Sunday, May 16, 2010

Sun Chips: One of the Many° Downfalls of the "green" Revolution

I would like to personally thank the vegetarians‡ and the other people who started the "green" revolution. You've ruined my life. Thanks.

Back before this ridiculous trend, i used to be happy (debatable). I used to drive my car around, double bag my groceries, and burn drums of oil in my backyard. Now, all of those things have suddenly become taboo. If i try to double bag my groceries, the vegetarians look at me like i just slayed slew slain slewed murdered a tribe of cows. Get over it. I really don't want my bottles to fall out. I care about my things. As i race by all those pretentious prius owners, they accuse me of killing mother earth. Get over it. I personally like to be able to put more than 3 bodies and a backpack in my vehicle.

You might think that i'm not a friend to the environment, but you'd be wrong. I'm all about cutting up the plastic things from six-packs before i throw them in the river, just so they don't miraculously wrap themselves around the ducks and strangle them. You'd be rude not to. But we have to make a stand. And this is where i stand.

I won't allow Sun Chips to create the noisiest, most inconvenient bag on the planet, just so the "green" people can put them in their compost pilesˆ. Have any of you tried to actually have a conversation while touching a Sun Chips bag? You can't. It's impossible. The slightest touch emits the loudest noise imaginable. The touch to noise ratio is off the charts. I generally plan my conversations around eating Sun Chips just because of how loud the bag is.

I guess what i'm getting it is that i just wish the vegetarians/"green" people would crawl back to the tofu roll they came from and let me eat my Sun Chips out of a normal bag. Is that too much to ask? In case you can't figure it out for yourself, no, it's not too much to ask.


°I'm not going to specifically blame vegetarian/"green" people for causing the gas prices to go up, but there is a severely strong correlation between the "green" revolution and gas prices going up. So severe that i'm going to go ahead and blame vegetarian/"green" people for making the gas prices go up. Thanks a lot a-holes, you've ruined America.

‡I lumped vegetarians and "green" people together because statistically, they are usually the same people. I feel they are synonyms for each other and i use them as such.

ˆ[i won't allow Sun Chips to create the noisiest, most inconvenient bag on the planet] = i'm really annoyed by it, but they're really good so i'll continue to purchase them even though the bag bugs me.

6 comments:

Devery said...

Hey now! I actually do agree with a lot of that (ok some of it) but not the vegetarian/green thing! I'm vegetarian and definitely not as 'green' as many people are!

chad said...

So I 100% agree with you in this and if any one in the whole world doest agree whole heartedly they have never eaten sun chips out of the new green bag. But at the same time I have seen you eat those chips and you devour them to the bottom in about half an hour so there for when you buy them just pour them in a grocery bag and throw the biodegratable bag in the river. Just saying, it's a solution.

Lara said...

I've always been a fan of cutting the plastic rings from my 6 packs so they don't strangle ducks and baby dolphins and stuff. And I choose to do that on my own. Most of my other "green" actions are the result of societal guilt. Like buying those reusable bags at the store just so people won't glare at me. And then I always forget them. So when people glare at me in the check out line now, I just say, really loudly so everyone can hear, "Oh, I forgot to bring my bags. They're probably in the back of my Prius full of my recycling. I'm talking the money I get from it to the food bank right after this."

It usually works.

Matthew said...

Devery, have you told your parents you're vegetarian? how did they take it?

Chad, I like the way you think.

Larq, i also like the way you think.

Bloomability said...

Those bags are stupid

MindySue said...

Hey Matt,
Put them in a bowl.
Love,
Mindy