Monday, May 31, 2010

Letters to the President: Natural Disasters

Dear Mister Obama,

I don't know if you're aware or not, but there is a disaster occurring as i write this. I wildland fire is burning out of control and needs to be stopped before homes are destroyed. It kind of irritates me that you're just sitting on your big comfy chair in the oval office not doing anything about it. I mean, i'd at least expect you and your pencil pushing cohorts to be out cutting line or burning out, because you're the president and you should be able to do stuff like that.

Never mind that it is completely out of your scope of training. You should be there brainstorming with the Incident Commander on strategy and tactics. Don't they teach you that kind of stuff in president's school?

Never mind that sometimes even the Incident Commanders, men (and by men i mean men) who have trained their whole lives for these situations, become overwhelmed with the disaster and don't know what to do.

Never mind that sometimes, even though thousands of firefighters are working to put the fire out, it takes mother nature to stop it. Do your part. Contact mother nature and get her to put it out. That is definitely in your administrations' power.

Never mind that the fire is in some of the most remote country in the United States, you need to somehow manage to get there and stop the fire. Not only that, but you need to do it yesterday. I'm sure that being the president, you have the ability to time travel.

And what's this i just found out? Not only did you basically cause this fire, now you won't let anyone have campfires? How dare you Mister President. You are overreaching into my personal freedoms as an American citizen. Who are you to say that i can't cook s'mores? That is a violation of democracy.

The more and more i think about this situation, the more i'm beginning to realize that you're at fault for this fire. Not the person that accidently lit the actual fire, they didn't know any better. They tried to stop it, but they purchased very poor quality tools because they were saving to buy another house, and the tools broke. It's not their fault. It's yours.

Thank you mister president. You've single-handedly burnt down the forest.


P.S. Reagan would have put the fire out with his bear hands (yes, i spelled it that way for a reason. think about it.)

Wednesday, May 26, 2010

Fixies: The World's Second Most Stupid Form of Transportation

Ok, to get this out there, the unicycle is numero uno. Whenever i see people riding one around pretending to go somewhere, i just feel bad for them. Buy another wheel. . . or a bus pass. . . or walk. Pretty much, pick any other way to move and you'd move faster than if you were on a unicycle. And you wouldn't look like an idiot.

So, even though i despise unicycles and think they're the #1 worst form of transportation, i still despise them less than fixies. What are fixies you ask? Well, the urban dictionary gave me this definition:

"Fixies - Fixed gear bicyclists", which, if you've ever read anything in the urban dictionary, is severely disappointing. I was expecting something a little more. . . abrupt, such as:

"Fixies - the worlds second most stupid form of transportation. Most often ridden by pretentious hipsters who, along with all the other hipsters, put on a facade of nonconformity. Not only that, but [the hipsters] are dumb. Very very dumb. I mean, don't get me wrong. They are probably book smart, but in general, they're really very dumb at life.

Wikipedia has a "better" definition, but it's kind of long and not very colorful, so if you really are a nerd and want to look it up. feel free. Fixie. Nerd. But i digress. Fixies. Terrible little contraptions. If you didn't look it up, basically, it's a devolved bicycle. That's right. devolved.

At some point, some moron thought that it would be cool to stop the evolution of the bicycle and go back a little bit. "Simplify" it. Not to the bicycles with the giant front wheel, but just a little bit after that. There are no brakes. If you want to stop, you have to crash. At first you think, that sounds dumb, and you would be right, it's dumb. Also, the handlebars have become smaller. Not functionally smaller like you're thinking, but non-functionally smaller. Almost to the point of nonexistent. Think of holding on to a couple AA batteries.

Anyway, if you're thinking about dabbling with fixies, save yourself some time and just wreck on a cooler bike. If, after that, you still feel like getting on one, but don't want to spend the money, just go to a "local" coffee shop. There are probably tons outside. take one. it's on me.

Sunday, May 23, 2010

Under Armour: Equations for Life

Ok, keep in mind that this is coming from a guy who thinks that dressing up includes donning some awesome gold converse(Las Vegas, NV, Converse Outlet; forgot my shoes special. . . $20), a vampire tuxedo t-shirt (Price, UT, Walmart; Halloween special. . . Awesome) and no pants, but i feel like i have enough fashion common sense to know a dumb idea when i see it. Enter under armour.

under armour, in theory, is a good idea. Create a lightweight breathable shirt that allows the body to wick away moisture, or keep the body warm, depending on the style you choose. It comes in many different styles, colors, and sizes to allow any average matt to be comfortable in an athletic environment. Fantastic. Sign me up for 10. Hold the phone. Before you go out and purchase said shirts, be aware of some equations that will help you decide if you really want to buy one. My math is a little rusty, but i ran these several times and they all seemed to work out.

