Tuesday, August 31, 2010

Slim T's: How to Look Skinny but Still Retain Your Fatness

First, i'd like to apologize to all my fan out there. It's been a while, but i have a good excuse. I dislike writing. That, and i've been battling wildfires.

While i was battling blazes, i came across this little gem. The Slim T. Go ahead. Click on the link. you only need to see it briefly to understand what i'm getting at. In a shotgun shell (instead of nutshell because it's slightly bigger), the Slim T is a device that you (men) wear if you (men) are fat, but don't want to look fat. This is entirely understandable.

Scenario: Overweight man says to himself, "I don't want to look fat anymore, but i really hate doing things, what should i do?" Slim T commercial comes on. Overweight man's jaw drops. "Holy canola oil, i need to get a couple of these". Overweight man buys a couple. Overweight man gets them in the mail. Overweight man tries them on. Overweight man looks slim[mer]. Overweight man is still overweight.

I looked over the website a little bit more and saw a couple good things about the Slim T.

1. They come in packs of 3. Prime numbers are always cool.
2. They give you a six pack (not 6 shirts, 6 fake abdominal muscles) without working out. Six packs are always cool. Especially if they're not real, like calf implants.

Six packs and prime numbers aside, this is definitely on my top ten stupidest ideas off all time, just below engagement rings (next blog post) and serial cereal mixers (next next blog post).

i'd definitely like to see some flesh colored tanks, and not just for caucasians, but for all different colors. I mean, if you're going to have an idiotic device that makes you look good, at least try to conceal it.

One last thought (which was brought up at my nightly round table of negative things) is that if this device makes you look better and helps you get a girlfriend, at some point, you're going to have to disclose your secret (i love secrets), otherwise you might end up with some awkward/awesome moments. I'm pretty sure that moment might play out like this. . .

Man: Listen, i have to tell you something.
Woman: Hey, did you pick up the milk from the grocery store? I asked you to pick up the milk from the grocery store.
Man: Um, i forgot. . . . So there's someth
Woman: How many times do i have to ask you to pick up milk?
Man: Sorry, i'll go run to the store and get some.
Woman: It's too late now. I was going to make crepes, but i guess you'll just have to go without.
Man: Yeah, about 'going without', i've actually been wearing thi
Woman: Is that a stain on your clothes? You know, you really need to keep better care of your things. People are going to think you're a slob. You know what, now that i mentioned it, you (at this point, she starts to sound like the teacher on charlie brown)
Man: I'm going to get milk.
fade to black.

Sunday, August 15, 2010

Baby Names: A How-to Guide to Creating Unique Baby Names

*Disclaimer*

I, Matthew Irving, fully acknowledge that some of my readers have babies with unique names and i state that i am not trying to specifically offend any of you. That would take forever. I'm offending all of you at one time.

*End of Disclaimer*

Since technically i'm not a father, i don't really understand what goes in to naming a baby. I'm pretty sure some people like to name them after relatives. Some people like to name them after in/famous people (Adolf Hitler Campbell‡). Some people like to name them after fruits. And some people like to bastardize all of the above in order to create a "unique" name for their baby.

Personally, I'm a big fan of naming babies after relatives. It's easy and efficient. Your family will be psyched and generally, it's a win-win for everyone, unless you were pressured into naming a baby after a relative you a) didn't like, or b) thought had a stupid name. One issue is that after a while, everyone would be named the same thing, which would be very confusing.

When people name their kids after famous people, it screams idiocy, just like using the word done, when you should have used finished (cake is done, people are finished). I would definitely ridicule a person who named their kid michael because they thought michael jackson/jordan/landon/the arch angel/buble/vick/fox/etc... was a stand up character. Come on, vick killed dogs, jordan was a habitual gambler, and the arch angel was a wussy.

The one that gets me the most is when parents takes a normal name, like mike, and think that instead of making that child feel unique throughout their whole life, they'll just spell it myke and call it good. Why put a 'y' when it could be an 'i'? For the same reason you spell it daisy, instead of daizee. You want your child to grow up and not be a stripper.

