Monday, November 29, 2010

Baby Beauty Pageants: Destroying America, One Baby at a Time

Parents of babies participating in baby beauty pageants: You are terrible people exploiting your children and you should be ashamed. Despite what you think, dressing your child up like a prostitute does not increase their self esteem. Especially if they're too young to realize what's going on. This post is for you.
*End of Disclaimer*

Baby beauty pageant parents. What would possess you to make your child do something like this? I mean, i understand that you probably participated in pageants in your younger years and you sucked at it so you somehow feel like this might be your "second chance" that you've been waiting for your entire life, but it's not a "second chance". You don't have any more "chances" and you're ruining your child's only "chance" at a normal life.

Listen, this will not validate your existence anymore than watching the movie Independence Day validates the existence of aliens. I strongly urge you to take some time to reflect on the crappiness you are inflicting on your child.

For the purpose of this next section, i'd like the reader to pull up this website.

If you have been to this website before, you are a terrible person. If you run this website, you are on par with people like hitler and glenn beck.

Ok, here are several things that are severely wrong with this website.

1. The website
2. The tiaras sitting atop the girls on the home page are easily the ugliest things i've seen since i was doing research for my nickelback blog post (Chad Kroeger, you are an ugly man). Anyway, one of them is way too big. Cartoon big. That's right. Cartoon big. Look it up. It's in the dictionary. It's an adjective (is it?) that means ridiculously big. (ie. That girl's tiara is cartoon big, just like her hair). That was an unfair example because it looks like she actually has really nice hair.
3. The name of the website. Universal royalty? Come on. that's really tacky. As tacky as this wedding photography website.
4. They have a photo retouching link which made me throw up, but i already kind of wrote about that, so i won't elaborate.

I could easily fill your day with more negativity, but i won't. I need to get out of bed. It's 11:11 and i feel like i'm just wasting my day.

I'd like end with maybe a thought or two on "inner beauty" but that would kind of be going in the opposite direction of the blog, so i'll end with. . . .

Eff you baby beauty pageant parents. Eff. You.

Friday, November 26, 2010

All My Friends Are Dead: More Entertaining Than The Bible

I hate to be the bearer of bad news, but the bible is boring, so it's not that hard to be more entertaining than it. I'm not writing this to offend people, i'm just being honest. It's boring. Also, i am writing this to offend people.

Anyway, I was in canada last month and a mediocreº friend introduced me to this awesome book titled "All my friends are dead" by Avery Monsen and Jory John. We will now refer to this book as AMFAD.

Ok, AMFAD is literally the funniest effing book i've ever read. Side note, i wrote a review for this book on my sisters blog, but she made me censor myself, and she probably won't post it. How messed up is that? My own sister. She said i couldn't use the word "effing", but how else are you going to describe a funny book as effing funny as this one? No other way.

At first glance, AMFAD appears to be a children's book because of the cover art, as well as the large print and giant pictures on the inside, but don't be misled because it's not. Well, i mean, it might pass off as a children's book if by children's book, you mean a book that is not really for children. Like mein kampf. Ok ok ok, maybe it's not that extreme, but i feel like the humor is somewhat adult. For instance:

"I'd rather not. Carlos told me you got mono."

Ha!!! In the end, it gives a great message, which i won't spoil. It's only $10 on Amazon and only takes about 5 minutes to read, but it's definitely worth adding to your collection, or if you don't own any books, it'd be a great starter.

And just to stick it to the censorship man or woman. Effing. Effing funny book.

º After reading the book, said friend was bumped up to good friend and if said friend can get me a him suit, said friend will be bumped up to great friend. . . . just saying.

Thursday, November 25, 2010

President Sarah Palin: Equivalent to President The Situation

I have very moderately strong political opinions. For safety reasons, i try to be ambiguous in my posts, but all safety aside, i simply can't sit back and not write about this. The material is right in front of me. It's like james cameron watching pocahontas, then not making avatar. Impossible.