1. under armour + d + bag - regular shirt = muscle beach (in case you're wondering, muscle beach is a bad thing)
1a. muscle beach ≈ jersey shore
2. under armour + shirt over top + working out ≠ d+bag+muscle beach+hair gel
3. under armour + shirt + necessity = guy/girl/vegetarian who genuinely needs an under armour shirt
4. under armour + dog = underdog armour = next disney musical featuring airbud
5. under armour - armour = preposition meaning extending or directly below
6. under armour - under = british spelling of armor
6a. british = wrong
7. under armour - un - r - ar - ur = demo = a demonstration of the capabilities of something, typically computer software or a musical group.

So, if you gather anything from this quick little math session on life, remember that under armour is typically reserved for software and musical groups. think glee.

If that's too confusing, i'll break it up for you: Under = Under something. Try it.

Saturday, May 22, 2010

Allergies: Inconveniencing Those Without Allergies Since the Beginning of Time

Nothing is more annoying in life, then having to change your eating habits. Especially, when you're not the one with the problem. I'm talking about allergies. Obviously. It's in the title above. . . . Anyway, here is a list of new words i made up to help me out with this post:

Allerge - (v.) making someone change their eating habits because of ones selfish inability to choke down a peanut. Why does janice always allerge us? i wish she would just choke down that peanut and swell up because she's really making it inconvenient for us.

Allerger - (n.) guy/girl/ who allerges. No, don't invite William, he's an allerger.

Allergee - (n.) person who gets allerged. (note: the allergee is always the victim. always) Is Brad an Allergee? Sad.

PAA - (?) An acronym that stand for Post Allerged Anger. Often times used in courts as a defense for murdering an Allerger. The Allergee clearly suffered from PAA your honor, so obviously it wasn't his fault.

. . . . . . . . Anyway, what i don't get is how these people are even alive. I figured natural selection would have picked their kind off long ago, but for some reason, it hasn't. I think this probably has to do with the fact that most Allergers are stubborn people who probably gave natural selection the finger.

Not all Allergers are a pain in the butt. Some are good about it and keep it to themselves. That's good. I don't want to hear about it. Others, however, force their pain on everyone. This also happens A LOT with vegetarians. They force their vegetarianism on others and it makes me sick. For instance:

2 dudes, 1 vegetarian, 1 pizza. 2 dudes don't want veggie pizza, but 1 misguided fool vegetarian insists that part of it be a turd sandwich vegetarian. What do we do? The pizza people don't like to do thirds, so we're forced to make it half of a turd sandwich vegetarian. That doesn't seem fair. That's because it's not. Now, two normal dudes are basically forced to eat a turd sandwich that because of one selfish spawn of lucifer vegetarian. Hmmmm. sorry about that, i got carried away. Back to Allergers.

Basically, the Allergers themselves are fine, kind of, but when i have to change my diet because of them, i get really really mad (PAA).

Allergers, go ahead and eat your gross food, but don't force others into misery. Just go eat in a corner. Thanks. Oh, and you too, vegetarians. you suck.

Sunday, May 16, 2010

Sun Chips: One of the Many° Downfalls of the "green" Revolution

I would like to personally thank the vegetarians‡ and the other people who started the "green" revolution. You've ruined my life. Thanks.

Back before this ridiculous trend, i used to be happy (debatable). I used to drive my car around, double bag my groceries, and burn drums of oil in my backyard. Now, all of those things have suddenly become taboo. If i try to double bag my groceries, the vegetarians look at me like i just slayed slew slain slewed murdered a tribe of cows. Get over it. I really don't want my bottles to fall out. I care about my things. As i race by all those pretentious prius owners, they accuse me of killing mother earth. Get over it. I personally like to be able to put more than 3 bodies and a backpack in my vehicle.

You might think that i'm not a friend to the environment, but you'd be wrong. I'm all about cutting up the plastic things from six-packs before i throw them in the river, just so they don't miraculously wrap themselves around the ducks and strangle them. You'd be rude not to. But we have to make a stand. And this is where i stand.

I won't allow Sun Chips to create the noisiest, most inconvenient bag on the planet, just so the "green" people can put them in their compost pilesˆ. Have any of you tried to actually have a conversation while touching a Sun Chips bag? You can't. It's impossible. The slightest touch emits the loudest noise imaginable. The touch to noise ratio is off the charts. I generally plan my conversations around eating Sun Chips just because of how loud the bag is.

