Saturday, October 30, 2010

Plagiarism: Hey Matt Irving, No Hard Feelings.

Is it plagiarism if i take someone else's idea? Maybe. What if that other person is also named matt irving? Put that in your pipe and pretend to smoke it.

I was recently looking to see if my blog appeared inside of google. Apparently it does if you google: matt irving blog of negativity dumb pretentious rolling backpacks. Weird, i know. It doesn't really show up for anything else. Try it. Or don't. . . . . I just lied to you so don't bother. Anyway, I found out that another matt irving had a blog on myspace (kind of childish) and i wanted to see if it was as funny as mine (it's not). It's not, however he did have a good idea that i promptly borrowed. Don't worry, i'll cite him (see below)

This idea comes from matt irving. There, are you happy? I don't care either way. Wham! that just happened. Speaking of wham, that was kind of a weird band, don't you think? And by weird, i mean awesome.

Anyway, the ultimate friend competition. That's what i've been trying to get at for the last two paragraphs. I imagine that my fan is perking up at this point, hoping that he/she will have a shot at being the ultimate friend (which is no relation to the ultimate human, but it might help)

No one reading this is my ultimate friend for several reasons. You can read on to find out, or you can stop and go cry in the corner. Your choice.
*End of Disclaimer*

Ok, here is a list of ultimate friend requirements. Keep in mind that these are more like loose guidelines that can be changed at any point. For example, if you were to buy me food, you would bypass all requirements and be my ultimate friend for a day or two, or until i went to the bathroom.

1. Must be facebook friends. (not just "facebook friends" but for reals. I'm talking messages, wall posts that aren't links to dumb things, pokes, compliments, etc. . . . (oh, and i'm not fishing for friend requests because i don't really care)
2. Must be able to do feats of: strength, balance, wisdom, flexibility, awesome, etc...
3. Must bare my first child. Sorry dudes, unless you can pony up a uterus, a womanish figure, and some class, you're probably out.
4. Must bear my first child. You read that correctly. It's a verb. Look it up (don't). It means to allow ones child to be raised by a gaggle of bears for one year. I'm cool with it. My ultimate friend must be as well.
5. Must read my blog and make comments about how funny i am.
5. Must make me feel good about myself.
6. Must talk me into doing cool things. ie. . . "you could totally make that" (referring to landing a trick, jumping a gap, making a cake, constructing a sweet octopus halloween costume, blah blah blah, etc, etc, etc...)
7. Must have the ability to notice and compliment good facial hair.
8. Must not be canadian.
9. Ok, i'm going to bed.

Good luck.

Rereading this, it appears that i've made a list of requirements for a wife, but that's not what it started out as. Eff.

Eff Canada: Honestly, Who Doesn't Take Visa?

I'm in canada right now, staying at a hostel. It's kind of nice swanky hostel. Really cool. lot's of cool people. Anyway, this is going to end up being a list of things i forgot and maybe i'll post photos, but probably not.

First on the list is the number one reason i hate canada. Let me write a quick lead up. We arrive in canada. We stay at a friends of a friends house. All we hear is "oh, you have to eat at tim horton's. You have to eat at tim horton's". I'm assuming that tim horton's is an eatery, in fact, i know it is because when we finally went there (somewhat excited) i ordered what appeared to be a good sandwich and some good soup and some good hot chocolate, but when i went to pay, the young chap behind the counter says "i'm sorry we only take mastercard". What the french canadaian! Who only takes mastercard? Obviously tim horton does. what an idiotic restaurant. PS, we left because we didn't have cash. . . or a mastercard.

Second on the list is the number two reason i hate canada. It's too cold.

Anyway, that's really all i have because this trip has been pretty incredible so far, which is surprising because (lead in to my next list) i forgot a lot of things. Here is a list of things i forgot. Keep in mind that this was sort of a backpacking trip.

