Thursday, December 2, 2010

Self-Help Books: Yeah, I'll Get Right On That. . . Idiot.

I'm running out of things to be negative about because my life is actually pretty good, so recently, i've been relying on the ideas of people with crappier attitudes than mine. This one comes from Denise. Thanks for having a crappy attitude. This actually might be the first time that i've acknowledged people giving me ideas, aside from matt irving.

Self-Help Books.

Since i'm pretty much a master of book reviews (and promoting myself) i'm going to attempt a genre review. As stated above, this is the self-help genre, or more specifically, the crappy-writers-who-think-they-have-the-answer-to-happiness-when-in-fact-they-don't-and-in-reality-the-only-thing-they-have-to-offer-is-a-book-with-probably-a-nice-cover-and-a-bunch-of-common-sense-ideas genre.

Yeah, it'd be nice to relax for 8 hours a day and think positive thoughts. That's a great idea. While i'm at it, why don't i poop out some gold doubloons so i can pay for my 3 hour daily massage? It's not going to happen. My problem with these books is that they offer ideas that are a) common sense (the key to happiness is to not be mad) and 2. only available to people with lots of extra money floating around (the key to happiness is to have lots of money and material possessions). Eff those authors. Do they have any idea what the real world is like? No. Do i have any idea what the real world is like? probably not. I'm in my own world of awesomeness 6 months out of the year and do you know what? it's great.

The following are ideas on how i propose you become happy.
1. Max out your sick days at work: If your sick days go away at the end of the year, use them all. If people can get "medicinal" marijuana because they're "sick", you can use your sick days because you're "sick".
2. Don't watch people punching each other in the face: Normal people don't like to see real violence. I for one, don't like to see people getting punched in the face. That's why i avoid watching UFC fighting. You might not realize it, but every time you watch that stuff, you put yourself in a bad mood.
3. Quality vs. Quantity: Make sure your quality of life is greater than your quantity of life. I'm leaving that vague because i actually don't know what it means. I just thought it sounded good, which is what most self-help writers do.
4. Eat good food: And by good food, i mean Wienershnitzel. Hot dog, that place is good.
5. Observe other people who are worse off than you: Take some time and wander down town to watch the homeless. I for one like watching the documentaries on starving kids in africa. It really makes me feel good. If that doesn't work, try fail blog. I realize that somebody who is getting punched in the face is definitely worse off than you, especially if you're not getting punched in the face, but for the purpose of this blog, just try not to think too much.
6. Feed the ducks: Seriously, have you watched ducks. They're so cute just waddling around all cute like. quack quack.
7. Skip rocks/roll rocks down mountain: Nothing is more relaxing than skipping rocks. Nothing is more fun than rolling boulders down a mountain. Do both in one day and you'll be pretty satisfied.

Anyway, there are actually quite a few more arrows of awesomeness in my quiver of happiness, but if i told you all of them, then i'd end up average. Actually, i'll give you some hints, they deal with entertaining friends, not being cold, and getting people sick.

I'll leave you with one final one that is my personal favorite.

8. Tell secrets that were told to you: Essentially this is gossip.


Lara said...

If I take this post and turn it into a successful self-help book, I will share the profits with you. So you can get a 3 hour massage WHILE skipping rocks. Although that might be awkward.

Devery said...

Hmmm, I don't know if this is a good or bad thing for you, but this blog totally reminds me of Sue Sylvester's tv spot on Glee - How Sue C's It! Very funny :)

Matthew said...

Well, considering my blog has been around longer than sue's tv spot, i feel pretty good about it. Maybe she was influenced by me.