Tuesday, September 28, 2010

Colors: What the Eff.

Colors. They're dumb. I guess, not so much colors, but the absence of using a color or anything that looks like a color to describe a color. Confused? So am i. I read and rewrote that last sentence second to last third to last sentence at least 7 times before i felt good about it. Ok. i'll stop.

What prompted this confusing rant? I'll tell you. Skinny Jeans.

So i was on amazon, i don't know if you've heard of it, it's this website where you can buy things, anyway, i was on amazon looking for skinny jeans since i turned all mine into skinny jean shorts for the summer and i noticed something that made me feel not good.

None of the names of colors describing the color of jean had anything to do with color. Not even remotely. I bought a pair of "hitchhiker" colored jeans. Hitchhiker. What color is that? (prepare for a somewhat mildly bigoty comment) I would guess somewhat of a dirty white color, but it turns out it's kind of a tannish.

I know what you're thinking. Matt, there is a picture right in front of you. You know what color they're talking about without even reading what color it is. Wrong. I was in a hurry to buy pants so i purchased without really even looking at the color. I know what you're thinking. Matt, that seems like a really impulsive thing and it's 100% your fault. Wrong. . . . . I got nothing.

Anyway, i'm just wondering what happened to brown or light brown or tan or light brownish tannish?

Hitchhiker. i don't get it.

Sunday, September 19, 2010

Ketchup Packets: You Know the Ones You Get at Fast Food Restaurants. Yeah. Those. They Suck.

"I ketchup all meats"

That's a quote from someone i know who shall remain nameless. . . . ben belisle. Obviously, ketchup is now a verb. "Hey, could you pass the ketchup so i can ketchup my food. It really needs a good ketchupping."

Anyway, what i'm driving at is how much people love ketchup. They put it on everything. EVERYTHING. So riddle me this. Why are the ketchup packets you get at fast food restaurants so effing tiny?

In America. Everything is big. The people are big. The soda is big. The cars are big. The debt is big. etc... So why are we still getting these little frenchy sized packets of ketchup. You end up using 17 packets just to eat your freedom fries. And that's just your freedom fries! You still have to ketchup your handburger (yes, i know i spelled it like that. think about it). You still have to ketchup your diet dr. pepper w/lime. You still have to ketchup your mcflurry. You still have to ketchup your two other handburgers. You still have to ketchup your freedom toast. I mean, come on. By the time you're finished ketchupping everything, you'll have gone through, i'm guesstimating, well over a hundred packets.

side note: did you know guesstimating is a word. when i wrote it out, i thought it was going to correct me, but it didn't which led to me looking it up. They have it in the dictionaryish thing that i looked at. I'd give it a couple more years before ketchupping is in it.

What bugs me the most, and i'm using mcdonalds as an example, is that their (mcdonalds) whole business model is based on "bigger is better" and they give us these tiny little packets. How are people with sausage fingers even supposed to open them? I'm going to go out on a big fat healthy limb and say that mcdonalds should cater to the demographic that keeps them going. The sausage finger demographic.

What's funny/ironic is that in europe (and by europe, i mean scotland, because that's the only place i've been to in europe), they have big ketchup packets. healthy american sized packets, but they charge you for the ketchup. So, in a country where you get free crappy healthcare, you have to pay for big ketchup packets, and in a country where you pay for your very expensive healthcare, you get free ketchup packets, but they're small.

Oh, the choices.

I'll take my freedom. . . with an oreo mcflurry.

Thursday, September 2, 2010

Serial Cereal Mixers: Not Idiots, But Definitely Somewhat Crazy

Very very crazy. Not crazy ex-girlfriend crazy, but more like fanatical soccer mom crazy. This person is basically normal, except when put in certain situations, they act in a manner unfitting for a human being or bear (not a hairy homosexual, but an actual bear).

I guess i should back track and discuss what exactly a serial cereal mixer is. A serial cereal mixer is a person (man, woman, in-between) who habitually mixes different kinds of breakfast cereal, regardless of quantity‡ in each box.

Big deal. So what. That's not bad. Wrong. It is bad. Here are a few reasons why this is a problem.

1. God/General Mills (whoever came first) make different cereals for a reason. They make them so you can have different cereals, but at different times. If they wanted you to mix, they'd just make a cereal that's pre-mixed. End of Story.
2. Mixing cereal is one of the leading causes for HPV. Google it.
3. When you mix cereal, you spit in the face of our founding fathers. They didn't mix cereal. Neither should you.
4. The majority of serial cereal mixers end up moving into a different serial field. serial killing. It's a gateway habit. Google it.
5. serial cereal mixing is also an underlying trait of people suffering from accidental lobotomies.
6. Number 5 actually might be a leading cause for Number 4, which in turn might be a leading cause for HPV.

Well, that's all i'm going to make up. I have things to do.

The bottom line is that it's gross and you should eat cereal the way God intended. Dave.

‡I added the quantity claws (rawr) because when you have two boxes of basically empty cereal and you want a whole bowl, but don't want to open a new box, it's understandable that you would mix the two. It's a dire situation and you do what you have to do.

Wednesday, September 1, 2010

Engagement Rings: Dumb.

Despite actually being an expert on the topic, i must say that i chose to write about this because 3 of my good friends are thinking about getting married. I'm not here to try and dissuade them. Nay. Being married would be awesome. I was almost married once. I'm actually writing this to try and convince people that engagement rings are a stupid idea. i feel so strongly that i'm going to write that sentence once more and put it in bold and italics. I'm actually writing this to try and convince people that engagement rings are a stupid idea. I guess not engagement rings per se, but what they've become in todays society.

Warning: My feelings about engagement rings may or may not have led to the unengaged circumstance that i'm in now, so if you really want to get married, maybe stop reading or at least read with a closed mind. Or don't. i don't care.

Anyway. Engagement rings. What have they become? They've become a tool of sorts. A tool, used by women, to set the standard for the future. The standard of "your money is now mine, so you might as well spend it on me". Hence the reason for buying large expensive rings. Barf.

They no longer mean commitment. If they really meant commitment, you should be able to purchase, or steal, or make any sort of object and declare it to stand for commitment, but now most women want a "rock". An effing rock that comes out of the ground. If i were a shallow woman, i'd at least want something that hardly anyone else has, like a moon rock or a poisonous serpent, or something along those lines.

What goes on in a woman's smaller (FACT) brain that she thinks that spending an entire paycheck (isn't that the standard) on a ring that she will probably lose is a good idea? What goes on? I don't know. I don't read minds. I'm pretty sure it's about control.

This is where i climb upon the tower and shout to the masses - "Abandon your foolish ways. The time has come where man should stand up for what is right. Resist the woman that demands such frivolity. Send a message to the ladies that we will no longer buy dumb things like engagement rings, and tall t's, and slim t's, and rolling backpacks, and corn, and snuggies, and we will spend the money on things that are necessary, like food, and shelter, and climbing shoes, and possibly new skis." I imagine that after i've finished shouting to the masses that i get booed off, and maybe stoned (literally have rocks thrown at me. idiot.). Anyway. I don't know. I don't really know the demographic i was yelling at. it was all imaginary anyway.

So after all that, the bottom line i arrive at is this: It seems logical that the money could be put to something else that is actually more beneficial for the relationship, but i guess that's where i went wrong. I used logic, which is apparently absent in the majority of engaged people. ug.

Editor's Note: All this is opinion, but if i really wanted to, i could go into nearfacts about how DeBeers ("a diamond is forever" company) basically created today's engagement system. How convenient that a company that would profit off of people buying expensive rings would lobby for a system where people buy expensive rings. That's commercialism for you.