Friday, July 23, 2010

Near Death Experience: Probably Half as Interesting as What You're Imagining

The following is a near death experience i had today. WARNING: The near death experience is not what you think. It's really not so much a near death experience, as it is a near inconvenient experience.

After leaving my cellular telephone on the counter, and putting some noodles on the stove, i walked into the bathroom so i could go to the bathroom. Because that's what you do in the bathroom. Anyway, When i shut the door, the doorknob came off in my hand. Usually, it wouldn't be that bad because the important part of the doorknob would be on the inside, but unfortunately, it was on the other side. I know this because when i looked down, it wasn't attached to the doorknob in my hand. My day flashed before my eyes. Not going to lie. Kind of a sad, boring day. Ug.

My first instinct was to cry, so i did, for quite a long time.
My second instinct was to use the toilet, since that was the reason i went in there in the first place.
My third instinct was to try and escape out the window. This didn't work out well because a) there was a special plexiglass covering over the window (not even sure why) and b) even if i could get the plexiglass off, there was a bush blocking my way.
My fourth instinct was to give up and kill myself, which i'll admit, i tried, but if you've ever tried to hang yourself with the shower curtain, you'll know that it's not only difficult, but it's not fun in the least.
My fifth instinct was to shout for help, but nobody was home.
My sixth instinct was to break the door down. This didn't work because i didn't even try.
My seventh instinct was to try and open it with odds-and-ends i found around the bathroom, such as shower curtain hangers, toothbrushes, etc...
My eighth instinct was to wait until someone came home, which i would have done, except i had noodles on the stove.
My ninth instinct was to try the fourth one again, which still didn't work.
My tenth and final instinct was to give my third instinct another legitimate shot and bail out the window, which i did. After i stealthfully ripped the plexiglass off the wall, i crawled out the window and through the bush, like a baby escaping from the womb. Double entendre. Zing.

After escaping inconvenience, i quickly took the noodles off the stove, put the doorknob back exactly how it was so that i could share my experience with others, and reflected on what just happened. I realized that it's all about sharing. Sharing is good.


MindySue said...

loved your double entendre. Very clever. I'm curious. Did you think of that and then write the entire post around it. If so, bravo.

merk said...

i accidentally broke a chair in one of my lecture classes last year. luckily no one saw despite the chair being in the front row. after a quick examination i found the chair had probably been broken for quite some time, just some jerk hazardously rigged the seat to break on anyone who touched it. admitting to my self that i'd been served, i looked around, and re-rigged the seat.

matt, i appreciate that we both appreciate the same humor.

looking from another point of view. last year i also found Road Closed signs on campus. I took them and moved them to a more appropriate location.. a one way street. before i knew it i had cars backing down the one-way until oncoming cars stopped their retreat. around this time someone was finally smart enough to move the sign off to the side of the road. at first i was a sad my joke had come to an end, but once all the cars had passed the man replaced the sign, further perpetuating my joke. i don't think he knew what was going on... but it didn't matter, because i was happy.