Ok ok ok, Sarah Palin, scourge of the earth, has a new "reality" show. This mamma grizzly obviously must not want to be in politics anymore because she is now on par with the cast of the jersey shore. I'm not going to get too specific and i'll let you decide who you want her to equal. Snooki? J-wow? Maybe even the situation? Regardless of who you choose, the jersey shore is equivalent to a turd sandwich and sarah palin is now equivalent to the jersey shore, so i'll let you do some word math and figure it out. Actually, i'll just do it for you. Sarah palin = turd sandwich.

Don't be mad. I didn't do this. She did, when she decided to get a show on TLC. Some of you might argue that the jersey shore is not on TLC, and you would be right. Let's say i didn't use the jersey shore, how about i just use Jon and Kate plus 8. This ray of light is quick to exploit her kids and is someone i wouldn't consider a stand up woman. So instead of the jersey shore, we'll say she's on par with that terrible kate lady. Oh gosh, they're just all terrible people.

Personally, i feel like i would have to leave america if she was ever in charge of anything other than her own children, which is still a scary thought. It's not that i have a problem with a woman being in charge, but if we do have a woman president, i'd at least like one with half a brain that can comprehend foreign policy, and simple math. Some of you probably feel i'm being too harsh, and i might be, but i'm sticking to my guns, which is funny i should use that phrase. Wasn't obama going to take all our guns away? I'm pretty sure mrs. palin was saying that. Hmmm. That's weird.

Anyway, if any of you belong to that tea bag movement, i'd urge you to pick a new spokesperson because the one you currently love is (hopefully) throwing her political ambitions down the toilet. Ug, she makes me insane.

Wednesday, November 24, 2010

Thanksgiving: I Have Worms

ok ok ok, the title is once again, somewhat misleading because i don't have worms, but i'll try and somehow tie this in before the end. Actually, i'm not going to. I was really just trying to lure people in using shock and awe, sort of like sarah palin and her new reality show (next post for sure).

On a side note, having a tapeworm during the holiday season might not be such a bad thing. Eat guilt free (i do anyway [thanks metabolism. you're great]) and deal with the consequences AFTER christmas. It's like buying a t.v. you can't afford. finance it!!!

Ok, I've been writing on this blog for a couple years now and i must take some time and say thanks to my sister mindy who has an incredibly popular book review blog. click here if you want to see it. Congrats Mindy, you now have 1 new viewer. Yourself. . . . which leads me to my next topic.

Eff you people for not commenting on any of my posts. You're like. . . . tapeworms (I knew i could tie it in. I was going to use a succubus as an example because it sounded like it fit, but i looked it up and apparently it's a female demon that has sex with sleeping men. . . awesome). Anyway. . . tapeworms. . . you just take and take and take and never give anything back.

I spend minutes of my week hunched over my fancy laptop concerned about how i'm going to entertain the world and then i spend a few more minutes copying and pasting other people's work to try and make sense out it. Do you know how hard it is? It's not very hard, but do you know how frustrating it is to just get these comments from my sister? i mean, i love her to death, but i know she just does it to boost my self esteem since her blog is way more popular than mine.

Would it hurt to just say "hey matt, you're the man?" It might if you had carpal tunnel, but you don't, so during this time of thanksgiving, why don't you pony up a few seconds of your time and say thanks. to me.

Sunday, November 21, 2010

Gravity Defyer Shoes: Part Deux

Ok ok ok. I'm first going to apologize for the shortness of that last post. Basically, i had to get that image up immediately to let it (the image) sink in to your brain. Did it sink? I mean, ok, i'm just going to throw this out there.

Their logo is a sperm or spermatozoon (thanks pamela) as the intelligent people call it.

I feel as if i've just overdosed on crazy pills, and not even the generic brand. I'm talking the legit ones.

