Wednesday, May 26, 2010

Fixies: The World's Second Most Stupid Form of Transportation

Ok, to get this out there, the unicycle is numero uno. Whenever i see people riding one around pretending to go somewhere, i just feel bad for them. Buy another wheel. . . or a bus pass. . . or walk. Pretty much, pick any other way to move and you'd move faster than if you were on a unicycle. And you wouldn't look like an idiot.

So, even though i despise unicycles and think they're the #1 worst form of transportation, i still despise them less than fixies. What are fixies you ask? Well, the urban dictionary gave me this definition:

"Fixies - Fixed gear bicyclists", which, if you've ever read anything in the urban dictionary, is severely disappointing. I was expecting something a little more. . . abrupt, such as:

"Fixies - the worlds second most stupid form of transportation. Most often ridden by pretentious hipsters who, along with all the other hipsters, put on a facade of nonconformity. Not only that, but [the hipsters] are dumb. Very very dumb. I mean, don't get me wrong. They are probably book smart, but in general, they're really very dumb at life.

Wikipedia has a "better" definition, but it's kind of long and not very colorful, so if you really are a nerd and want to look it up. feel free. Fixie. Nerd. But i digress. Fixies. Terrible little contraptions. If you didn't look it up, basically, it's a devolved bicycle. That's right. devolved.

At some point, some moron thought that it would be cool to stop the evolution of the bicycle and go back a little bit. "Simplify" it. Not to the bicycles with the giant front wheel, but just a little bit after that. There are no brakes. If you want to stop, you have to crash. At first you think, that sounds dumb, and you would be right, it's dumb. Also, the handlebars have become smaller. Not functionally smaller like you're thinking, but non-functionally smaller. Almost to the point of nonexistent. Think of holding on to a couple AA batteries.

Anyway, if you're thinking about dabbling with fixies, save yourself some time and just wreck on a cooler bike. If, after that, you still feel like getting on one, but don't want to spend the money, just go to a "local" coffee shop. There are probably tons outside. take one. it's on me.


diane said...

#1 You didnt mention my name in your dumb blog, you are a liar.

#2 There is something to be said about devolving a bike to its simplest form. I liken it to bouldering. Though the difference bike wise would be single speed = bouldering with crash pad and fixed gear bouldering with no crash pad.

#3 The handlebars are so small so they can fit in between cars easier.

I am not defending the fixie or the geniuses who ride them. Simply commenting, cause if I have to read your words you have to read mine.

Anonymous said...

So would the Segway be the #3 (in your humble opinion)???

Aricka said...

LOL!!! That double AA batteries comment was funny. I was actually going to write a post similar to this subject. Now, I am not.

merk said...

HA! humble opinion, good one. matt, you know how i was really excited about your birthday present (of which you still have yet to recieve)... mike and i bought you a fixie.... well.. .. .. make the most of it

Aricka said...

I just realized that I didn't need to write double.

Anonymous said...


Matthew said...

yeah, anonymous, i don't know if you understand blogging at all, because no one who blogs has a humble opinion. that's why i have a blog. because i think my opinion is better than everyone elses. mark. i hate you. aricka, you could still write one, then link it to mine, sort of like a reference. Diane, i had to do it, to trick you in to reading it. thanks for being a good sport.

J-Hal said...

At first, I thought you were referring to the bikes with the big wide handlebars and big tires people ride around these days. The ones that look like they are about 50 years old. I personally hate those ones. Sorry if you ride one.

Normandy said...

fixie people are stupid reject losers with no brain to think for themselves. sad and trying too hard