you'. The other teachers and i politely remind the students to say both 'please' and 'thank you,' the the lesson never seems to sink it. The children tell us their parents don't require such things at home, so they shouldn't have to say 'please' and 'thank you' or even 'excuse me' at school. We have talked to these parents, and they side with their children. What else can we do?'

- stunned in sacramento-

Hey abby, why don't i take this one. . . . . . beat them. Beat the students, then go to their parents and beat them. I really don't understand why you would think a religious elementary school would be different than a public one. A 10 year old turd sandwich is a 10 year old turd sandwich, regardless of where said turd sandwich attends school.

The fact is. kids these days are little shit heads (sorry mom), that take for granted anything they can get their tiny little grubby fingers on. They need to be punished, and not in the finger-wag sort of way. Stunned, do your self a favor and give up. In fact, you might as well stop teaching because they're probably not listening to anything you have to say.

Anyway, good luck.

- matt the awesome -

So, if you're psyched on this change and you have some questions, shoot me an email at dublt9@gmail.com. I'm really good at being brutally honest. Or don't. i don't care.

Saturday, December 25, 2010

Matt Irving: The Prodigal Son. . . . of Haircuts

Ho ho ho (as said by the famous Hans Gruber. . . . . in Die Hard. . . . one. . . . ). Merry Chirstmawhatever it is you people say around this festive holyday. I for one don't celebrate Christmas because it's offensive to all other people who choose not to, and since i'm all about not offending, i've decided to nix this years celebration. And i don't say merry Christmas, i say happy holyday because i know how uppity people get about that Jesus stuff. Anyway, i lied to you, i did celebrate Christmas this year. Not only that, but i dominated as a son and took home the award for best gift. This is how i continually take home that award year after year.

I let my mom cut my hair and then say it's her christmas present, that way, a) i get a haircut, and b) my parents love me more than my other siblings. I told my brother this and he used this really weak argument about how he's better because he stays neat and trimmed throughout the entire year. Pfffftttt!!!!! Yeah, like i said, a really weak argument. All i had to do was remind him of the prodigal son and he ran away with his tail between his legs. One haircut. Once a year. That's all it takes.

Anyway, i'm a master at free gifts, so for next year, here is a list of gifts to give your parents that are free, but will make you their favorite son/daughter.

1. Haircut - (as mentioned above, but is situationally dependent)
2. Traveling home christmas day - try and go traveling before the holidays for at least a month, then schedule yourself to be home the day before christmas, but don't tell your parents. If they fully expect you do be gone, when you surprise them, you will automatically shoot up to the top of their favorite child list. easy as pie.
3. "Charitable Donations" - donate to a charity in your parent's name and be sure to tell them. The trick is to not actually donate money and to use a name that sounds legit. Something like the "human fund" (thanks george).
4. Fake your death - similar to #2, but instead of traveling, disappear a month before without any communication. By the time christmas comes around, your funeral will have occurred and you can make your prized entrance.
5. The lost package - snail mail is tricky these days and taking full advantage of a "lost package" is perfectly acceptable. "oh, mom and dad, i got you the best present, but it appears to have been lost in the mail system, but oh man, it was way better than all the other sibling's presents. . . . combined."

Ok ok ok, there are a couple more, but since i would actually feel bad doing them (that says something) i'm going to leave them out. Actually, i lied to you again, that was all i could come up with.

Remember these tips and next year, you'll be sure to be the most popular son/daughter. . . ever.

ps. eat it, mike.

Friday, December 24, 2010

The Homeless: Can't Take a Joke

So, i was driving down the road the other day and i hit a big slush puddle, spraying a whole bunch of homeless guys. I mean, they were all lined up there, basically begging for it. After i passed, i looked back and it appeared like they were upset, so i drove around the block so i could drive past them again, i slowed down, held some money out the window and as they were walking forward to take it, i speedily drove off again, not only denying them the money, but also spraying them again. I looked back to see that they were once again quite upset, so i drove around the block one more time and in an effort to quell their anger, i rolled my window down and told them my famous why-were-the-little-strawberries-upset-because-they-were-in-a-jam joke. None of them laughed. . . . . ug. lighten up.

But seriously, that may or may not have happened.

Anyway, i brought up homelessness because they other day, i saw a homeless man (he looked like he was 18) holding a sign that said "parents killed by ninjas. any spare change will help." i chuckled to myself, gave him a nod of approval and drove by.

While i appreciate the homeless having a sense of humor, i'm not sure if having that as a sign increased his daily earnings. It probably did because people really buy into that stuff, but should it? I mean, i feel that if you're able to make jokes like that, you're really not as down on your luck as you think you are because if you were really really down on your luck, you'd be too miserable to do stuff like that. That would be like someone with cancer making jokes. It just shouldn't be allowed.

Oh, another thing i saw was a homeless guy with the sign around his neck. . . . like he's too tired to hold the sign. I mean, that seemed kind of lazy to me, and it's not like he has anything better to do. I guess maybe he wanted his hands free to accept money, but that seemed kind of presumptuous. Instead of asking for money, why don't they just get jobs? It seems like a no brainer, especially since the majority of the homeless are white middle-aged males (near fact) Finding a job should be pretty easy. . . . . . Anyway. . . .

Luckily, the homeless can't read so i'm not worried about offending any of them.

Thursday, December 23, 2010

Facebook Birthdays: Attention Whores

We all know that facebook is the biggest ego trip ever. At least that's what i use mine for. It makes me feel good to know that 7 people liked my status about how i hate sarah palin's "reality" show. It shouldn't make me feel good, but it does. However, i choose to not share my birthday with everyone because i feel like only my real friends should congratulate me for not dying another year. That's why it drives me nuts to stalk somebody and have 4 million birthday messages from people who barely know that person. Get real. Like you legitimately care that they're having a birthday? Ug. It makes me sick.

If somebody does have a birthday, i like to just write on their wall in between all of the other "happy birthdays" saying how much i hope they have a miserable regular day. That's what makes me a terrible person. I refuse to acknowledge facebook birthdays. Mostly because they're not real.

If you really cared, you'd just pick up the effing phone and make a call. Or, maybe even visit them. Ok, I understand if you live far away and for some reason, you don't have a phone and only have access to facebook, but why do you just have to write "happy birthday" on their wall? Why don't you send them a message with maybe a little bit more than that? Like "hey, i just wanted to say happy birthday and i just found out i have herpes, so you might want to get checked." You know? Something with substance.

Anyway, this is a very disheveled post and i apologize, but it's the holidays and i have better things to do than write these stupid posts. So eff you to all you people who forget my birthday this coming year, which will probably be the majority of you.

Wednesday, December 22, 2010

Hagermanns Bakery: A Bunch of Thieves. Not Bread Thieves. Money Thieves.

This post stems from an incident I had the other day when some friends and i went to a bakery. Hagermanns bakery. It's downtown near temple square. It's awesome because when you walk in, you think it's a nice honest place, and the guys look all hipster (first reason not to trust them. Don't trust hipsters), with their beards and what not, and you're thinking, "great, i'm going to enjoy a nice hot chocolate at a reasonable price." Wrong. . . . . . Well, i guess the price isn't unreasonable, but i'll get to that in a second. I also want to point out that their website also looks honest. Whatever that means.

Anyway, so we order some hot chocolate. I order a "full" for $2.89 (because i love hot chocolate), two others (a brother sister combo) share a "full", and one other guy, let's call him Brent McNaught, ordered a "reg" for $2.39. I'm pretty sure he ordered a "reg" because he hates Christmas, but that's just me.

After chit chatting, for a while, i became so bored with everyone there that i started staring at the cups. Don't worry, i didn't make it obvious, but eventually i noticed some discrepancies in the cups. I know what you're thinking. matt. duuuuuuuuh. there were two different sizes. Of course there will be discrepancies, and you would be correct to think that, but let explain further and let this mystery unravel before you.

The "full" cup was quite a bit skinnier than the "reg" cup, which caught my attention, since it wasn't that much taller. I started to make a tiny little scene about it within the group to drum up anticipation for this blog post and decided to find out how much hot chocolate 50 cents bought me. I filled my cup up with water to the top, then poured it into the other cup and i was left with maybe half an inch of water at the bottom of my cup. a sip. An effing sip.

You sneaky little hipster thieves. You think that because you made the cup taller i wouldn't notice? Well i did, and i took a picture of it (but my phone is crappy and it didn't turn out. I promise it was my phone), and i'm going to write about it, and you're going to go out of business now because of how powerful this blog is. I mean, come on, if i can send sun chips screaming home to it's mom, i can easily bring you down.