There are a few explanations as to why a company would use a sperm as a logo

a) The company is run by monkeys. (probably orangutans because they're kind of immature like that)
b) The man/woman in charge has a good (awesome) sense of humor.
c) The company is run by a bunch of guys with smoothies (think ken doll).
d) There is actually nobody running the company. Through a remarkable amount of luck, all the molecules came together and formed what we would call a shoe factory, and through an even more remarkable amount of luck, they appeared on the interweb.

Anyway, regardless of how it happened, this situation is quite similar to the time Michael Jordan grew a hilter mustache.

Obviously there is a period of time where someone could have raised their hand and said "hey, uhhhhhhh, does anyone else think our logo looks like a sperm?" Instead, they chose to keep silent. Let this be a lesson to all of you who choose to do nothing. This is what happens when you sit back and let people think for themselves.

Sperm shoes.

Gravity Defyer Shoes: Shortest Post Ever

Uh. . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .

Saturday, November 20, 2010

Whitney Houston: Strangely Starting to Make Sense

This post technically isn't about Whitney (sorry), but it was a convenient lead in, so. . . . i apologize for misleading you. Actually, i don't care.
*End of Disclaimer*

OK, I'm going to type some lyrics up and i hope that as you read them, you are singing on the inside, but preferably on the outside.

I believe that children are our future. Teach them well and let them lead the way. Show them all the beauty they possess insiiiiiiiiiiiiiide. Give them a sense of pride to make it easier. . . . . . . blah blah blah. How about instead of giving them a sense of pride, we do this.

click here.

For those of you (probably all of you) too lazy to click on the link and read it, i'll give you a brief synopsis (yes i realize "brief synopsis" is redundant, but i wanted to emphasize how brief the synopsis would be).

Retouching school photos.

Parents. Let me get this straight. Instead of trying to make your kid feel special, you decide to go and edit out a birthmark that is permanently on his/her/mark's face. It's cool, it's cool. I mean, why would you ever want to make your kid proud of who he/she is? That's crazy. It would probably be more beneficial to have them worry about a physical trait they have no control over.

I applaud you for your "think outside the box" attitude. You really are thinking ahead. Ahead to a time when instead of editing your child's disfigurements in a photo, you could just edit your actual child, maybe even discard them if they didn't live up to your standards.

To tell you the truth, this disgusts about as much baby beauty pageants, which may be my next post.

Friday, November 19, 2010

TSA: The Sexuality Agency

With all the hullaballoo (spelling?) about the new/old x-ray scanners at the airports, i decided it'd be perfect timing to throw in my 10 cents and see if i can flex my blog a little bit. You know, see if i can force some change. It worked with sunchips, so i figured it could work for the body scanners. We'll see.

So, if you're not up to speed on the whole debacle, i'll fill you in with some nearfacts.

Issue: TSA's new policy at airports is to feel everybody's genitals. . . . twice. Apparently this is to prevent terrorists, but personally, i feel it's because people at TSA appreciate genitals. But hey, who doesn't, right? If they're not feeling people up, they're posting naked pictures of passengers on the internet. What's the problem with that? I'll tell you what the problem is. They're not very flattering.

I mean, i could see people being cool with some tasteful nudes, but what they're posting is far from tasteful. It's this metallic[a] blue, wrinkly, skin squishy blob thing that. . . . what's that? Oh. . . . . apparently the people are gross, not the images themselves, which is actually a convenient segue [sounds like segway] into my next topic. . . .

This is where i would normally write a little bit about obesity, but i've had some complaints about my posts being too long and people skipping stuff, and that my friends, is a stupid thing to do. So to all you that skip my material. Eff. You.

