Friday, July 23, 2010

Near Death Experience: Probably Half as Interesting as What You're Imagining

The following is a near death experience i had today. WARNING: The near death experience is not what you think. It's really not so much a near death experience, as it is a near inconvenient experience.

After leaving my cellular telephone on the counter, and putting some noodles on the stove, i walked into the bathroom so i could go to the bathroom. Because that's what you do in the bathroom. Anyway, When i shut the door, the doorknob came off in my hand. Usually, it wouldn't be that bad because the important part of the doorknob would be on the inside, but unfortunately, it was on the other side. I know this because when i looked down, it wasn't attached to the doorknob in my hand. My day flashed before my eyes. Not going to lie. Kind of a sad, boring day. Ug.

My first instinct was to cry, so i did, for quite a long time.
My second instinct was to use the toilet, since that was the reason i went in there in the first place.
My third instinct was to try and escape out the window. This didn't work out well because a) there was a special plexiglass covering over the window (not even sure why) and b) even if i could get the plexiglass off, there was a bush blocking my way.
My fourth instinct was to give up and kill myself, which i'll admit, i tried, but if you've ever tried to hang yourself with the shower curtain, you'll know that it's not only difficult, but it's not fun in the least.
My fifth instinct was to shout for help, but nobody was home.
My sixth instinct was to break the door down. This didn't work because i didn't even try.
My seventh instinct was to try and open it with odds-and-ends i found around the bathroom, such as shower curtain hangers, toothbrushes, etc...
My eighth instinct was to wait until someone came home, which i would have done, except i had noodles on the stove.
My ninth instinct was to try the fourth one again, which still didn't work.
My tenth and final instinct was to give my third instinct another legitimate shot and bail out the window, which i did. After i stealthfully ripped the plexiglass off the wall, i crawled out the window and through the bush, like a baby escaping from the womb. Double entendre. Zing.

After escaping inconvenience, i quickly took the noodles off the stove, put the doorknob back exactly how it was so that i could share my experience with others, and reflected on what just happened. I realized that it's all about sharing. Sharing is good.

Tuesday, July 20, 2010

Digital Vandalism: Can it be Stopped?

A disease is spreading through the interweb and it must be stopped. It's a digital form of herpes and it's putting a serious damper on things. This DVD (digital venereal disease) is fueled by twitter and facebook (i'd say myspace, but i'm not actually sure people still use that. I'll look into it. [UPDATE: I have a new myspace account!!!!!]). Are you curious? Have i piqued your interest? Not yet? Carp (that's right, carp). Um. . . . . It's sucking the life out of innocent people. Anyone can fall into its trap. No one is safe. Ok, that's enough.

I'm talking about this:

"When i fall asleep, i dream of waking up, if only to spend a few minutes with my wonderful husband before he rushes off to work to support our darling little family‡. oh how i miss his dedicated soul and handsome face"

What. the. french.

I don't know this girl/monster. I had a friend copy it and show it to me. I spent about 5 minutes punch dancing, passed out, woke up, puked in my mouth (just a little), brushed my teeth, then decided that i, matthew irving, am going to be a hero and stop this epidemic before it gets out of hand. Similar to what i did for the H1N1 virus.

I'm going to use my monopoly on the internet and get the word out. This digital vandalism has to stop. I understand love is a powerful thing. I think i felt it once or twice. It was pleasant. I might have even written a poem or two or three or four or five, but i never, NEVER posted it so that everyone else could see just how smitten i was.

It's no different than carving your names in an aspen tree. it's both inappropriate and idiotic. Similar to making out in church (mike).

Could this stem from jealousy? Yes. Very easily, but it still doesn't make it right. Just because, in a jealous rage, i point out gross errors in social behavior, doesn't make it wrong. In fact, it only makes it more right. Here are 4 ways to stop digital vandalism.

1. Ask politely - "could you please stop writing that crap. It's disgusting and no one wants to read it. Seriously. Quit it. You're only making yourself look like an idiot."

2. Delete Facebook Friendship - Fire a warning shot across their bow by deleting them from your internet life.

3. Vandalize House - Normally i don't condone vandalism, but i'd say given the circumstance, spray painting vulgar words on their house, or digging holes in their lawn would be appropriate.