In the end, my friends convinced me to not confront them at the counter because after all, they're just "the messengers", but they're not. They knew exactly what they were doing, when they poured my "full" hot chocolate. effing hipsters. Actually, one of them looked like he legitimately hated his job and in the end, that is what stopped me. Otherwise. . . . mayhem.


And the hot chocolate wasn't even that good.

Tuesday, December 21, 2010

Dolphins: They're Just The Worst Thing Since Freedom. Ug. So Dumb.

You guys might not believe me when i say i hate dolphins, but boy, do i hate dolphins. Out of all the aquatic mammals, dolphins are my least favorite, followed closely by elephant seals and blue whales.

Why matt? Why do you hate dolphins? I wish i could give you an easy answer, but i can't. It's really complex. Maybe it's because out of every animal on the planet, they're the ugliest, with that disgusting blow hole, and that disgusting mouth thing that they use to jab helpless sharks. Oh, and why don't they get a real vertical tail fin, instead of using that weak horizontal thing. what is that? it's dumb. Anyway, maybe it's how they smugly follow you around and do flips and pretend like they're better than you. I just know they're thinking, "oh, hey, look at this. i can do like a triple front flip. what can you do? oh, just sit there and swim around. wow, you really suck."

Do i feel bad that the japanese really enjoy killing these evil creatures? No way. I'm glad they they round them up and slaughter 2 million of these every year. I heard somewhere they made a movie about it. I hope it wins an oscar for best idea ever. Good riddance. The only thing worse than a dolphin is a pod of dolphins, which really sucks because they're somewhat of a "family oriented" animal, meaning, they like to hang out in groups and cause trouble. Anyway, there are way more reasons why i hate dolphins, but i'll leave you with these parting words.

A world without dolphins, is a better world indeed. Eff dolphins.

Monday, December 20, 2010

Bridal Plasty: I Stand Corrected

Ok, so miley cyrus is not the Great Decay of Modern Society. Not even close. She now kind of reminds me of a nun. A really skanky nun. Anyway, my cousin Alyssa, who probably loves this show, pointed me in the direction of bridal plasty, which it turns out, has been officially deemed the anti-christ. Yeah, weird. i know. I always secretly thought it was Obama, not a collective of terrible women. It's actually more frightening than anything i could have ever imagined, and by now, you can kind of grasp the scope of that statement. Terrifying. I know.

So, Here is a list and link to the best material. Cheyenne's "wish list" (wish list? are you effing kidding me?!? It's called a wish list?) is:
nose job
liposuction of outer thighs
liposuction of inner thighs
gums reduced
shorten second toe (what the french?)
remove scar on nose
redo veneers
inner knee liposuction (once again, what the french?)
remove suspicious looking mole

The only legitimate one that isn't weird is the "remove suspicious looking mole", and they put that one last. Almost as an afterthought. "i want this and this and this and this and this. . . . . oh, and if you get time, could you remove a suspicious looking mole. It might be cancer. . . . but if you don't have time, don't worry about it. I'd rather get my second toe shortened, because that is much more crucial than a SUSPICIOUS LOOKING MOLE".

Janessa, who has a smaller, less ridiculous (but still ridiculous) list "gave her fiancé a timeline and an ultimatum for the wedding proposal." Yeah, i'll pass.

Kristen, "daughter of a former miss california and who competed in pageants herself" has a laundry list of things, including one "liposuction of the flanks". She's 21, and attractive (on the outside), and she wants "liposuction of the flanks". I don't even know what that is. It kind of makes me hungry for some steak. I guess this is what you get from having a mother who is obsessed with beauty pageants.

There are tons more, but i'm just going to list one last procedure because it's really confusing. Skin resurfacing. i don't know what that is. It sounds like it will require some heavy machinery and an operator sitting under a CAT umbrella, but probably not. Maybe.

Anyway, truthfully, i feel bad for these women. I don't know why they would think that they need these things. Maybe it's their future husbands pressuring them. Maybe it's the way they were razed. Maybe they just want to be on tv and they missed their opportunity to get pregnant at 16. Who knows. Whatever the reasons are, it doesn't matter. This is what is wrong with the world. This and a couple other things.

ps - i'm sure Alyssa doesn't watch this show. Maybe in a terrifying watching a train wreck sort of way.

- "You're just as pretty as all the other girls, you just need a nose job" - Cramer

Sunday, December 19, 2010

Cell Phone Answering Machines: What Happened to Just the Beep?

Hello. You've reached [whoever]. They are not available to take your call right now. Or they don't want to take your call and they're ignoring you. If you would like to leave a message, please wait for after the beep. If you would like to expedite your message, press 1 followed by the pound sign, followed by an asterisk. If you don't press the asterisk approximately 3 seconds after the pound sign, you will be rerouted to india. If you would like to leave your number, in case the display on the phone you are calling is broken, press seven and then balance the phone on your nose like a seal balances a ball. If you would like to teleport yourself to the individual you're trying to reach, press the number eleventeenth and please wait for future teleporting machines to become available. Meanwhile, please listen to this somewhat annoying elevator music, which will slowly transition into justin timberline. If you would like to speak directly to the person you are calling, please hang up and try again. If you would like to send an email, please use a computer, unless you have a fancy new smart phone, in which case you'll still need to end this call. If you would like to leave a message in spanish, press uno. If you would like to leave a message in french, press trois. If you would like to leave a message in sign language, please wait for new technology. Beeeeeeeeeeeep.

I think i've said enough. But. . . . since i like writing, and i like reading my own writing, and i like laughing with (not at) my own writing while i'm reading it, i'm going to elaborate a bit more.

This is genuinely one of my real annoyances, unlike half the stuff i write about. I dread having to leave messages for this specific reason. One person who i know has a short message is "this is kevin. . . . beep" AKA kevin reimer. It's the only one i've heard that's like that. I'm pretty sure my message is too long, which is why i don't ever have any messages when i get back from traveling. 99% sure that's the reason. 87% and dropping. Ug.

Anyway, call kevin if you want to enjoy a nice short answering machine message. If you need his number, just shoot me a text, or call me. If i don't answer, leave me a message.

Saturday, December 18, 2010

Infidelity: Funny and Great for Candy Bar Sales

Saturday is a double post day. Who knows. It might even be a triple post. It might even be a quadruple post day. It might even be a quintuple post day. . .Ug. Probably not.

Anyway, i had conversation with my roomies this morning and it turned into something great. I added about 5 new things to my "list of hate and confusion" which essentially drives this blog. One thing that was particularly baffling was a twix commerical. You might have seen it. You might not have seen it. Basically, a guy gets caught cheating on his girlfriend/wife/girl he's cheating on his wife or girlfriend with (that's a double cheat) and he doesn't know what to do, so he eats a twix bar, and this somehow stops time for everyone else, giving him the opportunity to come up with a good excuse.

Oh twix. You are just the classiest of all the candy bars. Infidelity is so funny. It's not like it's a problem these days. It's not like it might be a reason that children grow up in broken homes, thus leading to more social problems. Noooooo. What? No way. infidelity is funny. Plus, it tastes like chocolate and caramel with a crispy, crunchy, cookie-like interior. Dang. I'm going to go get a twix right now.

Well. It worked. I never thought advertising candy using morally questionable relationship tactics would be a selling point, but they did it. I'm really looking forward to their next ad campaign. I got a sneak preview since i'm in the business of being awesome, and i'm going to give you a little hint. It involves a fatal stabbing of a teenager, getting caught, and using a twix to come up with an excuse. So funny. Need a moment? ha! So funny.

The Sausage to Bun Ratio: An Unholy Union

I'm going to cite andrew farrer (google him, or friend [verb?] him on facebook) for this idea. In fact he basically wrote the whole thing. . . . so thanks. Also, if it sucks, blame him. Send him hate messages on facebook. Seriously.

Sooooooooo. Anyway. The sausage to bun ratio. What the french. I mean, it's cool. Who doesn't love extra sausages laying around the house? Uh. I don't. It's a waste. Ok, can i be frank (speaking of sausages) with you for a second? I actually don't care that it's wasteful. I'm kind of wasteful person myself. Growing up, my mom would go through the garbage and pick out recycling. I admired her tenacity. It was inspiring. So inspiring that i dumped the recycling back into the garbage when she wasn't looking. I'm actually pro garbage. I'd love to explain why, but it's really complicated so i'm not going to. Just know that for every bit of recycling you do, i'm canceling you out by being extra wasteful.