Thursday, November 18, 2010

Political Correctness: More Annoying Than Cats. The Musical, As Well As The Animal

This post might offend people. I guess that's going to be a permanent disclaimer. Other than offending, there might be some phrases that will make you throw up, so just be prepared. Maybe stand by a bucket or toilet or something.
*End of Disclaimer*

What the eff is happening in the world? Every day i wake up and find that a word or phrase is now unacceptable to use. The first time it happened, i was in 4th grade and i used the phrase "banana jams". I was talking about smashing a banana in someones face, but the teacher must have been thinking something else because i got in so much trouble. . . . . Really? Banana jams? What's next, jipped? Oh. . . . what's that? That's offensive to gypsy's? COME ON!!! They don't even look the same. Oh. . . . what's that? It was originally spelled gypped? . . . . . . . . well, it's a good thing gypsy's don't have feelings. fact.

Anyway, apparently we can't use the word gypped anymore, unless we say jipped, instead of gypped.

Effing politically correct idiots. They're ruining mare ka (america [America]). What's next? Eskimo kisses? You are not going to take that away from me. I don't care if it's offensive to eskimos. Eskimo kisses are awesome. This could go on for a while, but i have "workº" to do, so i'm going to leave you with this: Gay used to mean happy, now it means same sex attraction. Teenagers and ignorant adults use it to mean dumb. In a hundred years, it could mean flower pot.

ie "hey could you move the flowers from the garden to a gay. I'd like to have them in the house. Oh, and pick a gay that matches the drapes, because. . . ok, never mind, i'll do it."

All i'm saying is that people get offended too easy. Relax.

Anytime (intoxicated) people use the word "mormon" to mean someone who doesn't have fun, i don't get bent out of shape, i drive them home because i'm the permanent designated driver and they thank me. . . . and sometimes, i go through their wallets and take what is owed to me. Just saying.

Ok, seriously, i'm getting back to "workº".

Oh, i forgot about a phrase that might make you throw up. Are you ready? baby bump. ug. sick.

º - facebook

Monday, November 8, 2010

Married People: So Mature = Faux Maturity

If you are recently married (i'd say within the last 15 years) and you're what i'd call a "friend", be prepared to defriend me on facebook. This might hurt.
*End of Disclaimer

Dear Married People,
Let me first say/admit that i am immature. I'll admit it. I don't pretend to be mature. I know i'm not.

That being said, NEITHER ARE YOU.

At least you're not as mature as you think you are. It's weird. Right before you were married, you were just as "immature" as everyone else. You made inappropriate jokes. You were reckless. You did other immature things. But once you said "i do", you became wrapped in a shroud of maturity that frankly other people find disgusting/annoying.

We (single people) know that you look down on us. That you think you're better than us. That you ride your tall horse around thinking that all single people must be unhappier than you and that they all must be jealous of you.

The truth is, we are. We all wish that we were so delusional that we could also wrap ourselves in a shroud of maturity. It would be great. I mean, ignorance really is bliss.

Unfortunately, we can't wrap ourselves in that ridiculous shroud and instead, we're forced to put up with you. We put up with you at church functions. We put up with you in public. We put up with you at work. We don't however put up with you when we travel because usually you're not there. Anyway.

Married people. Eff. You.


ps - Drexton, i wouldn't put you in that category.

Sunday, November 7, 2010

The Great Pacific Garbage Patch: Disappointing

I want to bring your attention to something that has been hogging up the airwaves for the last little while. And by little while, i mean this is kind of old news that i ended up having a conversation about at dinner. Anyway, It's the great pacific garbage patch. I'm assuming it's somewhere in the pacific ocean, given the name. I'm also assuming that it's basically a big patch of garbage.

When i first heard about this, i was amazed. A giant island of plastic, swirling in the gyre. This must be a huge environmental disaster. Dang. We need to do something about this. Let's send a fleet of floating garbage trucks and an army of aqua garbage men (affixed with water wings, duh) out to this island in order to save the planet. Now. . . . . That was my initial thought.

Tonight at dinner, i learned some disappointing news. It's not really even technically§ an island. You can't even walk on it. I was imagining this pile of plastic, with maybe astroturf growing on it (thank alex honnold for that one), and what it turns out to be is a bunch of plastic things floating on top of the ocean. How much of a let down was that?

