Monday, December 6, 2010

The Shake Weight: Seriously?

Any and all people that were ever involved in my birth should cease and desist reading. I mean, you don't have to, but i'll probably use the word handjob (two words?) at some point in time and i don't want you to be disappointed in me.
*End of Disclaimer*

Ok, this is old news. I know. I've known about the shake weight since it's creation. I may or may not have used one during the fire season this year because someone may or may not have brought one to work. Blake Wallrich. Maybe i should or should not have admitted that. Anyway, i feel like i probably should have written about this a long time ago, and i wanted to, but a couple things stopped me.

1) i didn't want my mom to read it.

Uh, that's actually it. I love her and i don't want to disappoint her, but i feel that i'm morally at a point where i can do this and the fact is, the shake weight is "the most erotic workout product ever made" - david wiggins┬║, and it really is an impossibility for me to not write about this. I mean, what i don't understand is how in the name of zeus, do the people in charge of making this "workout" product, not think "handjob" every time they look at it. They must, which leads me to believe that people are a) really dumb, and b) really smart.

How else could a product that imitates a handjob be successful? People must be really dumb to buy it (unless it's a joke), and people must be really smart to realize that really dumb people would buy it.

I'm not going to lie, when i first saw it, i was speechless, sort of embarrassed, and looked around to see if anyone else was thinking the same thing i was. I'm assuming they were because of all the snickering, which leads me to my next question; Do you think there is any adult on this planet that would look at the shake weight and not think handjob? I submit that there is not.

And just when i thought that the shake weight couldn't be topped, they came out with a man shake weight, which is heavier and colored black instead of white, because nothing is more manly than giving handjob to a heavier black workout product then a smaller white one. Satisfied shake weight customer David Wiggins said, "i tried the man shake weight. It's quite a bit harder than the female one", which leaves me once again, standing in awkward silence, wondering what the world has come to.

Anyway the shake weight *cough ahem cough handjob cough ahem* tops the gravity defyer shoes as the most awkward invention to hit the mainstream market. Does it work? yes, i felt the burn. Would you ever use it in front of someone? Only as a joke. Would you ever use it in the privacy of your own home? Questionable. Do i hope my mom still loves me after this? yes. Do i regret writing this? To be determined. . . . .

┬║ - all people quoted in this blog are real and the quotes are real and he may or may not be mad that i put them in because he didn't really know that i was going to quote him/her, which makes it better.


HABBS said...

Best update yet. Very well written, your mom is both embarrassed and disappointed i'm sure.

MindySue said...

If you didn't want mom to read it, you shouldn't have told her not to.

I did see these commercials and I did think exactly what you did. How could so many people have missed this? They didn't. It's impossible for that many marketing execs to have missed it.

That is what this world is coming to.