Sunday, June 27, 2010

Getting Paid to Throw Up Alphabet Soup.

So. . . . It's been a while. This isn't so much my fault, as it is everyone else's fault. Ha. Just kidding. I've been out working and haven't been able to write anything. I know everyone is terribly disappointed. While i was out working, however, i picked up the good old USA Today and was perusing through it. Usually, i just look at the front page, then i throw the "Money" and "Sports" sections away so i can read all the latest celebrity gossip. Usually. Today was different. Not today, i guess, but maybe that day. I was reading an article about a flood in Arkansas, when i came across this.

"What happened in the dead of night here Friday morning, however, was anything but normal."

Don't get me wrong, i figure that it technically is a correct sentence, maybe, but if you're writing in a newspaper that gets international coverage or even a newspaper that you write for yourself, why not try and write in a manner that doesn't make you sound like some vague philosophy teacher. "What happened in the snowy mountains here on the savannah, however, was anything but intelligent."

Thanks USA Today, i'm now 100% sure that i could do your job better than you. Not that i would want to, but in the event that i was put in that position, i would feel comfortable that i could eat alphabet soup, throw it back up on the table and still come up with an article that made more sense than the garbage in there now. And for those of you who are picking up grammatical mistakes in my blog or think it's too confusing and have the inkling to bring it to my attention, remember that: a) i don't get paid to do this. b) i did them on purpose to prove a point. c) you have too much time on you're hands. d) go suck eggs. And last but not least, e) even after reading that paper, vomiting in my mouth, and getting salt in my eye, i'd still rather read it than listen to what the monkeys typed up on fox news. I guess i singled out fox news because they are the creme de la creme of bad news, but most other news is bad as well. Just an fyi.

Wednesday, June 9, 2010

The Trifecta of Idiocy: A Lil' Jon Story

Is it just me, or is there an overabundance of rappers that start their "name" with the word "lil"? If you're curious, there are about 30, which is about 30 too many.

At first i was annoyed by this, naturally, then i was still annoyed by it. After a while though, i was still annoyed by it. I find it weird that rappers, who kill people for a living, would make their hardcore name be a shortened version of Lillian. Lillian Jon? That doesn't really strike fear into my heart. It actually makes me think more along the lines of a folk trio, which really isn't any better since folk trios give me diarrhea. TMI matt, T. M. I.

But seriously though, I guess it kind of makes sense. If i was a rapper and was really embarrassed that my name was Lillian, i would also shorten it so people would think it was a shortened version of Little. Although Little isn't that much better, considering in most cultures, being small means being eaten first.

Not all "lil's" are bad, though. Lil' Wayne does a lot of volunteer work at animal shelters, and Lil' Boosie likes to collect toys for orphans. Despite the good image that most of the "lil's" have, it only takes one "lil" to take that image, eat it, digest it, defecate said image into a toilet and flush said image down the pipes. One crappily(pun, SHAZAAM!!!!) named rapper/producer in particular, took it upon himself to ruin all the other "lil's". I'm talking about Lil' Jon.

Lil' Jon, or Lillian I. Jonathan for long, took the three most commonly used words in the world, "yeah", "ok", and "what?!?", and butchered them. I'm not talking butchered in the sense that he cut up the words and rendered them unusable. I'm talking butchered in the sense that he full on peeled the words' skin off and wore it around for a while before hanging it in the closet to dry. I hope that established my feelings on that.

The thing that baffles me the most is how someone, who obviously isn't musically talented, can compete in a business that deals solely with music. I guess i jumped the gun and forgot to mention that i'm using the word music very loosely. Lil' Jon isn't all bad. He is an inspiration to all those who were born without the gift of intelligence and music, and for that i salute him.

Wait for it. . . . . . . Do you feel it? It's a life changing idea coming and i don't think i'll be able to put it off any longer. . . . . . . . Ok, Not only am i going to salute Little Jon, but i've decided to produce low quality rap as a second job. PEACE!!!!!

Lil' Irving

Tuesday, June 1, 2010

Michael Jordan + Hitler Mustache = Slightly Confused Basketball Loving Jews

OK, so, i already wrote about this on a different blog that i contribute to occasionally, and i realize i already posted one earlier this evening, but i feel like i shouldn't pass up a good opportunity to bring confusion to all my reader (yes, i realize it's singular).

The video below is a Hanes commercial with michael jordan in it. Cool, you're thinking. A new hanes commercial with michael jordan in it. Maybe it'll be as funny as the one with charlie sheen. Or, maybe it'll have michael jordan with a hitler mustache. What? Michael Jordan with a hitler mustache? What are the chances of th. . . . holy crap, he has a hitler mustache.