Oops. That got out of hand. Ok, the ratio. I'm pretty sure that the sausage and bun companies are conspiring together in order to make the most frustrating ratio. I'd imagine a convo between the two would go something like this.

Sausage: how many sausages should we put in our pack?
Bun: five
Sausage: but aren't you. . . . . . ahhhhhhhhhh. . . . . . nice.

It's a fairly simple conversation, which is interesting because it's a fairly simple ratio that both companies should be able to figure out. So simple that one can only assume that they did it on purpose, which leads me to believe that there are evil people running both companies. Evil or stupid. Or both. Or neither. Or evil, stupid, and angry. Or blah blah blah etc etc etc.

And, like andrew suggested, the sausage to bun ratio is essentially a metaphor for life. There is an overabundance of women in the world (nearfact). And most of them are crazy (factfact). Just kidding. But seriously though. Crazy.

Andrew, i hope this is everything you expected and more. I know you probably wanted me to touch on the metaphor a little more, but i feel like it's kind of not a place i want to venture. Like, i might find myself being the victim of vandalism. Or. . . . i just wanted to quit writing. Ug.

Thursday, December 16, 2010

The Great Decay of Modern Society: Miley Cyrus

*Disclaimer*

Actually, there is nothing to disclaim.

*End of Disclaimer*


Nothing is more entertaining than watching a train wreck, except maybe an airplane wreck, or a dolphin doing some sweet aerial acrobatics. My problem isn't so much that these "train wrecks" are happening. It's that they're being hailed as "news" on these alleged "news" channels, like cnn. [And today's top stories: earthquakes in chile, wars around the world. miley cyrus uses a bong. wtf (what the french)]. I mean, i would understand this with fox news. Mr. beck and ms. cyrus are on an equal playing field in my book (not mare kin's books), but really? cnn? What's next, an idiotic show on TLC about an ignorant woman posturing herself to become presi. . . . . ohhhhhhhhhhh fuuuuuuuuudge [like on the christmas story].


That's it. We've now officially entered into a new age. No longer are we in the bronze age nor are we in the space age. We have now entered the Great Decay of Modern Society . . . . . . age. i guess we could trace the origins back to britney spears and n'sync (sorry backstreet boys) but the truth of the matter is, it really didn't take off until ms. lohan, who has been the conductor of one continual train wreck since herbie goes bananas, but ms. cyrus has taken the cake. No, literally, she took the cake after she was finished making bong hits for Jesus. Not only did she take it, but she then devoured the entire thing. It was impressive in a weird unimpressive sort of way.


Do we blame CNN? Do we blame the news agencies? After all, they're the ones who are showing this crap. Or do we blame the consumers who eat it up then give it good ratings? Which came first, the chicken or the egg? Well, in this case, people definitely came first, but for the sake of this blog, we're just going to go ahead and blame the networks. . . . actually let's just do 50/50. . . . . well, 60/40.


Anyway, sometimes i feel like maybe i shouldn't blame "celebrities" at all. After all, these train conductors wouldn't act like that if nobody watched them [yes, they would]. Yes they would, the only difference is that my eyes would stop melting every time i was tricked into watching some ridiculous stunt all in the name of fame. The networks need to make dedicated channels for these things and keep them separate. We need a separation of news and "news".


This is kind of bold statement, but maybe if we just rounded all these "celebrities" (non-contributing humans) and put them in maybe a camp of some sorts. That way, they could just entertain themselves. Since none of them really contribute in any sort of way, i'd imagine they might go extinct, which might not be such a bad thing.


That's right. Drink up. It's orange flavored hatorade and it's gooooooooooood.

Wednesday, December 15, 2010

Question: No Seriously, I Have a Question

This post precedes the Great Decay of Modern Society (aka miley cyrus) only because i was thinking about some life changing changes.

So. . . . . . . a while ago, i got a complaint that reading white print on a black background was hurting the eyes of a person who shall not be named. Voldemort [gasp]. And by voldemort [gasp], i mean a courtney person. . . i think it was her. Maybe it was a brent person. Anyway, i reprimanded said person and told them to grow a pair of better eyes, then promptly forgot about it. That is until i was reading my own posts, laughing (yes, i do that. It makes me feel better), and could have sworn the text was moving around the page. it hurt my eyes.

So, the question i pose, if i changed the background to a white, with black text, would it lessen the negativity of the blog? I chose black because it's foreboding and a foreboding header because it's foreboding and because it was the most negative thing i could conjure up, but as i've aged, i feel like i can now be just as negative with a non-negative appearing blog. I'm not sure. I have thought about this for a while and changing it up would be a big change (obviously) and i'm just not sure i can do it. It's like, i need a haircut, but for some reason, i can't get one.

I'm thinking that maybe by changing it to white with black text, and changing up the header, it would make it more of an ironic juxtaposition. Like if i had a picture of unicorn as the header. . . . .Hmmmm. Tempting. Anyway, i'd like to hear some thoughts. I mean, it bothers me, but not enough to really make a change, sort of like one time, my hair bothered me, but i didn't cut it until it would always get in my mouth when i brushed my teeth. If it stops people from reading my opinion on everything, then i'd definitely be willing to make a compromise. Or, i'd just say eff you. One or the other.

I would legitimately like some input on this. Or not. I don't care. But maybe i kind of do, but not really.

World Series of Poker: Do My Eyes Deceive Me? No They Do Not. . . . . Sad. Also, This Should Make Up For My Last Post.

Sorry about yesterday's snafu (it's a word, i looked it up. . . relax). I was in a weird place and i just couldn't do it. Anyway, today i brought in Andrew Hobbs, or Hobbs as he is known in certain seedy circles, a Professional Human Being, to explain how the downfall of civilization is negatively correlated to the rise of popularity in televised poker. *Quick note, i will be interjecting my opinion. Anytime you see these, [ ], know that i'm probably disagreeing with something. oh, and i've also crossed some stuff out.*


My credentials as a Professional Human Being are as follows: public education (where humans coexist), work places of various kinds and the internet but not World of Warcraft [debatable]. I thank Matt for the glamorous introduction and the opportunity to explain what is now known as the Great Decay of Modern Society (GDMS).

Humans, not to be confused with “Ultimate Humans”, are prone to finding entertainment. For example, ESPN is an all sports all the time Mecca for men of the key demographic 20-35, with hours of grid iron [dumb], American mare kin pastime [dumb], slam dunks [dumb] and …. The World Series of Poker? That can’t be right.

Why would hours of my time be given to 5-7 men who are wearing sunglasses indoors? These “grown-ups” are equipped with “hook up artist” cowboy hats, a hand full of cards, chips and pockets full of contact information for their AA sponsors. Plus, the prize is not a coveted trophy like the Stanley Cup but a wrist band that can be bought from the “As Seen on TV” store. Why are they taking up my valuable channel space?

In a basic cable package, which I as a Professional Human use to unwind, there are only a handful of channels. Most are owned by Ted Turner or Disney which means I can watch almost every Idea that Tyler Perry has or I can watch a few sporting events and Justin[e] Bieber. My choices are limited. To take some of that space and fill it with a Rehab session of the world’s creepiest bachelors is a mockery of what the warm glow of TV stands for.§


Thanks Hobbs, i appreciate your take on this ghastly game. I too have never understood how people can be entertained by watching grown men sit around a table, appearing to stare at each other, for hours on end. You have said what i could have said, only with more capitalized letter and less commas. In the next post, we will further discuss the Great Decay of Modern Society.


§ Andrew went on to talk about solutions to exterminate the WSoP players, but i kind of felt it was on the cusp of being somewhat inappropriate, so i cut it.

Tuesday, December 14, 2010

Robot Wars: I Am a Robot! I Have a Robot. . . . . ic Sense of Humor

in case you're curious at all, a robotic sense of humor is similar to [insert person of your choice who doesn't have a very good sense of humor. for example; hitler, but that would be speculation because i'm really not sure. he might have had a sense of humor. . . probably not, though.].

Anyway, for some reason or another, i thought about robot wars the other day so i looked it up on youtube.

click here.

Don't watch it. It's literally the weirdest thing i've ever seen. I can't believe that it used to be popular. Not just popular. Really popular. I'm sure that all the people in the audience are there against their will because i don't see. . . oh gosh. this post sucks. eff it.

Monday, December 13, 2010

The British: Can I Bum a Fag, Mate?

