Tuesday, October 12, 2010

The Ultimate Human: Impossibility vs. Improbability.

You are not an ultimate human, so if you were reading this in hopes of finding out if you were, don't bother because like i said before, you're not. You might be close though, so it might be worth a read anyway. Or not. I don't really care.
*End of Disclaimer*

What is an ultimate human? basically there is a six step checklist. Check the first one off and you're a level 1 ultimate human in training. Check the second one off and you're a level 2 ultimate human in training, blah blah blah etc etc etc. The last one on the list which is the hardest to tick off is being able to reproduce asexually. This is much harder than you think. Anyway, i'm going to start writing the checklist and i'll probably go a little more in depth on each one, but maybe not. I'm a busy man *note: i'm not a busy man*.

1. Are you able to knock a watermelon off of a friend's head with whatever weapon you have at the moment? If you are, congratulations, you are a level 1 ultimate human in training and also congratulations to your friend for balancing a watermelon on his/her head. . . that's impressive. . . . anyway, being able to be precise with weapons is good for survival. Just ask Jason Bourne.

2. Are you able to Speak at least 5 languages? Speaking foreign languages is key to being an ultimate human. As an ultimate human, you're required to give speeches and being able to speak at least 5 languages is a good way to make sure that most people understand you. It's also convenient if you need to pretend to not speak a certain language, you can just switch to a new one and walk off as if you didn't know what was going on (think vietnam).

3. Are you able to cook a good meal? It sounds simple, but most humans are unable to cook a good meal. A couple factors contribute to this. a) no good ingredients (sorry poor people). b) unable to follow instructions (sorry illiterate people). c) no sense of what good means.

4. Are you able to do cool things? This one is really very subjective, and by subjective, i mean i'm the decider as to whether or not it's a "cool" thing, so if you have questions, just ask me. Here's a sub-list of some random "cool" things. a) Anything that deals with climbing mountains, riding bulls, and racing cars. b) feats of balance. c) feats of strength. d) feats of awesome blah blah blah etc etc etc....

5. Do you poop solid gold? This one is pretty self-explanatory, but for those that need an explanation. If you can eat food and poop solid gold or even an unsolid gold, congratulations, you're a level 5 ultimate human in training.

6. Are you able to reproduce asexually? Ok, last one. I know you're thinking that you might be able to reproduce asexually, but trust me, you can't. It would be cool though.

Anyway. . . . Sorry to dangle the possibility of being an ultimate human in front of your face. I know some of you were hoping that you would be, but the truth is, as long as you're working towards being an ultimate human, you're doing pretty well. or you're not. I don't know.

As for improbabilities vs. impossibilities, i forgot how i was going to tie that in, so i'll just leave you with a quote about china. "China is a social experiment to see if an entire country can get away with doing really weird things".


merk said...

i am close to a level 0 human...

HABBS said...

Now I can't be certain but I am pretty sure I killed an Ultimate Human.