Saturday, December 25, 2010

Matt Irving: The Prodigal Son. . . . of Haircuts

Ho ho ho (as said by the famous Hans Gruber. . . . . in Die Hard. . . . one. . . . ). Merry Chirstmawhatever it is you people say around this festive holyday. I for one don't celebrate Christmas because it's offensive to all other people who choose not to, and since i'm all about not offending, i've decided to nix this years celebration. And i don't say merry Christmas, i say happy holyday because i know how uppity people get about that Jesus stuff. Anyway, i lied to you, i did celebrate Christmas this year. Not only that, but i dominated as a son and took home the award for best gift. This is how i continually take home that award year after year.

I let my mom cut my hair and then say it's her christmas present, that way, a) i get a haircut, and b) my parents love me more than my other siblings. I told my brother this and he used this really weak argument about how he's better because he stays neat and trimmed throughout the entire year. Pfffftttt!!!!! Yeah, like i said, a really weak argument. All i had to do was remind him of the prodigal son and he ran away with his tail between his legs. One haircut. Once a year. That's all it takes.

Anyway, i'm a master at free gifts, so for next year, here is a list of gifts to give your parents that are free, but will make you their favorite son/daughter.

1. Haircut - (as mentioned above, but is situationally dependent)
2. Traveling home christmas day - try and go traveling before the holidays for at least a month, then schedule yourself to be home the day before christmas, but don't tell your parents. If they fully expect you do be gone, when you surprise them, you will automatically shoot up to the top of their favorite child list. easy as pie.
3. "Charitable Donations" - donate to a charity in your parent's name and be sure to tell them. The trick is to not actually donate money and to use a name that sounds legit. Something like the "human fund" (thanks george).
4. Fake your death - similar to #2, but instead of traveling, disappear a month before without any communication. By the time christmas comes around, your funeral will have occurred and you can make your prized entrance.
5. The lost package - snail mail is tricky these days and taking full advantage of a "lost package" is perfectly acceptable. "oh, mom and dad, i got you the best present, but it appears to have been lost in the mail system, but oh man, it was way better than all the other sibling's presents. . . . combined."

Ok ok ok, there are a couple more, but since i would actually feel bad doing them (that says something) i'm going to leave them out. Actually, i lied to you again, that was all i could come up with.

Remember these tips and next year, you'll be sure to be the most popular son/daughter. . . ever.

ps. eat it, mike.

1 comment:

MindySue said...

If you give Mom the haircut for Christmas, what are you going to do for Mother's Day. Same thing?