Sunday, May 2, 2010

Tall T's: The Rise of Idiocy

Since the beginning of time, man (and by man, i mean man) has favored functional clothing. He wore the woolly mammoth fur because he just killed a woolly mammoth, which coincidentally had a lot of skin. It's functional. Why not put it to use? Women on the other hand, cut the mammoth fur up to create a stunning, yet uncomfortable cardigan‡. Man was confused as to why she would wear something when it was uncomfortable, but quickly gave up because he realized he would never be able to understand woman.

As time passed, and as technology advanced, man adopted clothing that was more functional, ie: kilt, toga (only a man would create that one), flannel, etc... Fast forward (fill in the blank) years and we arrive today. 2010. There are no flying cars, which is a shame, and there are still no floating cities. Double whammy.

Business men walk around wearing ties (which, to the layperson, double as a short rope or whip). Outdoorsyish men wear the everlasting Carhart pants and a t-shirt. Women continue to wear nonfunctional outfits for the sake of fashion. Recently (probably not that recent) however, women's sense of functionality has rubbed off on men in a couple ways°. Enter the tall t.
The tall t, or tall t-shirt as some people call it, came from the streets of Harlem in the 90's. Since it's creation, it has fostered more nonfunctional styles of clothing for men, than any other style in history.

In general, the tall t is worn with pants that hang out around the knees. So in that sense, it does have a purpose. it's purpose is modesty when wearing immodest pants. That's dumb. That's like a girl wearing super short shorts, but then wearing a dress. DUMB. Anyway, In today's society, the tall t is mostly favored by young white boys, usually skiers and snowboarders. They've become so disillusioned with reality, they truly believe that their outfit serves a purpose (aside from the purpose stated above). Some experts note a strong negative correlation between the increase in disillusionment and GPA, but many critics argue, saying the experts are no smarter than orangutans.

The only hope huMANity has is that, like marriage, certain fashions are discarded after a few years to make way for new ones. Hopefully men see the stupidity of wearing a really long t-shirt and change their ways, before we fall in to the fashion vs. functionality trap that women have been coping with since the beginning of time. To all of you out there suffering, i say good luck.

‡In no way do i claim to be an expert on fashion. I wear the same thing everyday.

°I mentioned "women's sense of functionality has rubbed off on men in a couple ways". The second one was skinny jeans, but since i wear moderately slender jeans and could identify 207 reasons why they are more functional than a normal pair of jeans, i decided to not write about it. I'm biased. Get over it.


C-note said...

You're funny.

MindySue said...

I think this is one of your best posts today...(love the first paragraph!)...though I do take exception to the comment about marriages being discard-able...perhaps you meant that society views them as discard-able.

Curt says that he loves those low-riding pants. It makes the person that much easier to catch should they run from the cops.

MindySue said...

best post TO DATE (not TODAY) - forgive my brain lapse. I was busy figuring out whether I should wear my Hammer Pants or my bell bottoms.

Josh Caple said...

By "moderately slender" do you actually mean "stolen from a 7 year old ethiopian girl's 'too small so mum can give these to the salvation army' pile"?

Of course I'm not complaining, you look fantastic in them big fella!

Matthew said...

yeah right, i bet ethiopian girls don't give pants to the salvation army. . . . . but yeah, that's about the right size.