I guess what i'm getting it is that i just wish the vegetarians/"green" people would crawl back to the tofu roll they came from and let me eat my Sun Chips out of a normal bag. Is that too much to ask? In case you can't figure it out for yourself, no, it's not too much to ask.


°I'm not going to specifically blame vegetarian/"green" people for causing the gas prices to go up, but there is a severely strong correlation between the "green" revolution and gas prices going up. So severe that i'm going to go ahead and blame vegetarian/"green" people for making the gas prices go up. Thanks a lot a-holes, you've ruined America.

‡I lumped vegetarians and "green" people together because statistically, they are usually the same people. I feel they are synonyms for each other and i use them as such.

ˆ[i won't allow Sun Chips to create the noisiest, most inconvenient bag on the planet] = i'm really annoyed by it, but they're really good so i'll continue to purchase them even though the bag bugs me.

Thursday, May 13, 2010

Smug Gum Chewers Suck Eggs. Ostrich Eggs.

So. . . it was brought to my attention the other day how intensely i'm annoyed by smug gum chewers. You know who you are. . . . or you don't, whatever. Anyway, two things i'd like to clear up real quick. It is possible to be annoyed by something and then forget you were annoyed by it, only to be reminded later that you indeed were annoyed by it. It frequently happens to me all the time. To name a few (and by few i mean one) examples; smug gum chewers. . . . Two. . . . . . . [blank stare] . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .

Anyway, back to smug gum chewers, or SGC's as they prefer not to be called. If you're not familiar with a SGC, let me describe one to you. They smugly chew their gum. They chew it with their mouth open in a smug way, usually in a half-cracked smile. They don't close their mouths for reasons i don't understand and they love to have conversations whilst smugly chewing their gum. They enjoy winking while chewing as well as pointing fingers in the shape of a gun, and giving high fives. They are hard to spot while sleeping because everyone knows that it's bad to go to sleep with gum in your mouth.

Back in the 90's, the SGC's were the ones chewing Fruit Stripe Gum (the one with the zebra on the label), and as the 90's progressed, they moved on to greener pastures, AKA, Bubblicious. You're probably wondering how i know Bubblicious chewers were smug. Well, frankly, anyone who could chew that gum for more than 10 seconds and keep a smile on their face, was obviously trying to make people think they were chewing good gum, because we all know that after 10 seconds, that gum tasted like a turd sandwich, which, for those of you who don't know, is a mix between a turd and a PB&J. Little known fact: Most SGC's currently chew Bubblicious‡.

The last thing i'd like to mention is that not only do SGC's look ridiculous, they also remind me of cows chewing their cud. In fact, a tactic i use when dealing with SGC's is one i picked up back in the day (literally, earlier today). I imagine that the SGC is actually a cow and when they talk to me, i imagine a pleasant moo. Not the loud kind, or the kind they make when getting butchered, but the kind they make when they're super relaxed eating grass, or hay, whichever they prefer more. . . . . Ok, that's it. Sleep well tonight, knowing that you have a new tactic in your arsenal against SGC's.


‡Disclaimer: although the majority of SGC's chew Bubblicious, there is still a huge population that don't require said gum. Their smugness isn't based on gum. It's based more on themselves.

Wednesday, May 5, 2010

Bluetooth Headset = Crabs for Your Ear

I really can't believe i've never talked about this.

Safety Disclaimer: Let me start out by saying, there are times (actually, that should be singular) when you look (and are) less stupid for using a bluetooth headset. That's when you are driving. Some states have outlawed talking on a cellphone without a hands free, despite some experts arguing that it is the act of holding a conversation which is actually dangerous. Anyway, i'm grudgingly starting to accept the fact that it's ok to have one in the car. End of Disclaimer.

OK, so some people aren't really that educated on the etiquette of bluetooth headsets (bluetooths, bluetooth, or blueteeth for short). For those people, i've summed up the rules into one simple sentence, that i will elaborate on later.

Don't use blueteeth unless it is a life or death emergency. End of story.

For those people who just don't get it, let me elaborate.

When you're in a restaurant, you don't actually need to have your bluetooth in your ear. You aren't that important. I'm going out on a limb and am going to guess that you aren't making decisions that will effect the balance of human life on this planet. P.S. It's similar to "here, let me just set my phone on the table, i'm awaiting a really important phone call that is more important then any of you."

When you are in an airport, you don't actually need to have your bluetooth in your ear. You aren't that important. I'm going out on a limb and am going to guess that you aren't making decisions that will effect the balance of human life on this planet. P.S. If you do, don't look at people, it's creepy, and they think you're talking to them.