I was under the impression that hitler kind of ruined that look for eternity, but i guess Michael feels differently. Does he just not have any friends at all, because i know for certain that if i had friends, they would alert me to the fact that i had a hitler mustache.

If any Jews read this blog, i'd ask them what their thoughts were, but since none do, i'm going to go ahead and make up my question as well as their response.

Me: Jews, what are your thoughts on MJ's new look?
Jews: Uh. . . yeah, kind of thought that look died out a while ago, but evidently it's making a comeback. Not too keen on it myself, but hey, if he wants to look like a genocidal maniac, it's no skin off my back.

I'm really just blown away that he had the audacity to look in the mirror and think, "i don't look like hitler". Not only that, but NO ONE on the set of that commercial brought it to anyone's attention that Michael Jordan, did in fact, have a hitler mustache. I know for a nearfact that there were probably over 50 people working on that commercial and you're telling me that no one noticed? I'm definitely taking crazy pills.

Anyway, i kneed (yes, i know i spelled it that way. think about it) to go to bed. It's late and i've had a very intense day. I hope this video makes you as confused as i was.

Things That Ruin My Day: Is There Method To My Madness? No.

You all might be thinking that my day gets ruined quite easily since i'm in a bad mood all the time, and you would be right. I am a habitually bad mooded person, and frankly, i feel there is nothing wrong with it. Have you been outside recently or watched glen beck? The world is filled with really really stupid things that are annoying and it seems that i'll never get a vacation from any of them. Here is a short list of things that ruin have ruined will ruin ruined willem ruineded haved ruineed rooened my day suck and reasons why. For those of you planning on using this list to ruin my day, go suck eggs. Ostrich eggs. Rotten ostrich eggs.

Also, this list is in no particular order.

1. Prius with "Obama/Biden '08" sticker: I was driving today and saw one of these idiotic cars with that idiotic sticker and remembered why i don't keep my Mossberg 590a1 9 shot in my car anymore. I was half tempted to drop kick those people all the way to china. Just kidding. . . Kind of. I definitely muttered under my breath how they chose a poor color.

2. 3D movies: Aside from Avatar, no movie should be made in 3d. Movies are becoming more about popping a baseball, dragon, or bloody pick ax at you, then actual acting and actual cinematography. Spend a little less on CGI, and a little more on Val Kilmer and see what you get. P.S. Does anyone else think he should be batman again? Christian Bale's voice is getting old.

3. Sex in the City 2: Ladies (the ladies in the movie, not in real life), you're old. Buy some cats and start smelling like cheese because you're going to end up alone anyway. I don't actually believe that you were in Abu Dhabi. Women go to jail there for dressing like you. Way to set an example. Accept that your lives probably aren't going to be fabulous for very long and go away.

4. Crying Babies: We had an incident at a vietnamese restaurant the other day where my buddy tried to take a crying baby and put it outside. Needless to say, it didn't go over well with the parents. In order to forgo the awkward wrestling match, parents, please don't bring your babies to restaurants when you have the faintest hint that they'll cry, which is probably always. I guess what i'm saying is leave the babies in a crib. They're not going run off so you should be fine for a couple days hours.

5. Shape Up Shoes/Any Lazy Exercise Device Including Those Electric Ab Things: If you're really that lazy, wearing a specific shoe isn't going to help you lose weight. Get off your butt and go do something other than walk to your fridge. And if you're one of those people that owns one of those electric ab things, words cannot express the bad taste i have in my mouth just thinking about you. Keep at it, i'm sure it'll work out for you.

6. The Pretentious Employees at the Apple Store: Whenever I go in there to buy things for my macbook, i instantly have a frown on my face. As i look around the store at the those hair loving, skinny jean wearing, chain smoking hipsters, my frown becomes more pronounced and i quickly leave before my face turns in to a black hole of despair. I've never purchased anything there for that specific reason.

Obviously, this list is only a fraction of what is bad in this world. I'll end with a paragraph of things that, for one reason or another, didn't make the cut, but are equally as dumb.

Diamond Rings. Bono. Blood Doping. Freedom. Low Riding. Escalators. AIDS. Steve Wilkos. The Beatles. Corn. Dogs in Purses. Reality TV. Font Critics. Carpet in Bathrooms. Tyler Perry. Big Houses. Textbooks. Colds. Jared. Democracy. Sleeping Without Pillows. Fiction Books. Baseless "Facts". Puffy Vests. Lil John. . . . . .That's probably a good one to end on.