1. a backpack. I mean, i brought a day pack, but we did an overnight hike in to ski a glacier the next day and i didn't have a pack, i had to use my north face duffel, which thankfully is really uncomfortable.
2. stove. luckily hairy had one.
3. utensils. luckily ryan had one. It was a fork spoon combo. Hairy forgot one too so we all had to take turns eating. This one is particularly funny because on numerous occasions, we all stated that we should pick up some utensils from mcdonalds, which we didn't, then at a&w, which we didn't (yes, we ate there and it was good, so eat it. . . no seriously, the spicy mama burger is really good).
4. sleeping pad. luckily there were two extra ones floating around.
5. harness. luckily hairy had an extra one.

Basically, what i'm saying is that i forget tons of things when i go on trips so if you ever go on a trip with me, make sure you pack extra.

Oh, last thing i hate about canada. The speed limit. Who goes 50kmh on an interstate-like road? Canadians do and it's really really annoying.

Sunday, October 17, 2010

Astronauts: True Love

I can't believe i've never written about this. It's as if the golden goose that lays golden eggs flew right by me as i was loading my mossberg 590 a1 9 shot, landed in front of me, honked a bit and strutted around for a moment as i stood there, fiddling with the shells, then took off. Luckily, i'm a good shot (for the sake of this blog, we'll say i'm a good shot) and i blasted that golden goose out of the sky.


A while back, maybe a year or two, or three, or 6 months. . . . I don't really know and i'm not interested enough to look it up. Literally, it would take me seconds and i'm not going to do it. . . . . anyway. . . . . the astronaut love triangle. Need a recap? I'll make it quick and probably inaccurate.

girl astronaut dates guy astronaut. Other girl astronaut is jealous. Drives a nasa hover car around the world wearing diapers with plans of kidnapping first girl astronaut. Maces her, blah blah blah etc etc etc, BOOM, she's in jail. Fast forward 7 months or a year or a week and here i am, writing this little piece of nonfiction. Click here for the full story.

Anyway. . . Once again, i'm left here feeling as if the world has taken crazy pills. At what point in the application to be an astronut process, do they screen for being crazy? I would have thought that it would be early on, but apparently they don't screen for craziness at all. Which is great because probably 57% of crazy people want to be astronauts. I know i do.

It really is great to see the progress we've made in accepting and integrating crazy people into our society. I mean, 100 years ago, we weren't allowing crazy people to venture into space, but now, we've found a way to help these people out. Personally, i would have taken the integration in a different direction. Maybe start out with something a little less expensive and time consuming and life threatening and maybe something not at the forefront of national and international media, like park maintenance‡, or something along those lines. It's cool though. . . . . Astronaut works all the same.

Anyway. . . in the end, the moral of the story is maybe think things through before you act, especially if diapers are in the plan. You might be able to tie socialism and universal healthcare into it somehow, but as of this moment, i'm not sure.

‡ If you work in park maintenance, i'm sorry, i wasn't implying that you're crazy, it was just the first thing that popped into my head.

Television‡: The Irony

The blog post you are about to read is 100% factual. And by "100% factual", i mean mostly opinion with a ton of near facts. And by "a ton", i mean a couple. . . possibly even none.
*End of Disclaimer*

*Another Disclaimer*
Also, this might not be funny, because it's a genuine concern of mine. Plus, i use the "shit" word (sorry mom, but it's necessary).
*End of Another Disclaimer*

The other day i was watching television. . . . I'm reluctant to tell you what i was watching because it's somewhat embarrassing (the matrix). Ug. I was killing time and it was on tv. Cut me some slack. It was either that or jersey shore and i refuse to admit that i would ever watch that show (i do have). . . . ug.

Anyway, I was watching the matrix and there was a scene where two robots played by keanu reeves and some other lady, were walking into an office building. When the security guard saw them, he said "holy . . . . ". That's right. He just said "holy" because they censored out the "shit" word. The two robots then began to violently shoot about 5 people. . . .