I figured that with american consumerism and china being whatever it is, we would have the power to literally create an island out of plastic. I'm talking animals living on it. Maybe a tribe of island people. Possibly even some nice houses. I mean, these are the two countries that gave us global warming, slavery, and mutant animals. I figured we could do better than that.

What i propose is we really live up to our potential. Instead of recycling, we need to start shipping our plastic to friends or relatives on the coast and have them ship them to this weak pile of plastic. I figure in about 5 years, we could literally have a place to go on vacation. Not only that, but we could open up some real estate plots to put all the overpopulation whiners/wieners on it. waaaaaaaaa, we're running out of water. waaaaaaaaa, there isn't enough food for everyone. waaaaaaaa, get over it. You know, i'm going to try and have as many kids as possible just to annoy you (i won't).

Anyway, let's get motivated and create that island.

§ - I say technically because my definition of an island is one that you can physically make some sort of shelter on and maybe live for a year if you had to. It has to grow palm trees as well as other various fruit trees. It also must have bears on it.

Hold Up: Life Cycles

I saw a movie last night that was inspirational. Oddly enough, it was a mountain biking movie. Here's the trailer.

I really wish you could see the whole film because it tells a much bigger story. It tells us why we do the things we do.

Our life cycles.

We live. We grow. We love. We learn. We die. On, top of that, the cinematography is spectacular, and the riding is really good too. I hope that it wins a couple awards because it is really one of the best films i've seen here at the banff film festival. Anyway, sorry about being positive, Hopefully i'll get out of this rut and write something really negative. I should probably be extra negative since this one is kind of positive. Maybe i'll finally be able to write about nickelback. Anyway, see the film if you ever get a chance. It's worth is.

Friday, November 5, 2010

Sunchips: Beating a Dead Horse is More Fun Than You Would Think

I have never, nor will i ever, beat a dead horse. Not to say i don't think about it sometimes. And i might poke one with a stick or kind of nudge it to see if it's alive (you know, every time i see a horse laying down, i think it's dead), but i'm 97% sure i wouldn't beat a dead horse. Live horses, are a different story.
*End of Disclaimer*

*Another Disclaimer*
Oh relax, i was kidding. . . . . maybe.
*End of Disclaimer*

Anyway, sunchips. The bane of my existence. Sorry. For those of you who are new to this. I hate sunchips. Not so much the chip itself, but the noisy bag they were coming in. You know. . . . that one. The one that sounds similar to low flying aircraft circling your conversation, or i guess what was left of your conversation. They're really really loud. Or at least they were loud. I had written sunchips letters, sending them elaborate formulas on the cost to convenience ratio of loudness vs. environmentally friendliness proving that a) they were in fact louder than space shuttles, therefore were doing more damage than the non compostable bags. And b) the environment actually didn't care in the least whether or not you could compost them because a) the environment knows that people don't compost them and b) even the environment was bugged by how loud they were.

I love lists.

Anyway, long story longer, my blog is 93% responsible for frito lays changing back to the normal bags (it's not). Not only that, but a sunchips representative personally came to my house and was a human ottoman for 3 days (he didn't). Victory is mine. . . . or so i thought.

One problem. Canaduh. That's right. That's how it should be spelled. Just like america should be spelled ameericuh. Anyway, i'm going to add one more thing onto my list of why i think canada should fall into the ocean. Reason #73 - canada is an exception to the noisy bag. Just like they're an exception to freedom. Ug. Let me explain. Canada is not getting rid of the noisy bag. Instead they choose to save the environment.

Wow, that's dumb. I mean, if china did it, i could see it making a difference, but canada has what, 1 million people? Half of which live in igloos and don't even know what chips are. I'm sure some disgusting pretentious canadian hipster had something to do with this. Or not. I don't know. All i know is i now have one more reason to not come back to canada. Thanks a lot.