4. Destroy Internet - It seems excessive and it is, but if needs be, destroying the internet completely would be a worthwhile tactic.

This might be crossing the line, so i won't technically say it, but if all else fails, you could do some subtraction if you get my drift. If you need help with your word math, ask me and i'll help.

Anyway, that's it. It's disgusting. it's inappropriate. And it's a good way to lose friends. Or at least have them talk bad about you behind your back. Similar to what happens when women get together (gossip time!!!!!). To those brave souls that have endured such disgusting posts, press on, for there is hope that one day, people will be considerate. maybe.

‡ She doesn't have kids. It's just her and her husband, so this imaginary "family" is a load of crap. Ok, i take that back. I would consider a husband and wife a family, but the way she worded it is deceiving.

Saturday, July 17, 2010

Driving: A How-to Guide on Road Rage

I am a good driver°. Better than most‡. With countless hours of training under my belt*. I've recovered from being sideways on the interstate going 75mps (that's right, miles per second) in an ice storm in New Hampshire (granted i probably shouldn't have been going 75 in an ice storm, but whatever. eat it. i'm the man). I've nailed some very difficult parallel parks, as well as some even more difficult perpendicular ones. I also hold the downhill land speed record for the 1988 Honda Cervix.

Anyway. . . Recently i've noticed that despite being an excellent driver, my brain has started detaching when i drive. Usually i'll put it on the dash so it can at least be in the vicinity, but the last couple times, i've put it in the back with my running shoes. The effects of this are pretty simple. My eyes glaze over and I drive really really slow, like my dad used to do when i was little, although now there aren't stuck up little teens (me and my brothers) yelling at the driver to drive faster. I'm not going to lie to you. It's kind of awesome. You don't even have to think. Doing 5-10 under the speed limit allows you to think about and do other more important things while you drive, such as text message, eat a handburger, eat a hamburger, read a book, play the violin (i've actually seen that one), trim your mustache, trim your passenger's mustache, play world of warcraft, etc... And there is a bonus. It drives people crazy, which leads me to my next tangent.

The following is a list of 11 things you can do that will guarantee you will get strangled at a traffic light at least once a week:
1. Drive slower than the speed limit, especially in town.
2. If there are no cars at the traffic light and you are stopped, make sure that you get in the far right lane. That way, if someone wants to turn right, they can't because you're in the way.
3. Leave your turn signal on.
4. If forced to merge due to construction, drive as fast as you can up the right so you can get as far out in front of everyone as possible, then force your way into the line. This works a lot better if you drive a big lifted truck with truck nutz.
5. Stare at people as you drive by. Don't just glance. Full on stare. For some reason, this causes people to become quite upset.
6. Be either a teenager, or an elderly person. Both get basically the same verbal response but only one gets strangled (zach ward).
7. Honk your horn. Apparently, if you honk your horn, that's code for "i want to get strangled".
8. Don't allow people to merge at anytime (interstate, construction, police, etc...)
9. Peel out every time you accelerate.
10. Yell obscenities, or even vague derivatives of obscenities.
11. Have California or Utah license plates.

There you have it. A how-to guide to getting strangled while driving. Have fun, and good luck.

°NOTE: Not a good driver.

‡NOTE: Most babies.

*NOTE: All my good driving skills have come from bad driving skills early on in my driving career. Getting all 4 tires off the ground was common, as well as abandoning my car in the foothills above my town, sometimes for days, due to being stuck in mud/snow. Driving off of cornices (that only happened once and actually was the main cause for one of the abandonments of my vehicle). Driving through canals. Dodging elk going 110 in a 1988 Honda Civic hatchback at 2 in the morning in the middle of Nevada (see above land speed record). Running over peoples feet (on "purpose"). The list goes on and on, but some of my escapades should remain within the group of people that were lucky enough to be a part of it (aka: the window incident).

Tuesday, July 13, 2010

Squozen: A Fake Word That I Accidently Used.

I used the fake word "squozen" today. . . on accident. Crap, you can't even spell it to look good. It looks like a word turd, just sitting there. ug. it's so ugly. I was talking about chainsaw triggers and how squeezing them too hard is inefficient and i used that word. I can't remember the exact sentence but i'm sure i could make one up that is similar enough to what i word vomited. Here's what i came up with. . . . . . . . . . . . . . Nevermind. I can't do it.

