Wednesday, December 29, 2010

Domestic Abuse: Only Cool If You Can Dance

If a tree falls down in the woods, does it make a sound? Yes, of course it does. If a mime falls down in the woods, does it make a sound? No, mimes are really good at being quiet. If a celebrity bites someone's neck in the woods, does it make a sound? It does, but it's ok because they're a celebrity and they can do pretty much whatever they want without severe consequence. . . . . . . lucky.

Prepare to be inundated with sarcasm.
*End of Disclaimer*

Do you know what i love?!? Besides tomatoes, i love it when we, celebrities (i'm lumping myself in with famous people because so many people read this blog, i might as well have my own talk show), get away with things that you normal people couldn't get away with, like biting, punching, racism, shoplifting, murder. . . You know. . . stuff like that! I just love it! It's completely acceptable because we have to deal with the pangs of being famous, like getting free stuff, and having fancy dance parties, and stressful vacations with lots of people taking our pictures, and adopting tons of different colored babies (next post), and working half the year, and getting paid too much.

I mean, if i could change places with a "normal" person, i totally would do it. Do you know how stressful our lives are? So stressful, and sometimes that stress morphs itself into a bite on the neck, or a punch to the face, or murdering a homeless man. Sue us. We're not perfect. I mean, have you seen the cellulite on (insert name)'s legs. Gross. Do you know stressful that is? Stressful enough to make me want to punch a tiny woman, and it's not even MY cellulite. That should tell you how stressful it is for us famous people to have imperfect bodies.

What i don't get is why people make such a big deal about getting lenient punishments when we do get caught. Have you seen our talents? Chris (names haven't been changed to protect the awesome) over there, can dance like nobody's business, and Winona over there, she is one of the best actors of all time. Did you see. . . . . . that movie she was in? I cried it was so good. And look at OJ. Despite having a huge head, that guy is/was a really good football player. Who cares if he killed someone. He can carry a ball down a field into a certain area and score imaginary points. . . all while people chase him. Crazy. I know.

Anyway, i hope you people get it through your less expensive skulls that as celebrities, we deserve these things. They are owed to us for having just the most difficult lives of all time. Of. All. Time. Do you see what i did there? I put a period behind each word to emphasize it. Despite being grammatically incorrect, it works because i'm famous and we can do stuff like that.


Cindy Lou said...

You should change your blog to be "matt's blog of sarcasm." FAVORITE POST EVER!

Matthew said...

i thought about the change, but i'm stuck on negativity. Plus, sarcasm is usually negative. . . . so. . . . .yeah. . . . thanks.