Tuesday, August 31, 2010

Slim T's: How to Look Skinny but Still Retain Your Fatness

First, i'd like to apologize to all my fan out there. It's been a while, but i have a good excuse. I dislike writing. That, and i've been battling wildfires.

While i was battling blazes, i came across this little gem. The Slim T. Go ahead. Click on the link. you only need to see it briefly to understand what i'm getting at. In a shotgun shell (instead of nutshell because it's slightly bigger), the Slim T is a device that you (men) wear if you (men) are fat, but don't want to look fat. This is entirely understandable.

Scenario: Overweight man says to himself, "I don't want to look fat anymore, but i really hate doing things, what should i do?" Slim T commercial comes on. Overweight man's jaw drops. "Holy canola oil, i need to get a couple of these". Overweight man buys a couple. Overweight man gets them in the mail. Overweight man tries them on. Overweight man looks slim[mer]. Overweight man is still overweight.

I looked over the website a little bit more and saw a couple good things about the Slim T.

1. They come in packs of 3. Prime numbers are always cool.
2. They give you a six pack (not 6 shirts, 6 fake abdominal muscles) without working out. Six packs are always cool. Especially if they're not real, like calf implants.

Six packs and prime numbers aside, this is definitely on my top ten stupidest ideas off all time, just below engagement rings (next blog post) and serial cereal mixers (next next blog post).

i'd definitely like to see some flesh colored tanks, and not just for caucasians, but for all different colors. I mean, if you're going to have an idiotic device that makes you look good, at least try to conceal it.

One last thought (which was brought up at my nightly round table of negative things) is that if this device makes you look better and helps you get a girlfriend, at some point, you're going to have to disclose your secret (i love secrets), otherwise you might end up with some awkward/awesome moments. I'm pretty sure that moment might play out like this. . .

Man: Listen, i have to tell you something.
Woman: Hey, did you pick up the milk from the grocery store? I asked you to pick up the milk from the grocery store.
Man: Um, i forgot. . . . So there's someth
Woman: How many times do i have to ask you to pick up milk?
Man: Sorry, i'll go run to the store and get some.
Woman: It's too late now. I was going to make crepes, but i guess you'll just have to go without.
Man: Yeah, about 'going without', i've actually been wearing thi
Woman: Is that a stain on your clothes? You know, you really need to keep better care of your things. People are going to think you're a slob. You know what, now that i mentioned it, you (at this point, she starts to sound like the teacher on charlie brown)
Man: I'm going to get milk.
fade to black.

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