Sooner or later, this was bound to happen. I mean, come on. The british. This is an easier target than shooting hippies in boulder, and for those of you who aren't aware. . . . . trust me. It's easy.

I guess to start out, we should roll back the clocks a couple hundred years to revolutionary times. Times when men were men, and women were considered property. Simpler times. (just for clarification, i don't consider women property). When the british thought they were awesome, and we turned around and eagle punched them. [eagle screech].

Let me interject here and say that i know british people. Not biblically, but in the sense that i've met them, spent time with them, and have come to realize that they really are terrible. Not just a few. . . . All of them.

It might be the fact that they call semi trucks, "articulated lorries", or that they call their police officers, "bobbies". It might be the fact that deep down, they're still bitter about the whole revolution thing. It might be the fact that they think rollerblading is cool. It might be the fact that people die waiting in line for medical attention. It might be the fact that they add random letters to words (behaviour). It might be the fact that they don't brush their teeth. It might be the fact that they wear euro swim trunks. It's definitely the fact that we had to save them from the nazis. Either way, the facts have spoken. The british are what we were, before we became mare kins.

Their only comeback about mare kins is that we're fat, but guess what. I'm not, and i think i remember hearing something about the british jumping on the obesity band wagon. On the wagon? Off the wagon? I'm not sure which it is. . . . . They're fat. Fat fat fat. Here is a short list of things they're jealous of.

1. Freedom (they're jealous of our presidents. . . even if they are secretly socialists)
2. Big trucks (they're jealous of our gas mileage)
3. Guns (they're jealous of or ability to own mossberg 590 a1 9 shots)
4. Minutemen (they're jealous of mare kin's dedication to hating people)
5. Immigrants (they're jealous we have immigration issues. "why don't they want to come here? it's because you smell bad.")

Anyway, these 2 bit, meter measuring, universal healthcared idiots get whatever is coming to them. The only people worse than them are the french, and they technically don't count as people. I'll take my fries with a side of freedom, please.

The post is dedicated to james. Eat dirt, you miserable sod.

ps, i'm not too worried about losing british readers because i'm pretty sure the british can't read anyway.

Saturday, December 11, 2010

TMIOFBAOILP: Too Much Information on Facebook and Other Internet-Like Places

I just erased a blog post on "insert dumb thing to write about". Don't fret. It was dumb. OK, it was more dumb than all my other posts combined. I was about to give up hope, but an anonymous comment was posted on one of my posts and it made me think about posting more posts on postable things, such as. . . . too much information on facebook. . . . . . post.

Actually, i'm just curious as to the benefits of being anonymous. Is it because it won't allow you to put a name or are you embarrassed to be seen on my blog? Is it really that bad of a blog?

Anyway, too much information on facebook.

I feel like i've posted about this before and a quick search of my blog would probably tell me that i have, but, as i'm a lazy person, i'm just going to repost. . . . or post a new one. Post.

I hate when people post these incredibly personal status updates, like "OMG, just found out i have herpes", or "OMG, just found out my baby's daddy isn't who i thought he was. . . opps", or "OMG, can't believe my girlfriend so-and-so cheated on me (thanks anonymous), or "why do people keep saying we landed on the moon? We obviously didn't", or "i have to poop". Ok ok ok, enough. You get the picture. What possesses people to write that stuff on the internet for tens of people to see?

I'll tell you what possesses people. Facebookitis: Inflammation of the facebook, meaning said person feels as if facebook isn't actually populated with real people, but with fake people, which leads to these "confession" type status updates. It's almost as if they believe facebook to be a personal diary, when in fact, it's not.

For all you "people" that feel this way, there is a cure. It's called ibustopit. It's an all natural pill that will put an end to these delusional thoughts. Side effects might be me coming to your house and eagle punching you (punch to the baby maker, guys or girls), or you might get diarrhea. One or the other.

If you must post these annoying updates, know that you will lose friends in real life as well as your internet life. Oh the choices we have to make in life.

Friday, December 10, 2010

Poshtots: Like Tater Tots, but More Expensive, and Less Useful.

Poshtots. Google it. It's disgusting. About as disgusting as tomatoes. Ok, I realize that not everybody hates tomatoes as much as i do, so i guess just imagine the most disgusting thing in the world. Throw up. Put it in a bag with whatever it is you imagined, add corn and you'll get something as disgusting as poshtots. I feel terrible for even posting a link to it, but it's worth one viewing. Sort of like at a funeral where you walk by the casket. You take one look and move on, but the fact is, you looked at a dead person.

Anyway. . . . if you were smart and didn't look, poshtots is essentially designer baby/children stuff, but on a much more ridiculous scale, such as this, which, if you once again didn't look, is a little princess bed/castle for a meager $15,000. What? That's it? Chump change. I mean, when i have kids, they're going to sleep in ferraris. "Matt jr., i told you for the sixth time, go back to your ferrari and go to sleep. If i have to ask you one more time, i'm going to make you sleep in the porsche, or worse, the Bronco II". "No, daddy, nooooooooooo". . . .

Anyway. . . . I'm just not sure what people are thinking when they choose to buy their children this crap. Actually, i'm sure it goes something like this short sequence.

1. I have so much money, i don't know what to do with it.
2. I don't want to help people, i'd rather spoil my children and help them to grow up and become snotty little turd sandwiches.
3. What should i buy?
4. Maybe a castle?
5. Maybe a bed?
6. Maybe a bed inside of a castle?
7. Probably should make it pink.
8. Oh, i need to pick up some cocaine before i run to the store.

I'd imagine that it's something like that, but maybe more extreme.

Irregardless (next post: common misspelling of words) of what they were thinking, it just shows that people have too much money. Maybe obama is on to something. People who spend money on stuff like that don't deserve to manage their funds, and we should take it from them. And after we take it from them, we should choose what they should do for work. And we should take their guns. And then euthanize them. And that reminds me. I need to sign up to be on a death panel. Mo money mo problems!

p.s. in irregards to the death panel. . . i take bribes.
p.p.s. if you want to reread that last paragraph, feel free to insert a glenn beck joke at any point. i'm sure it will be funny.

Thursday, December 9, 2010

Vibram 5 Finger Shoes: They're Toes. . . Not Fingers.

Regardless of being fingers or toes, these shoes are meant for one thing. Injuring you. . . I guess two things. Injuring you, and making you look like an idiot (offense to people who wear them. Offense). Don't bother writing arguments because i've heard all of them, and i'm prepared to to shoot down every single one of them.

The Argument - 5 finger toe shoes make you run how humans are supposed to run, up on the balls of your blah blah blah.
The Shootdown - That is dumb. I could see maybe making your children wear them growing up, but the fact is, you've already trained your feet with support your entire life so switching now because you think you'll change your body is dumb. Shot down, turd burglars.

The Argument - Ultra-runners wear them.
The Shootdown - No they don't.

The Argument - They look good.
The Shootdown - No they don't.

The Argument - It strengthens your feet.
The Shootdown - If by strengthens, you mean injures, then yeah, it strengthens your feet.

If you insist on wearing these shoes around, all the ultra-runners and physical therapists that i know say that walking around your house or around a park will give you the best results. Buying a pair of these and running a marathon is a great way to injure yourself.

I'm sure i'm going to get comments (probably not) that say something like this, "i own these things and they're great", or "i just ran a marathon in these", or "blah blah blah blah blah blah blah". Congratulations, you're an anomaly. For the rest of america, it's a sure fire way to lose friends and ruin your body.

Oh, and also. They're not fingers, they're toes. Get it right. Oh, and you look like a big idiot when you wear them. Effing barefoot trustafarians.


Tuesday, December 7, 2010

The Snuggie For Dogs: I'm Shaking With Rage

I know what you're thinking. "Matt. . . really. . . . another snuggie post?". Yes. Another snuggie post. As long as they keep producing this crap, i'll keep writing negative posts about them, and it seems like they're literally going to milk this to death.

Future posts might include:
Snuggie for Cows: Udderly Ridiculous. HA!!!!
Snuggie for the Deceased: Cloak of Death.
Snuggie for the Independent Tween: Makes a Great Strangling Device.
Snuggie for Justine Bieber: Still Not Attractive On Women.
Snuggie for Obama: Bejeweled With Socialist Propaganda.
Snuggie for Hobos: Snuggie for Dumb.

