Sunday, July 4, 2010

Why i am Single: A Tale of Awesomeness and Idiocy

It's weird that i'm 26 and i'm still single. Yes, i have a couple kids, but frankly, i've never met them, so i keep them in the back of my conscious. I guess it's not weird that i'm 26 and single. I've started to look at the data and i fully realize why i'm 26 and why i'm still single. I'm 26 because my good mother gave birth to be a little over 26 years ago, and i'm single because apparently i'm an "a$$hole" (sorry mom, i'm just quoting someone. Well, actually, i'm not really quoting them, because i put the money sign instead of the s, but i feel like anyone with half a brain will be able to put the word together. . . . . . .It's basically a quote. . . . . . . . . . . Anyway.)

I was perusing through some old emails that i wrote and i stumbled upon this little nugget of gold. It's an excerpt from me, to a former girlfriend who was in a different part of the world at the time. You can make guesses as to who it is, but i'll never tell. . . . . . . Crystallynn. Crap. I can't keep secrets. Anyway. She's doing well now, happily married, so i don't feel bad. Besides, if anything, she should receive an award for putting up with my idiocy for however long she put up with it. Anyway, here's the excerpt.

"I think of you as my girlfriend, but we're just on a break until you get back. I don't know why it's easier, but it just is. Maybe it's easier because i feel i don't have to write you all the time and what not. That sounded bad, but i'm going to leave it. You're probably thinking that it shouldn't be a hassle to call you and talk to you, and i should want to call and write you, but it kind of is."

Stunned silence. . . Ug. It's funny looking back on it, until i realized that i probably am fully capable of writing almost the exact same thing right now.

This isn't the only time that i've done something like this. I then went on to end a conversation with her because i was in the middle of watching alien vs. predator: requiem. She was calling me from india, and i got off the phone because i didn't want to miss out on what turned out to be the 3rd worst movie of all time.

In another situation, i "broke up" with a different girl (i put it in quotes because we weren't dating, so i don't know what the big deal was) and asked her for my beaver brand honey mustard back (she had it in a cooler because we went climbing and i purchased all the food for the trip). To be fair, it was beaver brand honey mustard, which is really good, plus i told her she could have the orange juice that i left in the cooler. I just wanted the mustard back. It's good mustard. ug. ug. ug.

This all stems from the other day when i was told that i make girls sick to their stomach and not in a good way. I was also told that i'm a very hard person to understand, which isn't so bad. Mysterious is cool, but it was followed with "i've been going on dates with other guys and they're really easy to get along with. We (the other guys) just have fun." I don't know when this transformation occurred or if it was a transformation at all. Maybe i've always been like this. I guess i've never been fully aware of what i say or how i appear to other people, which is probably part of the reason i have a mustache right now which is probably part of the reason why i'm single. Correlation doesn't equal causation.

Anyway, will this post ensure me being single for a lot longer? Maybe, but i'd say that job is taken by my tactless open personality. I guess honesty isn't valued like is used to be, which is too bad because the world could use a few more open and honest people.


Anonymous said...

Your right. More people need to be more open and honest. Social filters are over rated. I feel like that could be the cause for so much of my social frustration... I guess I have lost a few friends for being too honest...for example a friend loaned me a mattress for a house guest to stay on. We decided to buy a bed and so we needed to return the borrowed mattress. They never answered the phone or returned calls so I just dropped off the mattress on their porch... oops. They were not happy and I told them that they never answered there phone and it made it impossible to contact them. That friend is history. So much for being honest!
-anonymous social idiot

Anonymous said...

All I can say is that the 70s porn-star mustache could be considered a deal breaker. Just saying.

Jacob said...

if i was single i would date you, even if you are a d-bag

Brent said...

I guess the world just isn't ready for Matt Irving, or maybe you just need to get out of the inter-mountain west. There are parts of the world where a '70s style porn star mustache is considered a deal maker.

Anonymous said...

sounds like someone was just being honest with you, though they forgot to mention your general disregard for tact.... :)

kenny said...

good read Matt made me laugh.... though not at you and your obvious frustration :)


Lara said...

Ah, you are (or were) the cute boy next door and super talented. And totally mysterious and hard to catch. You're the "boy who got away" for a few girls I know. :) Enjoy it. You have the rest of your life to be changed by your wife. :)

Aricka said...

Your wife will appreciate how you are. Which I don't really know who that is, but from what you wrote on your post, you're not bad, you're just honest. Try to avoid the emotional wrecks.