When you are walking down the street, you don't actually need to have your bluetooth in your ear. You aren't that important. I'm going out on a limb and am going to guess that you aren't making decisions that will effect the balance of human life on this planet. P.S. It's ok to hold a phone to your head. They won't cause cancer.

When you are conquering countries, you don't actually need to have your bluetooth in your ear. You aren't that important. I'm going out on a limb and am going to guess that you aren't making decisions that will effect the balance of human life on this planet. P.S. Yes, i realize that being a dictator makes you feel important, but honestly, people just think you're pretentious.

There are a ton more situations, but i've already posted a post earlier and i feel like i don't want to be one of "those guys" or a "two poster" as i say. I guess if you gain anything from this, remember to think before you use the bluetooth.

Safety Disclaimer: One of my friends, Chad (i think), created a karate move called The Bluetooth, which entails the victim getting the bluetooth slapped into his brain. I am not trying to brag when i say that i'm fully trained in that karate move.

American Politics is Inspiring

"[Kim Kardashian] contracted said '[Bieber] fever' when she met the 16-year-old at the White House Correspondents' Dinner last weekend."

. . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . [sigh]

I did a quick google search of the White House Correspondents Association (WHCA) Dinner and it took me to wikipedia. While i normally don't take what i read on wikipedia at face value, i decided to this time, because it's a blog and not a research paper.

It turns out that it used to be about journalists, but now has a bit more to do with hollywood, which is baffling. I guess what is the more baffling part is that the two mentioned above would be considered hollywood. I guess i understand the Bieber girl is some sort of entertainer, kind of. I've heard her songs on the radio, but what about the other one? What the eff does she do? I'm thinking you could call her a socialite. Wasn't really sure about the definition of that so i looked it up on the dictionary on my computer. Get ready for this.

Socialite: A person who is well known in fashionable society and is fond of social activities and entertainment.

Ok, so she likes parties. That's cool. Who doesn't? Since when has liking parties become a full time job? I enjoy the occasional party. Does that mean i'm dabbling with the amateur socialite status? Hopefully.

What i'm really trying to say is that i'm jealous that people can get paid to go to parties.

Sunday, May 2, 2010

Tall T's: The Rise of Idiocy

Since the beginning of time, man (and by man, i mean man) has favored functional clothing. He wore the woolly mammoth fur because he just killed a woolly mammoth, which coincidentally had a lot of skin. It's functional. Why not put it to use? Women on the other hand, cut the mammoth fur up to create a stunning, yet uncomfortable cardigan‡. Man was confused as to why she would wear something when it was uncomfortable, but quickly gave up because he realized he would never be able to understand woman.

As time passed, and as technology advanced, man adopted clothing that was more functional, ie: kilt, toga (only a man would create that one), flannel, etc... Fast forward (fill in the blank) years and we arrive today. 2010. There are no flying cars, which is a shame, and there are still no floating cities. Double whammy.

Business men walk around wearing ties (which, to the layperson, double as a short rope or whip). Outdoorsyish men wear the everlasting Carhart pants and a t-shirt. Women continue to wear nonfunctional outfits for the sake of fashion. Recently (probably not that recent) however, women's sense of functionality has rubbed off on men in a couple ways°. Enter the tall t.
The tall t, or tall t-shirt as some people call it, came from the streets of Harlem in the 90's. Since it's creation, it has fostered more nonfunctional styles of clothing for men, than any other style in history.

In general, the tall t is worn with pants that hang out around the knees. So in that sense, it does have a purpose. it's purpose is modesty when wearing immodest pants. That's dumb. That's like a girl wearing super short shorts, but then wearing a dress. DUMB. Anyway, In today's society, the tall t is mostly favored by young white boys, usually skiers and snowboarders. They've become so disillusioned with reality, they truly believe that their outfit serves a purpose (aside from the purpose stated above). Some experts note a strong negative correlation between the increase in disillusionment and GPA, but many critics argue, saying the experts are no smarter than orangutans.

The only hope huMANity has is that, like marriage, certain fashions are discarded after a few years to make way for new ones. Hopefully men see the stupidity of wearing a really long t-shirt and change their ways, before we fall in to the fashion vs. functionality trap that women have been coping with since the beginning of time. To all of you out there suffering, i say good luck.


‡In no way do i claim to be an expert on fashion. I wear the same thing everyday.

°I mentioned "women's sense of functionality has rubbed off on men in a couple ways". The second one was skinny jeans, but since i wear moderately slender jeans and could identify 207 reasons why they are more functional than a normal pair of jeans, i decided to not write about it. I'm biased. Get over it.