Sunday, December 19, 2010

Cell Phone Answering Machines: What Happened to Just the Beep?

Hello. You've reached [whoever]. They are not available to take your call right now. Or they don't want to take your call and they're ignoring you. If you would like to leave a message, please wait for after the beep. If you would like to expedite your message, press 1 followed by the pound sign, followed by an asterisk. If you don't press the asterisk approximately 3 seconds after the pound sign, you will be rerouted to india. If you would like to leave your number, in case the display on the phone you are calling is broken, press seven and then balance the phone on your nose like a seal balances a ball. If you would like to teleport yourself to the individual you're trying to reach, press the number eleventeenth and please wait for future teleporting machines to become available. Meanwhile, please listen to this somewhat annoying elevator music, which will slowly transition into justin timberline. If you would like to speak directly to the person you are calling, please hang up and try again. If you would like to send an email, please use a computer, unless you have a fancy new smart phone, in which case you'll still need to end this call. If you would like to leave a message in spanish, press uno. If you would like to leave a message in french, press trois. If you would like to leave a message in sign language, please wait for new technology. Beeeeeeeeeeeep.

I think i've said enough. But. . . . since i like writing, and i like reading my own writing, and i like laughing with (not at) my own writing while i'm reading it, i'm going to elaborate a bit more.

This is genuinely one of my real annoyances, unlike half the stuff i write about. I dread having to leave messages for this specific reason. One person who i know has a short message is "this is kevin. . . . beep" AKA kevin reimer. It's the only one i've heard that's like that. I'm pretty sure my message is too long, which is why i don't ever have any messages when i get back from traveling. 99% sure that's the reason. 87% and dropping. Ug.

Anyway, call kevin if you want to enjoy a nice short answering machine message. If you need his number, just shoot me a text, or call me. If i don't answer, leave me a message.

6 comments:

Hayley Jo Reese said...

Who is Justin Timberline?

MindySue said...

The reason you don't have any messages is that your answering machine is set up to answer in SPANISH.

HABBS said...

I hate that thing. With the smug lady that wants you to press one or just wait to leave a message but before you can push the button it goes to the message.

Matthew said...

haley - you know, bringing sexy back. . . .justin timberline.
mindy - negative, the spanish is a recent thing.
habbs - she is smug. i want to punch her.

Lara said...

Agreed. It's also why I don't check my messages. I used to be able to push a button and listen to the messages. Now I have to dial a number on my cell phone, listen to the smug lady blab about whatever, enter in a four digit pin code, press some more buttons to tell her to get off her lazy tush and play the new messages already...by that point, my boss walks by and I have to hang up anyway because I shouldn't be on my personal phone at work. Stupid cell phones.

P.S. my word verification word is "fabio." No joke.

Matthew said...

that lady needs to go.