Monday, January 11, 2010

Order in the Universe

I'm going to try to make this negative, even though it's not really a negative topic.

Rules of Blogging:

1. The first rule of blogging is never talk about blogging. Unfortunately, I break this rule almost everyday trying to get people to read my blog. I'm not too bad at it though. It seems like some pathetic self promoters can't seem to shut up about it.
2. Watch your language. especially if your mother reads your blog, which actually leads into rule number. . . .
3. Never let your mother read your blog. By allowing her to read your blog, you open yourself up to questions that you might not want to answer, such as "what does wtf stand for?". It stand for "what the french, mom. what the french". But remember, if she's already reading it, don't block her, just be conscious that the woman who gave birth to you is always watching.
4. Understand that most likely nobody reads your blog, unless you're my sister. This is one of the first things i think of before i write. I do this because i mostly just write to make myself laugh, and since i'm a really good judge of what's funny, i feel confident that i can make the unsuspecting interneter who stumbles upon my blog laugh as well. . . . or not.
5. Don't blog everyday. Personally, i don't see how anyone can blog everyday. They must either have a lot to say, or have many interesting things happen to them. Ok, i guess if you have many different interesting things happen to you, that's fine, but for the most part, people need to take a couple days in between posts to recharge, otherwise they end up talking about things that don't matter, like what they had for dinner, what color their stool was, how their wedding was, how many times a day they said the word 'shazam', etc....
6. Offending people is your responsibility. I make an earnest effort to offend at least one person on my blog each time. Whether i'm specifically naming that person, or just hinting, i generally have someone in mind. If you're reading this and you have a blog, you might be thinking "is he talking about me?". The answer. Probably yes.
7. Never be the first person to post a comment on your own blog. it's sad, and i've most likely done it. crap, this is depressing. Ok, there are some exceptions to the rule. obviously if you have some clarification you need to attend to, then that's fine, but if it's really that much, you should just edit your post and then repost it.
8. Try and use correct grammar. yes, i know, i don't start my sentences in capitals and i don't capitalize my "i's", but it's not that i don't know any better, i just think little "i's" look better than bigger was. Regardless, try not to use "uraqt", if you're trying to say "you're a cutie". This isn't texting. you have a full keyboard at your disposal. I realize that i'm opening myself up for criticism, since i'm sure i've used improper grammar somewhere in this blog.
9. By blogging, you are unintentionally (or intentionally) telling people you are narcissistic. It's not a bad thing, just know that's the message you're sending.

If you're reading this and you haven't been offended or left feeling somewhat depressed/negative, i leave you with these words or wisdom. Give up.


MindySue said...

so what does having 3 or 4 blogs say about you?

Matthew said...

please. if you'd done your research before trying to insult me, you would have realized that i run one blog, and i contribute to another one, but only on rare occasions.

MindySue said...

please matt. i know. negativity and poop script. i was talking about MYSELF. Duh.

Matthew said...

ok, that makes sense. when you say you, you mean yourself. well, considering people actually read yours besides me, i'd say you're doing fine. plus, you're good at writing.

Mel said...

okay Matt, just so you know, other people out in the universe are reading your negativity too. You can blame your sister by the way.