Let me get this straight. It's ok for people to murder on television, but it's not ok to say the "shit" word. What the french. I guess it kind of makes sense, considering the condition of the world. Kind of. Maybe i just don't understand it. I was under the assumption that murder was not on the same plane as swearing.

I feel as if i've been taking crazy pills. Actually, i feel as if everyone else but me is taking crazy pills. That would make sense. A lot more sense than censoring swearing but allowing people killing other people does. Anyway. Just thought it was somewhat ironic.

‡By "television", i mean the FCC°

°By "the FCC", i mean the general population, because the only reason the FCC censors anything is because people complain. No complaints, no censorship. got it?

Saturday, October 16, 2010

Birthdays: Dumb. Especially Dave's Kami's Andrew's

What's more negative than wishing someone an unhappy birthday? Nothing. Except maybe actually making sure they have an unhappy birthday. . . or killing someone. That's pretty negative. Maybe even killing them on their birthday. That's probably the most negative thing in the world. I'm actually not that negative so i'll stick to wishing people an unhappy birthday.

Dave Kami Andrew, I hope your birthday was terrible. I hope it really sucked eggs. Big ones. Not only that, but i hope that you don't get any gifts. And if you do get gifts, i hope they break when you open them. Like if you were to open your gift and have it fall out of your hands and break into a million pieces. I want that to be you. Also, it'd be great if maybe you got sick. Not cancer, but maybe a cold or flu or something. That would be really good. Well. . . . uh. . . yeah. Unhappy birthday Dave Kami Andrew.

Just kidding.

Friday, October 15, 2010

The Double Snuggie: ......[blank stare]......What, Fresh Hell, Is This?

To avoid anyone else outing me, i will admit that i have in my possession, a snuggie, but not by choice. It was a gift from my idiot brothers and i plan on re-gifting it this christmas, so if you get it from me, it probably means i don't really like you all that much. Sorry, but you should have been a better friend.
*End of Disclaimer*

Anyway, it appears that the morons (i'm really just jealous) that created the snuggie have invented a new abomination. The snuggie for two. Click here to make the jump to it's home page, but so help me if you buy one, i'm going to climb through my computer and strangle you. it's strictly so you can see what kind of terrible ideas make money. ug.

Some of you are probably thinking that you might want me to just post a picture of it, but a) you're an idiot, and b) i'm not posting a picture of that on my blog. I already posted one in an earlier post and it gave my computer some sort of computerized venereal disease. Yeah, gross. That's what i thought.

Anyway, as i was researching for this blog post, i sat at my computer staring at the photo of the double snuggie thinking to myself, wondering why on earth people would purchase these stupid things. I came to a conclusion and I'm convinced that people buy these things for other, more useful, uses. Such as:

1. Wrapping up corpses - Everyone knows that 8/10 serial cereal killers prefer the snuggie over a blanket. Fact.
2. Practical jokes - It's all fun and games to give someone a snuggie as a gag gift, until they mail it back to you along with a letter full of anthrax. Go suck eggs, mike and mark, big ones.
3. A round about way of telling someone you don't like them - Like i said above, generally if you get a snuggie as a gift, you are not well liked by the sender. As the sendee, i'd see #2 for ideas on what you could do to retaliate, and #1 for ideas on how to clean up the retaliation.
4. Impromptu mop - It seems that they would soak up a lot of liquid, so if you accidently tip over your drum of oil you keep in your kitchen, use them to soak up the mess. SIDE NOTE: Maybe BP could have bought all the snuggies and used them to soak up their mess, then burned them. You know, kill two cats with one stone. Nice.
5. Promptu Mop - If you own a cleaning business, you could give all your "legal employees" snuggies to use as mops, this wouldn't save time though, and i'd imagine most of your "legal employees" would quit.
6. Ear muffs - They're kind of oversized, but if you had two, you could tape them to your head and they would probably work pretty effectively as sound barriers.
7. Shelter the homeless - In theory, this is really nice, but i've seen homeless people turn down snuggies, so i'm going to go out on a limb and say that this idea is only theoretical, sort of like evolution.

