Thursday, September 2, 2010

Serial Cereal Mixers: Not Idiots, But Definitely Somewhat Crazy

Very very crazy. Not crazy ex-girlfriend crazy, but more like fanatical soccer mom crazy. This person is basically normal, except when put in certain situations, they act in a manner unfitting for a human being or bear (not a hairy homosexual, but an actual bear).

I guess i should back track and discuss what exactly a serial cereal mixer is. A serial cereal mixer is a person (man, woman, in-between) who habitually mixes different kinds of breakfast cereal, regardless of quantity‡ in each box.

Big deal. So what. That's not bad. Wrong. It is bad. Here are a few reasons why this is a problem.

1. God/General Mills (whoever came first) make different cereals for a reason. They make them so you can have different cereals, but at different times. If they wanted you to mix, they'd just make a cereal that's pre-mixed. End of Story.
2. Mixing cereal is one of the leading causes for HPV. Google it.
3. When you mix cereal, you spit in the face of our founding fathers. They didn't mix cereal. Neither should you.
4. The majority of serial cereal mixers end up moving into a different serial field. serial killing. It's a gateway habit. Google it.
5. serial cereal mixing is also an underlying trait of people suffering from accidental lobotomies.
6. Number 5 actually might be a leading cause for Number 4, which in turn might be a leading cause for HPV.

Well, that's all i'm going to make up. I have things to do.

The bottom line is that it's gross and you should eat cereal the way God intended. Dave.



‡I added the quantity claws (rawr) because when you have two boxes of basically empty cereal and you want a whole bowl, but don't want to open a new box, it's understandable that you would mix the two. It's a dire situation and you do what you have to do.

1 comment:

Courtney said...

My Dad does this...guess I should warn him about the murder thing. Thanks!

ps - it grosses me OUT. BIG time!!