Anyway, i could seriously go on for days, but i won't because that would be dumb. . . . but actually that would be pretty impressive. But i digress. Snuggies for dogs. Click here to see some mutts being made to look really pathetic. I mean, what better way to humiliate a dog, then to make it wear a snuggie. Dogs wearing clothes in general, are bad enough, but snuggies? Really?

Purely for scientific reasons, i watched the advertisement that they show on the website and it killed me. Luckily for you and i both, i mastered the skill of resurrection and promptly came back to life, irritated that i had died, but eager to write about what a horrible thing the snuggie has done to the world. Unfortunately, i got distracted (bathroom. number 1) and when i came back to type, i had forgotten everything, so you're stuck with some mildly entertaining (subjective, i know) humor, with some mildly offensive (once again, somewhat subjective) one liners. Eff.

So, about the advertisement. What really bugs me is that whenever they show the product that they're competing with, they make it in black and white. I'm not sure why they do this. I'd imagine that it has some psychological effect on people, but all i really see is a somewhat nostalgic video. You know? It brings me back to simpler times. Times when dogs didn't wear anything because THEY'RE EFFING DOGS. . . .

I guess the one thing i did enjoy is when the lady is putting the sweater on the dog, it is obviously waaaaay too small and it looks like she is strangling it. That was easily the most entertaining thing on the site. Other than that, it is a terrible waste of the interweb and should be taken off. I urge you to call your internet provider and complain. Hopefully this will go the way of the noisy sunchip bag. Eff you snuggie for dogs. Eff. You.

p.s. if you make your dog wear a snuggie, it will hate you. that's a matt irving guarantee, which may or may not hold up in court.

p.p.s. oh crap, this post is dedicated to brett, who, in his relentless struggle to bring me material, showed me the link at about 1 in the morning. And by relentless, i mean this is the only time he's done something like this.

Monday, December 6, 2010

The Shake Weight: Seriously?

*Disclaimer*
Any and all people that were ever involved in my birth should cease and desist reading. I mean, you don't have to, but i'll probably use the word handjob (two words?) at some point in time and i don't want you to be disappointed in me.
*End of Disclaimer*

Ok, this is old news. I know. I've known about the shake weight since it's creation. I may or may not have used one during the fire season this year because someone may or may not have brought one to work. Blake Wallrich. Maybe i should or should not have admitted that. Anyway, i feel like i probably should have written about this a long time ago, and i wanted to, but a couple things stopped me.

1) i didn't want my mom to read it.

Uh, that's actually it. I love her and i don't want to disappoint her, but i feel that i'm morally at a point where i can do this and the fact is, the shake weight is "the most erotic workout product ever made" - david wigginsº, and it really is an impossibility for me to not write about this. I mean, what i don't understand is how in the name of zeus, do the people in charge of making this "workout" product, not think "handjob" every time they look at it. They must, which leads me to believe that people are a) really dumb, and b) really smart.

How else could a product that imitates a handjob be successful? People must be really dumb to buy it (unless it's a joke), and people must be really smart to realize that really dumb people would buy it.

I'm not going to lie, when i first saw it, i was speechless, sort of embarrassed, and looked around to see if anyone else was thinking the same thing i was. I'm assuming they were because of all the snickering, which leads me to my next question; Do you think there is any adult on this planet that would look at the shake weight and not think handjob? I submit that there is not.

And just when i thought that the shake weight couldn't be topped, they came out with a man shake weight, which is heavier and colored black instead of white, because nothing is more manly than giving handjob to a heavier black workout product then a smaller white one. Satisfied shake weight customer David Wiggins said, "i tried the man shake weight. It's quite a bit harder than the female one", which leaves me once again, standing in awkward silence, wondering what the world has come to.

Anyway the shake weight *cough ahem cough handjob cough ahem* tops the gravity defyer shoes as the most awkward invention to hit the mainstream market. Does it work? yes, i felt the burn. Would you ever use it in front of someone? Only as a joke. Would you ever use it in the privacy of your own home? Questionable. Do i hope my mom still loves me after this? yes. Do i regret writing this? To be determined. . . . .


º - all people quoted in this blog are real and the quotes are real and he may or may not be mad that i put them in because he didn't really know that i was going to quote him/her, which makes it better.

Sunday, December 5, 2010

Tipping at Fast Food Restaurants: No.

Tipping.

Ok, when i'm at a real restaurant, i generously tip 3%. I figure these ladies (and gents) have to make a living somehow, right? Right, but what do you do if you get crappy service? Should you not tip?

Example: One time i was at denny's (first mistake). I ordered a handburger with no tomatoes and my friend ordered moons over my hammy (second mistake). When i said "no tomatoes", i looked her in the eyes and said, "ma'am, it is imperative that i do not get tomatoes on my handburger". With wide eyes, she looked at me and and said "ok". I felt like we had some sort of understanding (later, i realized that she probably had wide eyes because she had done cocaine). When i got my handburger, it had tomatoes on it. Not only that, but my friend didn't even get what he asked for. He got a handburger as well. We stared at each other for a while, not knowing what to do, grudgingly ate our "food", then left without tipping. I was this [fingers held apart approximately 4 inches] close to starting a fight with her. I hate tomatoes that much.

Am i a bad person for not tipping? maybe. It's the only time i've ever done that. I'm usually pretty willing to tip even if i get bad service because i understand that everyone has frustrating days. This was just beyond anything i'd ever experienced. Honestly. Who confuses a moons over my hammy with a handburger? Probably someone who is tripping on acid.

Anyway, the real reason i decided to write about tipping was because i didn't have anything to write about, and i'm confused by fast food restaurants and other random food places putting a tip line on their receipts. Yeah, i'm going to tip the mcdonalds employee that made my lardburger. Do they just put it there to try and guilt you in to tipping? Probably. It works, because every time i put a zero on the tip line, i feel like a jackass, regardless of where i am.

Thanks fast food people. You've alienated me for not tipping you, even if you don't deserve it.

ps, someone sent me this idea a week ago, but i forgot who it was. Thank you so-and-so. You've inspired me with your negativity.

Saturday, December 4, 2010

Child Abuse: Not Quite Important Enough To Actually Do Anything About

*Disclaimer*
Child abuse isn't cool. . . . unless they really really deserve it. And then i just wouldn't call it abuse, i'd call it a mildly harsh punishment. For example. Child abuse. Not acceptable. Child mildly harsh punishment. Acceptable.
*End of Disclaimer*

Ok ok ok, i was on facebook most of the day today and i noticed that people were changing their profile pictures to cartoons. First off, that in and of itself, is dumb. Then i found out WHY they were changing it and i laughed til i cried til i threw up til i went to sleep. For those people living in the stone age (aka, nonfacebook users), people are changing their profile pictures to be aware of child abuse (whatever that means). I mean, i'm aware that children are abused without changing my profile picture, but whatever.

Way to stand up for something facebook people. I mean, why would you actually want to change the non-facebook world? If we could eliminate facebook child abuse, that would be something, wouldn't it? I could wake up and read fox news and there would be no reports of facebook child abuse. Just reports that obama was seen drawing swastikas in the snow, but that happens like every day, so it's not that big of deal.

On that note, i just wanted to mention that, like hipsters, people who support idiotic causes are what is really wrong with this world. More specifically facebook causes. More specifically trying to eliminate child abuse by not actually doing anything that is any way related to child abuse. Anyway, just something i was thinking about.

ps, someone stole my farmville sheep so i was going to change my profile to an animal to raise awareness about sheep stealing on farmville. Who's with me!?!?

pps, a quick google search came up with a site that actually looks like they might be in to preventing child abuse, instead of just pretending to prevent child abuse. Want to donate? click here.

Friday, December 3, 2010

Pet Peeve #1573: Uncomfortable Facebook Profile Pictures

Short Post!

Do you know what bugs me? Everything. But also when facebook profile pictures cut someone out. There is a picture of the person, and maybe an awkward leg, or an arm or half a face. I mean, why don't you just use the whole thing. If you don't like that person that much, then just use a different picture. You probably have more than one.

I'll admit that i have one picture like that, but it's only because i did it on purpose as a joke. And it was funny. I see too many of these things (probably because i'm on facebook too much). If you're really that embarrassed of the person, maybe you a) shouldn't be friends with them. . . . . . .actually, that's it. You shouldn't be friends with them. It's time to do some defriending. I guess it could also be an ex girlfriend/boyfriend/wife/husband/fiancé/boss and you don't want to be seen with them, but once again, just use another picture. "but my hair looks so good in that photo". Yeah, it does look nice. It goes well with that random arm around your shoulder.