Naming your child after anything that you eat or wear is also a great way to have your child not succeed, or at least a great way to get his/her teeth knocked out later on in life. "hey apple, think fast [as child throws a rock filled snowball at apple's face]. Also, naming a child after a genocidal maniac isn't a good idea. As cool as it would be to have a child named adolf, it was kind of ruined a while ago. Thanks a lot Hitler. You should probably also stay away from anything to deal with the prince of darkness, ie. lucifer, stan, satan, tim, son of the morning, andrew farrer, etc...

Ok, let's be honest, "celebrities" and people who like to mimic "celebrities" are the worst (or best, however you look at it) at naming their kids with idiotic names/spellings. Why is that? I'll tell you why. Because they feel like they're so effing special. When they give birth, they don't give birth to a baby. They give birth to a golden baby, and why would you ever name a golden baby with a normal name? That would be insane.

So, the bottom line is instead of forcing your baby to have a dumb/unique name, give them a normal name and treat them as if they are unique. Even if they aren't, you could at least pretend. If all else fails, name them matt because my name is awesome.

P.S. Only pretentious people keep naming their kids after themselves. If you're a IV or V, just stop.
P.P.S. If your name is similar to what is mentioned above, your parents hated you.

‡While i generally feel that fox news is run by a bunch of morons, this was the first article that wasn't technically a blog, even though most of their "news" is opinion.

Wednesday, August 4, 2010

Teenagers: Does the World Knead Them?

To make a long answer short, both ways of looking at that question are no.

Unfortunately, or fortunately (depending on if you actually like reading my stuff), i'm going to have to go into a little bit more of an explanation because it would really bug me if my blog post was so short. Ok. breathe deep. . . . . . . . ug.

I went to taco bell today (don't judge) for dinner because i couldn't decide what i wanted to eat and i blah blah blah excuses excuses excuses. . . .i liked every bit of it, so suck eggs. Anyway, my roommate and i were waiting in line, when the most annoying sound in the world started resonating in my ears. It was the sound of teenagers being complete morons. It started a nervous tick that i've never had before and it was strangely similar to what i would imagine punching one in the face would be. satisfying.

As i sat there, trying to enjoy my cheesy gordita crunch, they just kept talking and laughing and i kept getting in a worse and worse mood. It's not that what they were saying was annoying (it was). It's not that they were loud (they were). It's not even that their smug mugs were begging to be punched out like the time mike tyson punched that guy, then bit his ear off (they were). It's the fact that, simply put, i hate teenagers. Similar to how libertarians‡ hate obama. Oh no, universal healthcare, waaaa waaaa waaaa (should be reading that as if a baby were crying). Get over it.

Another thing kind of goes along with the literal meaning of the title. Knead. The world tries to knead them, mold them, shape them, turn them into meaningful people that contribute, but it seems that at every turn, they are there to resist. Not only do they resist, they are in open rebellion. These little bastards defy you at every level and it's not through any fault of their own. It's because their brain hasn't fully developed. They technically suffer from minor retardation, which would explain a lot of the crap i did when i was younger (the shrink wrap incident).

My parents are either laughing in irony, or mad because i wrote bastards, but either way, i feel that teenagers are on par with a turd sandwich. I'd like to neither see them, hear them, nor smell them. I definitely wouldn't want to share a bench with them and i definitely definitely wouldn't like to find them in the bottom of my lunchbox.

You're probably thinking, "matt, you were probably a terrible teenager" and you would be correct. If i could go back in time, i'd set things straight, but i can't, so let's just move on. Here's a little story from my childhood:

One time, my younger brother was head-butted at a jack-in-the-box by a drunk. I was there and didn't do a thing. He thought that it was because i hated him and it wasn't, it was simply because a) i didn't want to get head-butted in my face. And b) he was a teenager so i figured he probably deserved it.

Ug. this post puts me in a bad mood.


‡I actually had an adolf vs. Jews joke, but i'm not sure if i'm funny enough, or Jewish enough to pull that off. . . . yet. Give me time. It will happen. The Jewish part probably before the funny part.