Thursday, April 29, 2010

7 Habits of Highly Ineffective People

After seeing the title to this old "classic", i realized that, for one reason or another, the average american probably won't ever read it. I am average. To make things easier on the general population, I've come up with 7 habits of highly ineffective people. Instead of telling people how to be successful, which seems like a really difficult thing to do, i'm going to give 7 tips on how to be unsuccessful. So as long as you avoid these things, you will not be unsuccessful*.

1. Not eating Wranglers - A little known fact that few people know is that the majority of unsuccessful people don't eat wranglers (a really good hotdog).
2. Staring - 90% of unsuccessful people stare. Fact.
3. Excessive Blinking - This is somewhat similar to staring, in the sense that it's annoying.
4. Jumping Rope - In a scientific study, kids ages 3-10 who jump rope, are more likely to be unsuccessful than those that do not jump rope.
5. Not Working - In an identical study to the rope jumping, The average American that does not work, is less successful than the unaverage American that works. . . . . unless you count those on unemployment. SHAZAAAAM!
6. Myspacing - Besides the creator of Myspace, people that have a myspace account are statistically less successful than those with a facebook account. This may or may not be influenced by the age variable.
7. Low Riding (next blog topic) - The easiest way to not be successful is to low ride your pants. Not only does it inhibit your physical prowess, but it is functionally the worst fashion idea on the planet. A distant second is high heels, followed closely by bling.

*Disclaimer - There is a high possibility you will be unsuccessful even if you avoid these things.

Ok, so i've had some complaints and i guess i forgot to iterate that I'm basically using ineffective and unsuccessful as synonyms, despite them not being synonyms. Come on. They're basically the same thing. Get over it.

Sunday, April 18, 2010

The Art of Running Over a Kangaroo

For those of you that love animals, read on.

I'm in australia for a bit, and we ran over a kangaroo. Not on purpose, obviously, but it happened. They're like deer. One minute you're driving along, the next your swerving to avoid an idiotic kangaroo jumping across the road. Actually, they're more like a mix between a rabbit and a deer. . . and a t-rex. They have really short useless arms that actually make me kind of sick. They're so short and useless.

Anyway, we accidently hit this roo and we just heard it tumble under the car. Huge bumps. We were all screaming, naturally, and we stopped to calm down. Tim slowly turned the car around. We knew it had to be done, but nobody wanted it. Anyway, he reluctantly smashed on the gas. We were headed straight for it. BUMP BUMP. The bumps were much larger than expected. Luckily we had insurance on the vehicle so any and all damage done to the vehicle is covered, regardless of what happens.

My thoughts on the situations: We needed a bigger car and a brush guard. This would have solved lots of issues. Here are some things to think about.
1. When running over an animal, it's always best not to swerve. Better the animal die than you, right?
2. Make sure that the animal isn't too big. Running over a moose in a honda civic is generally not a good idea. The kangaroo we hit was on the cusp of being too big, but since we had insurance, it didn't matter. On that note.
3. Does your insurance cover hitting animals? If it doesn't, you might want to quickly think about swerving.
4. Don't feel bad. It's part of natural selection.
5. Be humane. Make sure it's dead. Use any means necessary to do so; gun, club, fist, car, etc... on that note.
6. Don't run over it a second time if there are kids around. As funny as that would be, it is quite traumatizing for the children, so should be avoided.
7. It's ok to cry.
8. A moment of silence should be held. This usually happens regardless because people are in shock for a couple minutes afterwards.
9. Last but not least, tell your friends about it.

Sunday, April 4, 2010

I Would Rather Freeze to Death

Since my last post had such an impact on the planet, i decided to manufacture a similar post in hopes that my readers would be entertained. This post, however, might get some criticism, especially from the ladies' camp, since most women are a) irritable, and b) cold.

That's right, we're going to hold a one-chaired round table discussion on what Satan has deemed his second greatest invention (first one is the rolling backpack), AKA, the snuggie, AKA, dumb. Way to go snuggie!

The snuggie (i'm not capitalizing it. . . . ever) is easily one of the dumber things i've seen in life. The whole premise behind the snuggie is that you want to remain functional while still enjoying the creature comforts of a blanket. You want to be able to use your hands in order to talk on a phone, make bread, or strangle someone (side note, perfect for strangling), and apparently you can't do that if you're in a blanket.

Warning: Incoming Sarcasm
It's 99.3% impossible to use your hands when you're wearing a regular blanket. FACT. Just to make sure, i tested it earlier today and nearly died when i became entrapped and couldn't get out. I was completely incapacitated. Luckily, my roommates came home and found me wrapped up on the couch staring at the tv. I had a whole bowl of uneaten potato chips, an uneaten burrito and 4 missed calls on my phone which was sitting right next to me. If they hadn't come home, i would still be watching The View, against my will. Seriously, against my will. WINK. Whoopi, you so crazy!

All jokes aside, this is probably a controversial topic because i know several people (one actually) who will remain anonymous (kat) who received one for christmas and i've heard he/she (she) enjoys it. ug. that makes me sick.

Women, i know you're cold ALL THE TIME, but seriously, you wear really uncomfortable clothes just because they look good. I thought you were all about sacrificing comfort for fashion. A blanket isn't even uncomfortable, unless it's made out of nails, and even then, it's really determined on how far apart each nail is. If you're really concerned about functionality, buy an effing robe. They're 10 times more functional, and exponentially less dumb.

Guys, i feel like i don't have to say anything to you because you already understand why people shouldn't use these things, although the photo below shows some grown men wearing them. Just understand that they're on TV, so they don't count as real men. That's right Luke Cudney, real men aren't on TV, or in movies. FACT.

Anyway, be sure to stare at the photo below and try to fully appreciate how idiotic those people look.

Editor's Note: We didn't even begin to touch on how dumb snuggies are. We could have easily started talking about snuggies used in public, unfortunately, i don't have the time (i do have the time), as it would take the good part of a week to fully comprehend the stupidity behind it.