Ok, i think i really have a problem with it because then it becomes an uncomfortable photo for me to look at. I'm very kind of OCD and when you cut someone out, the crop becomes bad, or the lines draw your eye away from the subject. Basically, it becomes a crappy photo. Yes, i realize it's just a facebook photo and i should ease up, but i mean, just don't use them. Do everyone a favor and choose something else.

Thursday, December 2, 2010

Self-Help Books: Yeah, I'll Get Right On That. . . Idiot.

I'm running out of things to be negative about because my life is actually pretty good, so recently, i've been relying on the ideas of people with crappier attitudes than mine. This one comes from Denise. Thanks for having a crappy attitude. This actually might be the first time that i've acknowledged people giving me ideas, aside from matt irving.

Self-Help Books.

Since i'm pretty much a master of book reviews (and promoting myself) i'm going to attempt a genre review. As stated above, this is the self-help genre, or more specifically, the crappy-writers-who-think-they-have-the-answer-to-happiness-when-in-fact-they-don't-and-in-reality-the-only-thing-they-have-to-offer-is-a-book-with-probably-a-nice-cover-and-a-bunch-of-common-sense-ideas genre.

Yeah, it'd be nice to relax for 8 hours a day and think positive thoughts. That's a great idea. While i'm at it, why don't i poop out some gold doubloons so i can pay for my 3 hour daily massage? It's not going to happen. My problem with these books is that they offer ideas that are a) common sense (the key to happiness is to not be mad) and 2. only available to people with lots of extra money floating around (the key to happiness is to have lots of money and material possessions). Eff those authors. Do they have any idea what the real world is like? No. Do i have any idea what the real world is like? probably not. I'm in my own world of awesomeness 6 months out of the year and do you know what? it's great.

The following are ideas on how i propose you become happy.
1. Max out your sick days at work: If your sick days go away at the end of the year, use them all. If people can get "medicinal" marijuana because they're "sick", you can use your sick days because you're "sick".
2. Don't watch people punching each other in the face: Normal people don't like to see real violence. I for one, don't like to see people getting punched in the face. That's why i avoid watching UFC fighting. You might not realize it, but every time you watch that stuff, you put yourself in a bad mood.
3. Quality vs. Quantity: Make sure your quality of life is greater than your quantity of life. I'm leaving that vague because i actually don't know what it means. I just thought it sounded good, which is what most self-help writers do.
4. Eat good food: And by good food, i mean Wienershnitzel. Hot dog, that place is good.
5. Observe other people who are worse off than you: Take some time and wander down town to watch the homeless. I for one like watching the documentaries on starving kids in africa. It really makes me feel good. If that doesn't work, try fail blog. I realize that somebody who is getting punched in the face is definitely worse off than you, especially if you're not getting punched in the face, but for the purpose of this blog, just try not to think too much.
6. Feed the ducks: Seriously, have you watched ducks. They're so cute just waddling around all cute like. quack quack.
7. Skip rocks/roll rocks down mountain: Nothing is more relaxing than skipping rocks. Nothing is more fun than rolling boulders down a mountain. Do both in one day and you'll be pretty satisfied.

Anyway, there are actually quite a few more arrows of awesomeness in my quiver of happiness, but if i told you all of them, then i'd end up average. Actually, i'll give you some hints, they deal with entertaining friends, not being cold, and getting people sick.

I'll leave you with one final one that is my personal favorite.

8. Tell secrets that were told to you: Essentially this is gossip.

Monday, November 29, 2010

Baby Beauty Pageants: Destroying America, One Baby at a Time

*Disclaimer*
Parents of babies participating in baby beauty pageants: You are terrible people exploiting your children and you should be ashamed. Despite what you think, dressing your child up like a prostitute does not increase their self esteem. Especially if they're too young to realize what's going on. This post is for you.
*End of Disclaimer*

Baby beauty pageant parents. What would possess you to make your child do something like this? I mean, i understand that you probably participated in pageants in your younger years and you sucked at it so you somehow feel like this might be your "second chance" that you've been waiting for your entire life, but it's not a "second chance". You don't have any more "chances" and you're ruining your child's only "chance" at a normal life.

Listen, this will not validate your existence anymore than watching the movie Independence Day validates the existence of aliens. I strongly urge you to take some time to reflect on the crappiness you are inflicting on your child.

For the purpose of this next section, i'd like the reader to pull up this website.


If you have been to this website before, you are a terrible person. If you run this website, you are on par with people like hitler and glenn beck.

Ok, here are several things that are severely wrong with this website.

1. The website
2. The tiaras sitting atop the girls on the home page are easily the ugliest things i've seen since i was doing research for my nickelback blog post (Chad Kroeger, you are an ugly man). Anyway, one of them is way too big. Cartoon big. That's right. Cartoon big. Look it up. It's in the dictionary. It's an adjective (is it?) that means ridiculously big. (ie. That girl's tiara is cartoon big, just like her hair). That was an unfair example because it looks like she actually has really nice hair.
3. The name of the website. Universal royalty? Come on. that's really tacky. As tacky as this wedding photography website.
4. They have a photo retouching link which made me throw up, but i already kind of wrote about that, so i won't elaborate.

I could easily fill your day with more negativity, but i won't. I need to get out of bed. It's 11:11 and i feel like i'm just wasting my day.

I'd like end with maybe a thought or two on "inner beauty" but that would kind of be going in the opposite direction of the blog, so i'll end with. . . .

Eff you baby beauty pageant parents. Eff. You.

Friday, November 26, 2010

All My Friends Are Dead: More Entertaining Than The Bible

I hate to be the bearer of bad news, but the bible is boring, so it's not that hard to be more entertaining than it. I'm not writing this to offend people, i'm just being honest. It's boring. Also, i am writing this to offend people.

Anyway, I was in canada last month and a mediocreº friend introduced me to this awesome book titled "All my friends are dead" by Avery Monsen and Jory John. We will now refer to this book as AMFAD.

Ok, AMFAD is literally the funniest effing book i've ever read. Side note, i wrote a review for this book on my sisters blog, but she made me censor myself, and she probably won't post it. How messed up is that? My own sister. She said i couldn't use the word "effing", but how else are you going to describe a funny book as effing funny as this one? No other way.

At first glance, AMFAD appears to be a children's book because of the cover art, as well as the large print and giant pictures on the inside, but don't be misled because it's not. Well, i mean, it might pass off as a children's book if by children's book, you mean a book that is not really for children. Like mein kampf. Ok ok ok, maybe it's not that extreme, but i feel like the humor is somewhat adult. For instance:

"I'd rather not. Carlos told me you got mono."

Ha!!! In the end, it gives a great message, which i won't spoil. It's only $10 on Amazon and only takes about 5 minutes to read, but it's definitely worth adding to your collection, or if you don't own any books, it'd be a great starter.

And just to stick it to the censorship man or woman. Effing. Effing funny book.



º After reading the book, said friend was bumped up to good friend and if said friend can get me a him suit, said friend will be bumped up to great friend. . . . just saying.

Thursday, November 25, 2010

President Sarah Palin: Equivalent to President The Situation

I have very moderately strong political opinions. For safety reasons, i try to be ambiguous in my posts, but all safety aside, i simply can't sit back and not write about this. The material is right in front of me. It's like james cameron watching pocahontas, then not making avatar. Impossible.

Ok ok ok, Sarah Palin, scourge of the earth, has a new "reality" show. This mamma grizzly obviously must not want to be in politics anymore because she is now on par with the cast of the jersey shore. I'm not going to get too specific and i'll let you decide who you want her to equal. Snooki? J-wow? Maybe even the situation? Regardless of who you choose, the jersey shore is equivalent to a turd sandwich and sarah palin is now equivalent to the jersey shore, so i'll let you do some word math and figure it out. Actually, i'll just do it for you. Sarah palin = turd sandwich.

Don't be mad. I didn't do this. She did, when she decided to get a show on TLC. Some of you might argue that the jersey shore is not on TLC, and you would be right. Let's say i didn't use the jersey shore, how about i just use Jon and Kate plus 8. This ray of light is quick to exploit her kids and is someone i wouldn't consider a stand up woman. So instead of the jersey shore, we'll say she's on par with that terrible kate lady. Oh gosh, they're just all terrible people.

