Wednesday, August 4, 2010

Teenagers: Does the World Knead Them?

To make a long answer short, both ways of looking at that question are no.

Unfortunately, or fortunately (depending on if you actually like reading my stuff), i'm going to have to go into a little bit more of an explanation because it would really bug me if my blog post was so short. Ok. breathe deep. . . . . . . . ug.

I went to taco bell today (don't judge) for dinner because i couldn't decide what i wanted to eat and i blah blah blah excuses excuses excuses. . . .i liked every bit of it, so suck eggs. Anyway, my roommate and i were waiting in line, when the most annoying sound in the world started resonating in my ears. It was the sound of teenagers being complete morons. It started a nervous tick that i've never had before and it was strangely similar to what i would imagine punching one in the face would be. satisfying.

As i sat there, trying to enjoy my cheesy gordita crunch, they just kept talking and laughing and i kept getting in a worse and worse mood. It's not that what they were saying was annoying (it was). It's not that they were loud (they were). It's not even that their smug mugs were begging to be punched out like the time mike tyson punched that guy, then bit his ear off (they were). It's the fact that, simply put, i hate teenagers. Similar to how libertarians‡ hate obama. Oh no, universal healthcare, waaaa waaaa waaaa (should be reading that as if a baby were crying). Get over it.

Another thing kind of goes along with the literal meaning of the title. Knead. The world tries to knead them, mold them, shape them, turn them into meaningful people that contribute, but it seems that at every turn, they are there to resist. Not only do they resist, they are in open rebellion. These little bastards defy you at every level and it's not through any fault of their own. It's because their brain hasn't fully developed. They technically suffer from minor retardation, which would explain a lot of the crap i did when i was younger (the shrink wrap incident).

My parents are either laughing in irony, or mad because i wrote bastards, but either way, i feel that teenagers are on par with a turd sandwich. I'd like to neither see them, hear them, nor smell them. I definitely wouldn't want to share a bench with them and i definitely definitely wouldn't like to find them in the bottom of my lunchbox.

You're probably thinking, "matt, you were probably a terrible teenager" and you would be correct. If i could go back in time, i'd set things straight, but i can't, so let's just move on. Here's a little story from my childhood:

One time, my younger brother was head-butted at a jack-in-the-box by a drunk. I was there and didn't do a thing. He thought that it was because i hated him and it wasn't, it was simply because a) i didn't want to get head-butted in my face. And b) he was a teenager so i figured he probably deserved it.

Ug. this post puts me in a bad mood.

‡I actually had an adolf vs. Jews joke, but i'm not sure if i'm funny enough, or Jewish enough to pull that off. . . . yet. Give me time. It will happen. The Jewish part probably before the funny part.


MindySue said...

Okay, a few things. I agree w/ you. The most irritating thing in the world to me is the loud-mouthed, oh-look-at-me-see-how-cool-I-am, idiotic attitude of your average teenage girl. Every time I'm stuck near a crowd of them I want to died because I know that in a few years I will have three of my very own. AUGH. Terror.

Second, K.N.E.A.D. Was the misspell intentional?

Third, Mark got head-butted by a drunk? I must hear this story. Please share!

MindySue said...

Oh, and was Mark a teenager when this incident occurred, because if so, perhaps this drunk was simply sick and tired of his teenage antics and didn't quite have the steely self-control that you are blessed with.

Nichole said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
Nichole said...

Oh the serious irony. Let me tell you about an annoying little teenager I once knew, he put a cooler in my garage one day (knowing full well what was inside). The mini cooler had been sitting in the sun for about four months. Inside the cooler was what remained of a lunch, it was now moldy, liquefied, vomit worthy goo. You placed it ever so precariously on the garage shelf, as I reached for it the cooler tipped and out spilled the rank liquid. The smell still haunts me. And you wonder why I hated you?

Jill said...

Okay this post made me laugh out loud several times and i totally agree with you on the teenager thing. I DESPISE them. I also would have loved to see that head-butting AND i also remember that smell, it was very very foul.

merk said...

we both know that i did nothing to deserve being head-butted... and laughing when the police showed up to investigate didn't help them to believe me.