Ever since i turned 26, i feel like not only my brain, but my body has turned against me. I used to be able to climb for hours and feel great the next day. I could take a 20 foot backslap and feel fine. Now, i climb for an hour and my body hurts. I have to warm up extensively before i climb, otherwise my body feels like it's going to break in half. My brain is failing me as well. FMB. Not only did i use the word "squozen", earlier in the day i was trying to describe being concise, but i couldn't think of the word and it took me at least two sentences. When i was finished with my annoying novella, someone piped up with the word that i was looking for, but it was too late. I did however immediately see the irony in the situation and i was definitely the first one to laugh about it, so i guess maybe i'm not as crazy as i thought i was.

On the other hand, i'm just breaking into my old man strength. I can't run fast anymore, but i feel like i could run forever, which is a good thing, especially if i have to outrun a slow moving cougar, bear, or zombie, which hopefully will happen in the near future. I look forward to the race.

PS, i have found grey hairs in my mustache and i think i look quite distinguished.

Sunday, July 4, 2010

Why i am Single: A Tale of Awesomeness and Idiocy

It's weird that i'm 26 and i'm still single. Yes, i have a couple kids, but frankly, i've never met them, so i keep them in the back of my conscious. I guess it's not weird that i'm 26 and single. I've started to look at the data and i fully realize why i'm 26 and why i'm still single. I'm 26 because my good mother gave birth to be a little over 26 years ago, and i'm single because apparently i'm an "a$$hole" (sorry mom, i'm just quoting someone. Well, actually, i'm not really quoting them, because i put the money sign instead of the s, but i feel like anyone with half a brain will be able to put the word together. . . . . . .It's basically a quote. . . . . . . . . . . Anyway.)

I was perusing through some old emails that i wrote and i stumbled upon this little nugget of gold. It's an excerpt from me, to a former girlfriend who was in a different part of the world at the time. You can make guesses as to who it is, but i'll never tell. . . . . . . Crystallynn. Crap. I can't keep secrets. Anyway. She's doing well now, happily married, so i don't feel bad. Besides, if anything, she should receive an award for putting up with my idiocy for however long she put up with it. Anyway, here's the excerpt.

"I think of you as my girlfriend, but we're just on a break until you get back. I don't know why it's easier, but it just is. Maybe it's easier because i feel i don't have to write you all the time and what not. That sounded bad, but i'm going to leave it. You're probably thinking that it shouldn't be a hassle to call you and talk to you, and i should want to call and write you, but it kind of is."

Stunned silence. . . Ug. It's funny looking back on it, until i realized that i probably am fully capable of writing almost the exact same thing right now.

This isn't the only time that i've done something like this. I then went on to end a conversation with her because i was in the middle of watching alien vs. predator: requiem. She was calling me from india, and i got off the phone because i didn't want to miss out on what turned out to be the 3rd worst movie of all time.

In another situation, i "broke up" with a different girl (i put it in quotes because we weren't dating, so i don't know what the big deal was) and asked her for my beaver brand honey mustard back (she had it in a cooler because we went climbing and i purchased all the food for the trip). To be fair, it was beaver brand honey mustard, which is really good, plus i told her she could have the orange juice that i left in the cooler. I just wanted the mustard back. It's good mustard. ug. ug. ug.

This all stems from the other day when i was told that i make girls sick to their stomach and not in a good way. I was also told that i'm a very hard person to understand, which isn't so bad. Mysterious is cool, but it was followed with "i've been going on dates with other guys and they're really easy to get along with. We (the other guys) just have fun." I don't know when this transformation occurred or if it was a transformation at all. Maybe i've always been like this. I guess i've never been fully aware of what i say or how i appear to other people, which is probably part of the reason i have a mustache right now which is probably part of the reason why i'm single. Correlation doesn't equal causation.

Anyway, will this post ensure me being single for a lot longer? Maybe, but i'd say that job is taken by my tactless open personality. I guess honesty isn't valued like is used to be, which is too bad because the world could use a few more open and honest people.