Anyway, In all reality (especially mine), the true use of the snuggie is to let everyone know that the snuggie owner is an idiot.

Thursday, October 14, 2010

Superglue: If By Super You Mean Not That Super And Somewhat Annoying, Then Yeah. . . . Super

Superglue actually does work for some people. People like Gandolf. The white one, not the grey one.
*End of Disclaimer*

All this negativity stems from an incident i had this summer where i filleted my finger open trying to get the glue out of the tiny useless tube. I'm talking mega filleted. ug. it stung.

Question: how on earth did you fillet your finger whilst trying to get the glue out of the tube? It seems that there would be nothing involved in that process that could fillet your finger.

Answer: Well, normally you're right, there is nothing involved in the glue removal process that would cut you, unless the glue seals the glue tube shut after one effing use and you end up trying to use a leatherman and pin to open the hole, which then becomes you stabbing yourself in the tip of the finger with a pin. eff those things. i mean, open wounds are cool and all, but sometimes, you'd just rather not have one.

Problem: Superglue is a product that effectively seals itself up after one use, causing you to buy more superglue.

Solution: Either Get rich and buy all the super glue companies, then pull a "circuit city", or not use superglue, or both, or neither. I don't really care either way. it wasn't even my superglue.

circuit city: definition - go out of business. example - you really circuit citied yourself.

Tuesday, October 12, 2010

The Ultimate Human: Impossibility vs. Improbability.

You are not an ultimate human, so if you were reading this in hopes of finding out if you were, don't bother because like i said before, you're not. You might be close though, so it might be worth a read anyway. Or not. I don't really care.
*End of Disclaimer*

What is an ultimate human? basically there is a six step checklist. Check the first one off and you're a level 1 ultimate human in training. Check the second one off and you're a level 2 ultimate human in training, blah blah blah etc etc etc. The last one on the list which is the hardest to tick off is being able to reproduce asexually. This is much harder than you think. Anyway, i'm going to start writing the checklist and i'll probably go a little more in depth on each one, but maybe not. I'm a busy man *note: i'm not a busy man*.

1. Are you able to knock a watermelon off of a friend's head with whatever weapon you have at the moment? If you are, congratulations, you are a level 1 ultimate human in training and also congratulations to your friend for balancing a watermelon on his/her head. . . that's impressive. . . . anyway, being able to be precise with weapons is good for survival. Just ask Jason Bourne.

2. Are you able to Speak at least 5 languages? Speaking foreign languages is key to being an ultimate human. As an ultimate human, you're required to give speeches and being able to speak at least 5 languages is a good way to make sure that most people understand you. It's also convenient if you need to pretend to not speak a certain language, you can just switch to a new one and walk off as if you didn't know what was going on (think vietnam).

3. Are you able to cook a good meal? It sounds simple, but most humans are unable to cook a good meal. A couple factors contribute to this. a) no good ingredients (sorry poor people). b) unable to follow instructions (sorry illiterate people). c) no sense of what good means.

4. Are you able to do cool things? This one is really very subjective, and by subjective, i mean i'm the decider as to whether or not it's a "cool" thing, so if you have questions, just ask me. Here's a sub-list of some random "cool" things. a) Anything that deals with climbing mountains, riding bulls, and racing cars. b) feats of balance. c) feats of strength. d) feats of awesome blah blah blah etc etc etc....

5. Do you poop solid gold? This one is pretty self-explanatory, but for those that need an explanation. If you can eat food and poop solid gold or even an unsolid gold, congratulations, you're a level 5 ultimate human in training.

6. Are you able to reproduce asexually? Ok, last one. I know you're thinking that you might be able to reproduce asexually, but trust me, you can't. It would be cool though.

Anyway. . . . Sorry to dangle the possibility of being an ultimate human in front of your face. I know some of you were hoping that you would be, but the truth is, as long as you're working towards being an ultimate human, you're doing pretty well. or you're not. I don't know.