Personally, i feel like i would have to leave america if she was ever in charge of anything other than her own children, which is still a scary thought. It's not that i have a problem with a woman being in charge, but if we do have a woman president, i'd at least like one with half a brain that can comprehend foreign policy, and simple math. Some of you probably feel i'm being too harsh, and i might be, but i'm sticking to my guns, which is funny i should use that phrase. Wasn't obama going to take all our guns away? I'm pretty sure mrs. palin was saying that. Hmmm. That's weird.

Anyway, if any of you belong to that tea bag movement, i'd urge you to pick a new spokesperson because the one you currently love is (hopefully) throwing her political ambitions down the toilet. Ug, she makes me insane.

Wednesday, November 24, 2010

Thanksgiving: I Have Worms

ok ok ok, the title is once again, somewhat misleading because i don't have worms, but i'll try and somehow tie this in before the end. Actually, i'm not going to. I was really just trying to lure people in using shock and awe, sort of like sarah palin and her new reality show (next post for sure).

On a side note, having a tapeworm during the holiday season might not be such a bad thing. Eat guilt free (i do anyway [thanks metabolism. you're great]) and deal with the consequences AFTER christmas. It's like buying a t.v. you can't afford. finance it!!!

Ok, I've been writing on this blog for a couple years now and i must take some time and say thanks to my sister mindy who has an incredibly popular book review blog. click here if you want to see it. Congrats Mindy, you now have 1 new viewer. Yourself. . . . which leads me to my next topic.

Eff you people for not commenting on any of my posts. You're like. . . . tapeworms (I knew i could tie it in. I was going to use a succubus as an example because it sounded like it fit, but i looked it up and apparently it's a female demon that has sex with sleeping men. . . awesome). Anyway. . . tapeworms. . . you just take and take and take and never give anything back.

I spend minutes of my week hunched over my fancy laptop concerned about how i'm going to entertain the world and then i spend a few more minutes copying and pasting other people's work to try and make sense out it. Do you know how hard it is? It's not very hard, but do you know how frustrating it is to just get these comments from my sister? i mean, i love her to death, but i know she just does it to boost my self esteem since her blog is way more popular than mine.

Would it hurt to just say "hey matt, you're the man?" It might if you had carpal tunnel, but you don't, so during this time of thanksgiving, why don't you pony up a few seconds of your time and say thanks. to me.

Sunday, November 21, 2010

Gravity Defyer Shoes: Part Deux

Ok ok ok. I'm first going to apologize for the shortness of that last post. Basically, i had to get that image up immediately to let it (the image) sink in to your brain. Did it sink? I mean, ok, i'm just going to throw this out there.

Their logo is a sperm or spermatozoon (thanks pamela) as the intelligent people call it.

I feel as if i've just overdosed on crazy pills, and not even the generic brand. I'm talking the legit ones.

There are a few explanations as to why a company would use a sperm as a logo

a) The company is run by monkeys. (probably orangutans because they're kind of immature like that)
b) The man/woman in charge has a good (awesome) sense of humor.
c) The company is run by a bunch of guys with smoothies (think ken doll).
d) There is actually nobody running the company. Through a remarkable amount of luck, all the molecules came together and formed what we would call a shoe factory, and through an even more remarkable amount of luck, they appeared on the interweb.

Anyway, regardless of how it happened, this situation is quite similar to the time Michael Jordan grew a hilter mustache.

Obviously there is a period of time where someone could have raised their hand and said "hey, uhhhhhhh, does anyone else think our logo looks like a sperm?" Instead, they chose to keep silent. Let this be a lesson to all of you who choose to do nothing. This is what happens when you sit back and let people think for themselves.

Sperm shoes.

Gravity Defyer Shoes: Shortest Post Ever


Uh. . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .

Saturday, November 20, 2010

Whitney Houston: Strangely Starting to Make Sense

*Dislcaimer*
This post technically isn't about Whitney (sorry), but it was a convenient lead in, so. . . . i apologize for misleading you. Actually, i don't care.
*End of Disclaimer*

OK, I'm going to type some lyrics up and i hope that as you read them, you are singing on the inside, but preferably on the outside.

I believe that children are our future. Teach them well and let them lead the way. Show them all the beauty they possess insiiiiiiiiiiiiiide. Give them a sense of pride to make it easier. . . . . . . blah blah blah. How about instead of giving them a sense of pride, we do this.

click here.

For those of you (probably all of you) too lazy to click on the link and read it, i'll give you a brief synopsis (yes i realize "brief synopsis" is redundant, but i wanted to emphasize how brief the synopsis would be).

Retouching school photos.

Parents. Let me get this straight. Instead of trying to make your kid feel special, you decide to go and edit out a birthmark that is permanently on his/her/mark's face. It's cool, it's cool. I mean, why would you ever want to make your kid proud of who he/she is? That's crazy. It would probably be more beneficial to have them worry about a physical trait they have no control over.

I applaud you for your "think outside the box" attitude. You really are thinking ahead. Ahead to a time when instead of editing your child's disfigurements in a photo, you could just edit your actual child, maybe even discard them if they didn't live up to your standards.

To tell you the truth, this disgusts about as much baby beauty pageants, which may be my next post.


Friday, November 19, 2010

TSA: The Sexuality Agency

With all the hullaballoo (spelling?) about the new/old x-ray scanners at the airports, i decided it'd be perfect timing to throw in my 10 cents and see if i can flex my blog a little bit. You know, see if i can force some change. It worked with sunchips, so i figured it could work for the body scanners. We'll see.

So, if you're not up to speed on the whole debacle, i'll fill you in with some nearfacts.

Issue: TSA's new policy at airports is to feel everybody's genitals. . . . twice. Apparently this is to prevent terrorists, but personally, i feel it's because people at TSA appreciate genitals. But hey, who doesn't, right? If they're not feeling people up, they're posting naked pictures of passengers on the internet. What's the problem with that? I'll tell you what the problem is. They're not very flattering.

I mean, i could see people being cool with some tasteful nudes, but what they're posting is far from tasteful. It's this metallic[a] blue, wrinkly, skin squishy blob thing that. . . . what's that? Oh. . . . . apparently the people are gross, not the images themselves, which is actually a convenient segue [sounds like segway] into my next topic. . . .

This is where i would normally write a little bit about obesity, but i've had some complaints about my posts being too long and people skipping stuff, and that my friends, is a stupid thing to do. So to all you that skip my material. Eff. You.

Thursday, November 18, 2010

Political Correctness: More Annoying Than Cats. The Musical, As Well As The Animal

*Disclaimer*
This post might offend people. I guess that's going to be a permanent disclaimer. Other than offending, there might be some phrases that will make you throw up, so just be prepared. Maybe stand by a bucket or toilet or something.
*End of Disclaimer*

What the eff is happening in the world? Every day i wake up and find that a word or phrase is now unacceptable to use. The first time it happened, i was in 4th grade and i used the phrase "banana jams". I was talking about smashing a banana in someones face, but the teacher must have been thinking something else because i got in so much trouble. . . . . Really? Banana jams? What's next, jipped? Oh. . . . what's that? That's offensive to gypsy's? COME ON!!! They don't even look the same. Oh. . . . what's that? It was originally spelled gypped? . . . . . . . . well, it's a good thing gypsy's don't have feelings. fact.

Anyway, apparently we can't use the word gypped anymore, unless we say jipped, instead of gypped.

Effing politically correct idiots. They're ruining mare ka (america [America]). What's next? Eskimo kisses? You are not going to take that away from me. I don't care if it's offensive to eskimos. Eskimo kisses are awesome. This could go on for a while, but i have "workº" to do, so i'm going to leave you with this: Gay used to mean happy, now it means same sex attraction. Teenagers and ignorant adults use it to mean dumb. In a hundred years, it could mean flower pot.

ie "hey could you move the flowers from the garden to a gay. I'd like to have them in the house. Oh, and pick a gay that matches the drapes, because. . . ok, never mind, i'll do it."

All i'm saying is that people get offended too easy. Relax.

Anytime (intoxicated) people use the word "mormon" to mean someone who doesn't have fun, i don't get bent out of shape, i drive them home because i'm the permanent designated driver and they thank me. . . . and sometimes, i go through their wallets and take what is owed to me. Just saying.

Ok, seriously, i'm getting back to "workº".

Oh, i forgot about a phrase that might make you throw up. Are you ready? baby bump. ug. sick.


º - facebook

Monday, November 8, 2010

Married People: So Mature = Faux Maturity

*Disclaimer*
If you are recently married (i'd say within the last 15 years) and you're what i'd call a "friend", be prepared to defriend me on facebook. This might hurt.
*End of Disclaimer

Dear Married People,
Let me first say/admit that i am immature. I'll admit it. I don't pretend to be mature. I know i'm not.

