Thursday, May 13, 2010

Smug Gum Chewers Suck Eggs. Ostrich Eggs.

So. . . it was brought to my attention the other day how intensely i'm annoyed by smug gum chewers. You know who you are. . . . or you don't, whatever. Anyway, two things i'd like to clear up real quick. It is possible to be annoyed by something and then forget you were annoyed by it, only to be reminded later that you indeed were annoyed by it. It frequently happens to me all the time. To name a few (and by few i mean one) examples; smug gum chewers. . . . Two. . . . . . . [blank stare] . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .

Anyway, back to smug gum chewers, or SGC's as they prefer not to be called. If you're not familiar with a SGC, let me describe one to you. They smugly chew their gum. They chew it with their mouth open in a smug way, usually in a half-cracked smile. They don't close their mouths for reasons i don't understand and they love to have conversations whilst smugly chewing their gum. They enjoy winking while chewing as well as pointing fingers in the shape of a gun, and giving high fives. They are hard to spot while sleeping because everyone knows that it's bad to go to sleep with gum in your mouth.

Back in the 90's, the SGC's were the ones chewing Fruit Stripe Gum (the one with the zebra on the label), and as the 90's progressed, they moved on to greener pastures, AKA, Bubblicious. You're probably wondering how i know Bubblicious chewers were smug. Well, frankly, anyone who could chew that gum for more than 10 seconds and keep a smile on their face, was obviously trying to make people think they were chewing good gum, because we all know that after 10 seconds, that gum tasted like a turd sandwich, which, for those of you who don't know, is a mix between a turd and a PB&J. Little known fact: Most SGC's currently chew Bubblicious‡.

The last thing i'd like to mention is that not only do SGC's look ridiculous, they also remind me of cows chewing their cud. In fact, a tactic i use when dealing with SGC's is one i picked up back in the day (literally, earlier today). I imagine that the SGC is actually a cow and when they talk to me, i imagine a pleasant moo. Not the loud kind, or the kind they make when getting butchered, but the kind they make when they're super relaxed eating grass, or hay, whichever they prefer more. . . . . Ok, that's it. Sleep well tonight, knowing that you have a new tactic in your arsenal against SGC's.


‡Disclaimer: although the majority of SGC's chew Bubblicious, there is still a huge population that don't require said gum. Their smugness isn't based on gum. It's based more on themselves.

4 comments:

Aricka said...

The description of your SGC's was so detailed that I could picture he/she in my head. Nice.

Brent said...

Matt, I am also annoyed by these SGCs as you call them, but I have always called it the cool guy chew (CGC). I think the perfect example is Tom Cruise.

Matthew said...

wow brent, you're totally correct. All the things i envisioned were tom cruise. how could i have missed that? 10 points to you.

Lara said...

I rarely chew gum for the mere fact that I feel like a cow chewing cud when I do and I feel like other gum chewers look like cows. Go with breath mints or other forms of standard oral hygiene. If you feel like you can't go three hours between brushing and chewing a piece of gum, it's because you have halitosis.