Sunday, August 15, 2010

Baby Names: A How-to Guide to Creating Unique Baby Names


I, Matthew Irving, fully acknowledge that some of my readers have babies with unique names and i state that i am not trying to specifically offend any of you. That would take forever. I'm offending all of you at one time.

*End of Disclaimer*

Since technically i'm not a father, i don't really understand what goes in to naming a baby. I'm pretty sure some people like to name them after relatives. Some people like to name them after in/famous people (Adolf Hitler Campbell‡). Some people like to name them after fruits. And some people like to bastardize all of the above in order to create a "unique" name for their baby.

Personally, I'm a big fan of naming babies after relatives. It's easy and efficient. Your family will be psyched and generally, it's a win-win for everyone, unless you were pressured into naming a baby after a relative you a) didn't like, or b) thought had a stupid name. One issue is that after a while, everyone would be named the same thing, which would be very confusing.

When people name their kids after famous people, it screams idiocy, just like using the word done, when you should have used finished (cake is done, people are finished). I would definitely ridicule a person who named their kid michael because they thought michael jackson/jordan/landon/the arch angel/buble/vick/fox/etc... was a stand up character. Come on, vick killed dogs, jordan was a habitual gambler, and the arch angel was a wussy.

The one that gets me the most is when parents takes a normal name, like mike, and think that instead of making that child feel unique throughout their whole life, they'll just spell it myke and call it good. Why put a 'y' when it could be an 'i'? For the same reason you spell it daisy, instead of daizee. You want your child to grow up and not be a stripper.

Naming your child after anything that you eat or wear is also a great way to have your child not succeed, or at least a great way to get his/her teeth knocked out later on in life. "hey apple, think fast [as child throws a rock filled snowball at apple's face]. Also, naming a child after a genocidal maniac isn't a good idea. As cool as it would be to have a child named adolf, it was kind of ruined a while ago. Thanks a lot Hitler. You should probably also stay away from anything to deal with the prince of darkness, ie. lucifer, stan, satan, tim, son of the morning, andrew farrer, etc...

Ok, let's be honest, "celebrities" and people who like to mimic "celebrities" are the worst (or best, however you look at it) at naming their kids with idiotic names/spellings. Why is that? I'll tell you why. Because they feel like they're so effing special. When they give birth, they don't give birth to a baby. They give birth to a golden baby, and why would you ever name a golden baby with a normal name? That would be insane.

So, the bottom line is instead of forcing your baby to have a dumb/unique name, give them a normal name and treat them as if they are unique. Even if they aren't, you could at least pretend. If all else fails, name them matt because my name is awesome.

P.S. Only pretentious people keep naming their kids after themselves. If you're a IV or V, just stop.
P.P.S. If your name is similar to what is mentioned above, your parents hated you.

‡While i generally feel that fox news is run by a bunch of morons, this was the first article that wasn't technically a blog, even though most of their "news" is opinion.


MindySue said...

Golden baby?!?!!? Bwaahahahaha! Love it. That made me blow a snot bubble. Thanks.

Altius directory said...

you can find a numerous of baby names in the below list... check it..

Baby Names and Meanings

Hayley Jo Reese said...

Hahaha I loved reading this. I am going to read it again tomorrow. Lovely.

MindySue said...

Congratulations Matt, you've offically been spammed.

Taren said...

Thank you. Someone had to say it. It's the "unique" spelling that bothers me most. WHY ARE YOU DOING THAT TO YOUR CHILD?