That being said, NEITHER ARE YOU.

At least you're not as mature as you think you are. It's weird. Right before you were married, you were just as "immature" as everyone else. You made inappropriate jokes. You were reckless. You did other immature things. But once you said "i do", you became wrapped in a shroud of maturity that frankly other people find disgusting/annoying.

We (single people) know that you look down on us. That you think you're better than us. That you ride your tall horse around thinking that all single people must be unhappier than you and that they all must be jealous of you.

The truth is, we are. We all wish that we were so delusional that we could also wrap ourselves in a shroud of maturity. It would be great. I mean, ignorance really is bliss.

Unfortunately, we can't wrap ourselves in that ridiculous shroud and instead, we're forced to put up with you. We put up with you at church functions. We put up with you in public. We put up with you at work. We don't however put up with you when we travel because usually you're not there. Anyway.

Married people. Eff. You.

Love
matt

ps - Drexton, i wouldn't put you in that category.

Sunday, November 7, 2010

The Great Pacific Garbage Patch: Disappointing

I want to bring your attention to something that has been hogging up the airwaves for the last little while. And by little while, i mean this is kind of old news that i ended up having a conversation about at dinner. Anyway, It's the great pacific garbage patch. I'm assuming it's somewhere in the pacific ocean, given the name. I'm also assuming that it's basically a big patch of garbage.

When i first heard about this, i was amazed. A giant island of plastic, swirling in the gyre. This must be a huge environmental disaster. Dang. We need to do something about this. Let's send a fleet of floating garbage trucks and an army of aqua garbage men (affixed with water wings, duh) out to this island in order to save the planet. Now. . . . . That was my initial thought.

Tonight at dinner, i learned some disappointing news. It's not really even technically§ an island. You can't even walk on it. I was imagining this pile of plastic, with maybe astroturf growing on it (thank alex honnold for that one), and what it turns out to be is a bunch of plastic things floating on top of the ocean. How much of a let down was that?

I figured that with american consumerism and china being whatever it is, we would have the power to literally create an island out of plastic. I'm talking animals living on it. Maybe a tribe of island people. Possibly even some nice houses. I mean, these are the two countries that gave us global warming, slavery, and mutant animals. I figured we could do better than that.

What i propose is we really live up to our potential. Instead of recycling, we need to start shipping our plastic to friends or relatives on the coast and have them ship them to this weak pile of plastic. I figure in about 5 years, we could literally have a place to go on vacation. Not only that, but we could open up some real estate plots to put all the overpopulation whiners/wieners on it. waaaaaaaaa, we're running out of water. waaaaaaaaa, there isn't enough food for everyone. waaaaaaaa, get over it. You know, i'm going to try and have as many kids as possible just to annoy you (i won't).

Anyway, let's get motivated and create that island.

§ - I say technically because my definition of an island is one that you can physically make some sort of shelter on and maybe live for a year if you had to. It has to grow palm trees as well as other various fruit trees. It also must have bears on it.

Hold Up: Life Cycles

I saw a movie last night that was inspirational. Oddly enough, it was a mountain biking movie. Here's the trailer.


I really wish you could see the whole film because it tells a much bigger story. It tells us why we do the things we do.

Our life cycles.

We live. We grow. We love. We learn. We die. On, top of that, the cinematography is spectacular, and the riding is really good too. I hope that it wins a couple awards because it is really one of the best films i've seen here at the banff film festival. Anyway, sorry about being positive, Hopefully i'll get out of this rut and write something really negative. I should probably be extra negative since this one is kind of positive. Maybe i'll finally be able to write about nickelback. Anyway, see the film if you ever get a chance. It's worth is.

Friday, November 5, 2010

Sunchips: Beating a Dead Horse is More Fun Than You Would Think

*Disclaimer*
I have never, nor will i ever, beat a dead horse. Not to say i don't think about it sometimes. And i might poke one with a stick or kind of nudge it to see if it's alive (you know, every time i see a horse laying down, i think it's dead), but i'm 97% sure i wouldn't beat a dead horse. Live horses, are a different story.
*End of Disclaimer*

*Another Disclaimer*
Oh relax, i was kidding. . . . . maybe.
*End of Disclaimer*

Anyway, sunchips. The bane of my existence. Sorry. For those of you who are new to this. I hate sunchips. Not so much the chip itself, but the noisy bag they were coming in. You know. . . . that one. The one that sounds similar to low flying aircraft circling your conversation, or i guess what was left of your conversation. They're really really loud. Or at least they were loud. I had written sunchips letters, sending them elaborate formulas on the cost to convenience ratio of loudness vs. environmentally friendliness proving that a) they were in fact louder than space shuttles, therefore were doing more damage than the non compostable bags. And b) the environment actually didn't care in the least whether or not you could compost them because a) the environment knows that people don't compost them and b) even the environment was bugged by how loud they were.

I love lists.

Anyway, long story longer, my blog is 93% responsible for frito lays changing back to the normal bags (it's not). Not only that, but a sunchips representative personally came to my house and was a human ottoman for 3 days (he didn't). Victory is mine. . . . or so i thought.

One problem. Canaduh. That's right. That's how it should be spelled. Just like america should be spelled ameericuh. Anyway, i'm going to add one more thing onto my list of why i think canada should fall into the ocean. Reason #73 - canada is an exception to the noisy bag. Just like they're an exception to freedom. Ug. Let me explain. Canada is not getting rid of the noisy bag. Instead they choose to save the environment.

Wow, that's dumb. I mean, if china did it, i could see it making a difference, but canada has what, 1 million people? Half of which live in igloos and don't even know what chips are. I'm sure some disgusting pretentious canadian hipster had something to do with this. Or not. I don't know. All i know is i now have one more reason to not come back to canada. Thanks a lot.

Saturday, October 30, 2010

Plagiarism: Hey Matt Irving, No Hard Feelings.

Is it plagiarism if i take someone else's idea? Maybe. What if that other person is also named matt irving? Put that in your pipe and pretend to smoke it.

I was recently looking to see if my blog appeared inside of google. Apparently it does if you google: matt irving blog of negativity dumb pretentious rolling backpacks. Weird, i know. It doesn't really show up for anything else. Try it. Or don't. . . . . I just lied to you so don't bother. Anyway, I found out that another matt irving had a blog on myspace (kind of childish) and i wanted to see if it was as funny as mine (it's not). It's not, however he did have a good idea that i promptly borrowed. Don't worry, i'll cite him (see below)

This idea comes from matt irving. There, are you happy? I don't care either way. Wham! that just happened. Speaking of wham, that was kind of a weird band, don't you think? And by weird, i mean awesome.

Anyway, the ultimate friend competition. That's what i've been trying to get at for the last two paragraphs. I imagine that my fan is perking up at this point, hoping that he/she will have a shot at being the ultimate friend (which is no relation to the ultimate human, but it might help)

*Disclaimer*
No one reading this is my ultimate friend for several reasons. You can read on to find out, or you can stop and go cry in the corner. Your choice.
*End of Disclaimer*

Ok, here is a list of ultimate friend requirements. Keep in mind that these are more like loose guidelines that can be changed at any point. For example, if you were to buy me food, you would bypass all requirements and be my ultimate friend for a day or two, or until i went to the bathroom.

1. Must be facebook friends. (not just "facebook friends" but for reals. I'm talking messages, wall posts that aren't links to dumb things, pokes, compliments, etc. . . . (oh, and i'm not fishing for friend requests because i don't really care)
2. Must be able to do feats of: strength, balance, wisdom, flexibility, awesome, etc...
3. Must bare my first child. Sorry dudes, unless you can pony up a uterus, a womanish figure, and some class, you're probably out.
4. Must bear my first child. You read that correctly. It's a verb. Look it up (don't). It means to allow ones child to be raised by a gaggle of bears for one year. I'm cool with it. My ultimate friend must be as well.
5. Must read my blog and make comments about how funny i am.
5. Must make me feel good about myself.
6. Must talk me into doing cool things. ie. . . "you could totally make that" (referring to landing a trick, jumping a gap, making a cake, constructing a sweet octopus halloween costume, blah blah blah, etc, etc, etc...)
7. Must have the ability to notice and compliment good facial hair.
8. Must not be canadian.
9. Ok, i'm going to bed.

Good luck.

Rereading this, it appears that i've made a list of requirements for a wife, but that's not what it started out as. Eff.