As for improbabilities vs. impossibilities, i forgot how i was going to tie that in, so i'll just leave you with a quote about china. "China is a social experiment to see if an entire country can get away with doing really weird things".

Wednesday, October 6, 2010

Vampires: No Explanation Needed

Since i recently discovered that my blog is more powerful than i imagined (see here), i've decided to discuss something that i've wanted to talk about for a while.


I know what you're thinking. Vampires? Yes. Vampires.

Ever since twilight came out, vampires have been losing face amongst the contributing public. I say "contributing public" because most people that really enjoy twilight are either prepubescent girls, or noncontributing adults. . . . . Anyway, I'd like to go back to the days when vampires were respected. When you could look at a vampire vhs tape and think "this looks pretty good" rather than "i'd rather poke my eyes out".

I mean, what's cooler than a person that eats another person? A vampire that eats another person (cannibals aren't that cool). What's cooler than a vampire that eats another person? Nothing, except maybe a person that reproduces asexually (see next post: Ultimate Humans). That's why i feel that the word vampire should be used in a similar fashion as the f-word. It's a stretch, but let me explain.

The f-word can be used in a variety of forms. Some good. Some bad. Some awesome. Vampires also take on many different forms. The twilight vampires are incredibly idiotic/sparkly. Underworld vampires are cool/hot. The Sesame Street vampire is good with numbers, although i think he's only good with small numbers. The Blade vampire is african american. Some are scary, some are pale, some weigh 200 pounds, blah blah blah etc etc etc, you get my point. Lots of different meanings. In fact there are so many different meanings, you could use the word vampire and it could mean many different things.

Obviously you have to shorten it since saying "go vampire yourself" would sound ridiculous.

"Wanna vamp?" (float, drink blood, sleep in a coffin, etc . . . . pervert)
"Go vamp yourself" (usually said out of anger)
"Gerald, you're a vamping idiot" (usually said as a joke)
"Vamp yeah" (usually said while you're sleeping)
"I'm so vamping proud of you" (usually said with pride)
"Vamp you" (usually said out of anger)
"Vamp me" (usually said out of frustration)
"Eat your vamping human meat. Eat it" (usually said to a child who won't eat human meat)
"Listen mother vamper, i'm not going to vamping ask you again. Pick up your vamping dishes or i'm going to smash all of them with a vamping pipe wrench. Vamp". (chris hoerter)
"She is so vamping beautiful" (usually said to a beautiful woman. . . . or man)

The list could go on for days, but i'll stop it there since i should be doing other things more constructive than writing about vampires. Not that they're not cool, but yeah. other things. Anyway, i'm hoping that in a few months, USA today will be writing about how obama said the word "vamping" in his speech. i can only hope for change.

Saturday, October 2, 2010

Nickelback: My White Whale

This isn't going to be a post about how crappy nickelback is, despite the fact that they're a really crappy band and their lead singer is inarguably the ugliest man alive. No, this post is going to be about how i can't write about nickelback.

I've tried writing about them maybe 4 or 5 times and each time i get about two paragraphs in and delete everything. Instead, i end up writing about ketchup, which i thought was a good post, but it's no nickelback. Even now i struggle.

Why can't i write about how every song sounds the same. Or about them being canadian. I mean CANADIAN. celine dion is canadian. STOP. I like celine dion, i'm not going to write bad about her. Or about how their lyrics are dumb. Or about how they have a terrible name. Or about how he has terrible hair. Ug. I feel like a disappointment. This should be as easy as shooting turds in a toilet, but it's not. One of these days i'll get a good post out. Until then, i'll stick with things like ketchup, and color, and snuggies, and rolling backpacks, and elevators, and blueteeth, and stuff like that.

Eff Nickelback.

ps, i know this post sucks, but i just wanted my fan to know why i hadn't covered the obvious.