Saturday, July 17, 2010

Driving: A How-to Guide on Road Rage

I am a good driver°. Better than most‡. With countless hours of training under my belt*. I've recovered from being sideways on the interstate going 75mps (that's right, miles per second) in an ice storm in New Hampshire (granted i probably shouldn't have been going 75 in an ice storm, but whatever. eat it. i'm the man). I've nailed some very difficult parallel parks, as well as some even more difficult perpendicular ones. I also hold the downhill land speed record for the 1988 Honda Cervix.

Anyway. . . Recently i've noticed that despite being an excellent driver, my brain has started detaching when i drive. Usually i'll put it on the dash so it can at least be in the vicinity, but the last couple times, i've put it in the back with my running shoes. The effects of this are pretty simple. My eyes glaze over and I drive really really slow, like my dad used to do when i was little, although now there aren't stuck up little teens (me and my brothers) yelling at the driver to drive faster. I'm not going to lie to you. It's kind of awesome. You don't even have to think. Doing 5-10 under the speed limit allows you to think about and do other more important things while you drive, such as text message, eat a handburger, eat a hamburger, read a book, play the violin (i've actually seen that one), trim your mustache, trim your passenger's mustache, play world of warcraft, etc... And there is a bonus. It drives people crazy, which leads me to my next tangent.

The following is a list of 11 things you can do that will guarantee you will get strangled at a traffic light at least once a week:
1. Drive slower than the speed limit, especially in town.
2. If there are no cars at the traffic light and you are stopped, make sure that you get in the far right lane. That way, if someone wants to turn right, they can't because you're in the way.
3. Leave your turn signal on.
4. If forced to merge due to construction, drive as fast as you can up the right so you can get as far out in front of everyone as possible, then force your way into the line. This works a lot better if you drive a big lifted truck with truck nutz.
5. Stare at people as you drive by. Don't just glance. Full on stare. For some reason, this causes people to become quite upset.
6. Be either a teenager, or an elderly person. Both get basically the same verbal response but only one gets strangled (zach ward).
7. Honk your horn. Apparently, if you honk your horn, that's code for "i want to get strangled".
8. Don't allow people to merge at anytime (interstate, construction, police, etc...)
9. Peel out every time you accelerate.
10. Yell obscenities, or even vague derivatives of obscenities.
11. Have California or Utah license plates.

There you have it. A how-to guide to getting strangled while driving. Have fun, and good luck.

°NOTE: Not a good driver.

‡NOTE: Most babies.

*NOTE: All my good driving skills have come from bad driving skills early on in my driving career. Getting all 4 tires off the ground was common, as well as abandoning my car in the foothills above my town, sometimes for days, due to being stuck in mud/snow. Driving off of cornices (that only happened once and actually was the main cause for one of the abandonments of my vehicle). Driving through canals. Dodging elk going 110 in a 1988 Honda Civic hatchback at 2 in the morning in the middle of Nevada (see above land speed record). Running over peoples feet (on "purpose"). The list goes on and on, but some of my escapades should remain within the group of people that were lucky enough to be a part of it (aka: the window incident).


MindySue said...

Thanks for the tips, but you forgot one...
#11 - (When you have two lanes to play with) If you see someone changing lanes erratically behind you, make sure you pull up next to another car and pace them so the impatient driver behind you can't get by. Everyone once in a while pull a little bit ahead, but not enough to let them pass. Then drop back and pull a little bit behind, but not enough to let them pass. Watch their eyes bug out, in your rear view mirror, as they try to gauge which It's super fun. Make sure you let them see you laughing hysterically.

MindySue said...

(Clarification) Make sure you wait till they get in your lane before you drop back and make sure you wait until they are in the other lane to pull forward.

merk said...

i do that all the time... it brings me great satisfaction.