Tuesday, July 20, 2010

Digital Vandalism: Can it be Stopped?

A disease is spreading through the interweb and it must be stopped. It's a digital form of herpes and it's putting a serious damper on things. This DVD (digital venereal disease) is fueled by twitter and facebook (i'd say myspace, but i'm not actually sure people still use that. I'll look into it. [UPDATE: I have a new myspace account!!!!!]). Are you curious? Have i piqued your interest? Not yet? Carp (that's right, carp). Um. . . . . It's sucking the life out of innocent people. Anyone can fall into its trap. No one is safe. Ok, that's enough.

I'm talking about this:

"When i fall asleep, i dream of waking up, if only to spend a few minutes with my wonderful husband before he rushes off to work to support our darling little family‡. oh how i miss his dedicated soul and handsome face"

What. the. french.

I don't know this girl/monster. I had a friend copy it and show it to me. I spent about 5 minutes punch dancing, passed out, woke up, puked in my mouth (just a little), brushed my teeth, then decided that i, matthew irving, am going to be a hero and stop this epidemic before it gets out of hand. Similar to what i did for the H1N1 virus.

I'm going to use my monopoly on the internet and get the word out. This digital vandalism has to stop. I understand love is a powerful thing. I think i felt it once or twice. It was pleasant. I might have even written a poem or two or three or four or five, but i never, NEVER posted it so that everyone else could see just how smitten i was.

It's no different than carving your names in an aspen tree. it's both inappropriate and idiotic. Similar to making out in church (mike).

Could this stem from jealousy? Yes. Very easily, but it still doesn't make it right. Just because, in a jealous rage, i point out gross errors in social behavior, doesn't make it wrong. In fact, it only makes it more right. Here are 4 ways to stop digital vandalism.

1. Ask politely - "could you please stop writing that crap. It's disgusting and no one wants to read it. Seriously. Quit it. You're only making yourself look like an idiot."

2. Delete Facebook Friendship - Fire a warning shot across their bow by deleting them from your internet life.

3. Vandalize House - Normally i don't condone vandalism, but i'd say given the circumstance, spray painting vulgar words on their house, or digging holes in their lawn would be appropriate.

4. Destroy Internet - It seems excessive and it is, but if needs be, destroying the internet completely would be a worthwhile tactic.

This might be crossing the line, so i won't technically say it, but if all else fails, you could do some subtraction if you get my drift. If you need help with your word math, ask me and i'll help.

Anyway, that's it. It's disgusting. it's inappropriate. And it's a good way to lose friends. Or at least have them talk bad about you behind your back. Similar to what happens when women get together (gossip time!!!!!). To those brave souls that have endured such disgusting posts, press on, for there is hope that one day, people will be considerate. maybe.

‡ She doesn't have kids. It's just her and her husband, so this imaginary "family" is a load of crap. Ok, i take that back. I would consider a husband and wife a family, but the way she worded it is deceiving.


MindySue said...

BWAAHAHAHAHAHAAHAH! Love it. LOVE it. However, I don't understand your word math/subtraction reference. Perhaps you should email me?

PS. Can I still talk about my kids?

Courtney said...

So TRUE. I post comments like the one you quoted on my mom's account all the time just because she is so anti facebook pda. So I guess I'm technically spreading the disease!! Oops.