Tuesday, December 21, 2010

Dolphins: They're Just The Worst Thing Since Freedom. Ug. So Dumb.

You guys might not believe me when i say i hate dolphins, but boy, do i hate dolphins. Out of all the aquatic mammals, dolphins are my least favorite, followed closely by elephant seals and blue whales.

Why matt? Why do you hate dolphins? I wish i could give you an easy answer, but i can't. It's really complex. Maybe it's because out of every animal on the planet, they're the ugliest, with that disgusting blow hole, and that disgusting mouth thing that they use to jab helpless sharks. Oh, and why don't they get a real vertical tail fin, instead of using that weak horizontal thing. what is that? it's dumb. Anyway, maybe it's how they smugly follow you around and do flips and pretend like they're better than you. I just know they're thinking, "oh, hey, look at this. i can do like a triple front flip. what can you do? oh, just sit there and swim around. wow, you really suck."

Do i feel bad that the japanese really enjoy killing these evil creatures? No way. I'm glad they they round them up and slaughter 2 million of these every year. I heard somewhere they made a movie about it. I hope it wins an oscar for best idea ever. Good riddance. The only thing worse than a dolphin is a pod of dolphins, which really sucks because they're somewhat of a "family oriented" animal, meaning, they like to hang out in groups and cause trouble. Anyway, there are way more reasons why i hate dolphins, but i'll leave you with these parting words.

A world without dolphins, is a better world indeed. Eff dolphins.


MindySue said...

You are a heartless cocoa-drinking, plasti-getting, miley cyrus loving fool.

Dolphins rock.

Jellyfish suck.

Courtney said...

they keep a special place in hell for people who hate dolphins, just fyi.

Matthew said...

Yeah, i've heard about it, it's a really nice place, with comfy couches and a pool. It's like a mini little paradise. They keep it there because even if you're the worst person on the planet, if you hate dolphins, they give you a special little place to hang because even God hates dolphins.

Pamela said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
Pamela said...

Dolphins can both swim and copulate for "fun".
Ironic that those are two things you cannot do.
...just saying.