Wednesday, October 6, 2010

Vampires: No Explanation Needed

Since i recently discovered that my blog is more powerful than i imagined (see here), i've decided to discuss something that i've wanted to talk about for a while.


I know what you're thinking. Vampires? Yes. Vampires.

Ever since twilight came out, vampires have been losing face amongst the contributing public. I say "contributing public" because most people that really enjoy twilight are either prepubescent girls, or noncontributing adults. . . . . Anyway, I'd like to go back to the days when vampires were respected. When you could look at a vampire vhs tape and think "this looks pretty good" rather than "i'd rather poke my eyes out".

I mean, what's cooler than a person that eats another person? A vampire that eats another person (cannibals aren't that cool). What's cooler than a vampire that eats another person? Nothing, except maybe a person that reproduces asexually (see next post: Ultimate Humans). That's why i feel that the word vampire should be used in a similar fashion as the f-word. It's a stretch, but let me explain.

The f-word can be used in a variety of forms. Some good. Some bad. Some awesome. Vampires also take on many different forms. The twilight vampires are incredibly idiotic/sparkly. Underworld vampires are cool/hot. The Sesame Street vampire is good with numbers, although i think he's only good with small numbers. The Blade vampire is african american. Some are scary, some are pale, some weigh 200 pounds, blah blah blah etc etc etc, you get my point. Lots of different meanings. In fact there are so many different meanings, you could use the word vampire and it could mean many different things.

Obviously you have to shorten it since saying "go vampire yourself" would sound ridiculous.

"Wanna vamp?" (float, drink blood, sleep in a coffin, etc . . . . pervert)
"Go vamp yourself" (usually said out of anger)
"Gerald, you're a vamping idiot" (usually said as a joke)
"Vamp yeah" (usually said while you're sleeping)
"I'm so vamping proud of you" (usually said with pride)
"Vamp you" (usually said out of anger)
"Vamp me" (usually said out of frustration)
"Eat your vamping human meat. Eat it" (usually said to a child who won't eat human meat)
"Listen mother vamper, i'm not going to vamping ask you again. Pick up your vamping dishes or i'm going to smash all of them with a vamping pipe wrench. Vamp". (chris hoerter)
"She is so vamping beautiful" (usually said to a beautiful woman. . . . or man)

The list could go on for days, but i'll stop it there since i should be doing other things more constructive than writing about vampires. Not that they're not cool, but yeah. other things. Anyway, i'm hoping that in a few months, USA today will be writing about how obama said the word "vamping" in his speech. i can only hope for change.


Aricka said...

That was vamping funny!

MindySue said...

You do know that "vamp" is already a word, right? and that your mother (and mostly your sister) are both fans of the Twilight BOOKS (unless you count Breaking Dawn...blah.)

Very cool about the Sun chips.

Matthew said...

mindy, yes i know it's already a word. Gay used to mean happy, and now it means two men loving one another. Words change.

Matthew said...

here's one more: thanks vamping parking person, i vamping appreciate getting 75 vamping dollars in tickets in one vamping day!!!!! REALLY APPRECIATE IT. Go vamp yourself you self righteous parking vamp head. vamping go find a hole and get the vamp inside of it and vamping die. vamp you and your stupid blah blah blah etc etc....

Brent said...

I'm reading a REAL vampire book right now call "The Historian." At least I think it's going to be a real vampire book. You would be surprised how hard it is to find quality vampire literature that isn't really sappy or corny. It's too bad I'm not a writer because I think it is a niche that needs to be filled. You should give it a thought.

Dean Lords said...

The hippie vampire... "Vamp man, that just blew my vampin' mind."

Hippie Vampire, that's pretty damn funny in itself!

I like vampires more than hippies.