Tuesday, January 25, 2011

Fortunes Cookies: They Aren't Full of Fortunes. They're Full of Crap.

I should have lumped this one and the last one together, but it would have been really long. That's what she said?

Anyway, let me entrance you with a tale from my younger years. Back in "the day" when i lived in pocatello, i lived with some really great guys. One day, we purchased a giant bag of fortune cookies. Somebody made a rule. The rule was, if someone gave you a fortune cookie, you had to eat it. This naturally got out of hand very quickly.

People started waking up to fortune cookies on their bed, or waking up to fortune cookies being tossed at them in the middle of the night, or waking up to fortune cookies being tossed at them in the middle of the night while a trumpet blasted in their face, or being handed a fortune cookie right after brushing their teeth, or just being handed a handful as you walked in the door. We all started hating fortune cookies. You'd come home from school dreading them. I mean, obviously, we're all adults and we could have said no, but nobody wants to be ostracized, and that's exactly what we would have done. Me especially.

So, we ate and ate and ate and eventually we finished the bag and decided that we wouldn't do that again. . . . i think. Maybe someone just threw them out. That would have been the normal thing to do. I don't really recall.

Anyway, the only reason i bring this up is because i had a fortune cookie the other day. It said:

"If you continually give, you will continually have".

I mean, that statement makes no sense whatsoever. If i continually gave, i would end up with nothing. This is a false statement of fact. That's like me saying "if you continually starve yourself, you will be full", or "if you continually sleep, you will be dead", or if you continually dress, you will be naked." I could literally go on for day, but i won't because obviously my time is way more valuable than that. Not so much in a monetary cents, but in an imaginary sense.

Another time, i got a fortune that said "you long to see the pyramids of egypt". Really? I Long to see the pyramids of egypt? I mean, I will admit that i would enjoy seeing the pyramids of egypt, however i wouldn't say that i long to see them, nor would i say that's any sort of fortune. Telling someone what they want to do is not a fortune. Me telling you your car might get keyed is a fortune.

Conclusion: Like the weegee (i'm not dumb, i know it's spelled weegie) board, fortune cookies are forged (and conveniently baked) in the fiery depths of hell, then distributed by chinamen.

4 comments:

Courtney said...

matt, how could you have missed the whole point of fortune cookies? you obviously have to add "in bed" after each one for them to make sense. duh.

MindySue said...

...and if you apply Courtney's comment the fortune makes PERFECT sense.

Matthew said...

then why don't they just write "in bed" at the end of every fortune?

Courtney said...

they're trying to be family-friendly, obviously.