Friday, December 31, 2010

Adopting Lots of Babies: Hiring Lots of Nannies

Ever since i donned my celebrity hat (that strangely resembles that of a ku klux klan hat), i have had this weird urge to start adopting babies. I know what you're thinking? "Matt, you can't have babies, you would eat them", and you might be right. Sometimes i get hungry enough that i think, "man, i'm so hungry i could eat a baby right now", but i'm 97% sure that i'm just using it as an expression of how hungry i am and would not, in fact, eat a baby. Who knows.

Anyway. . . . that got out of hand. . . . fast. Ok, so the only reason i mention adopting tons of babies is because i look around and see all my close celebrity friends adopting babies. Not one or two. . . . a ton. Literally, I saw the order form of my good friend angelina, don't know if you've heard of her, she makes movies, and she had a request for 2000 pounds worth of babies, give or take 50 pounds. Fortunately or unfortunately (depending on whether or not you look at it from the babies point of view), they couldn't fill her request. Which is too bad because i think she'd be a "great" "mom"ª

In the end, i feel it was a good thing because she just would have had to hire more nannies to raze them. I mean, honestly, you can't expect her to actually take care of them, right? No way. Obviously we have better things to do than raze kids, however we still want to showcase them. It's kind of a catch 22, except one of the conditions is completely avoidable by using nannies.

Some of you are probably wondering why so many celebrities think it's cool to adopt children from every race, and i'm here to let you in on a little secret. It's called the race race. Basically, every year, celebrities put money into a "fund" of sorts and the person that owns the most babies from different countries wins the cash prize. I think madonna sanchez (that's her full name) won a couple years ago, and brad and angelina (or angrad as they prefer to be called) won last year. We'll find out who won this year in a few weeks. It's really exciting.

Yeah, it seems kind of ridiculous, and it is, but as celebrities, we need to have fun somehow. It gets old just breaking laws and not getting punished. So old. Anyway, i'm going to leave you with a quote that i live by. "Damn it feels good to be a gangster" - office space.

ª - I use the word mom and great very loosely. I'm thinking not so much great as in mediocre to crappy, and not so much mom as in not a mom. So she'd make a mediocre to crappy childless "human"§.

§ - I use the word human very loosely. I'm thinking not so much human as in maybe a heap of matter that miraculously formed to make this lady.

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