Monday, February 28, 2011

Asian Cuisine: A Culinary Conundrum

I’m sitting in the airport, trying to front load my blog, so this is for a future post. I guess when you’re reading this it’ll be old news, but still relevant.

I’m quitting america.

Because of food.

I love asian cuisine and i just can’t enough of it. I can’t get enough chicken feet. I can’t get enough squid. I can’t get enough unknown rubbery substance that may or may not be dog. I can’t get enough of it. . . . . Ha! i’m just messing with you. LOL. LOLZ. ROTFL. I tried the chicken feet and they weren’t a good enough excuse to quit freedom.

But, as some of you may or may not know, i do run a somewhat, nay, mostly negative blog and i do have some small quips (debatable) about asian food.

1. Taiwanese people don’t drink water or allow other people to drink water . I’m not sure if it’s because the water tastes bad or because it’s toxic or if it’s because they’ve evolved in to a superior being that doesn’t need water or all of the above or none of the above, but whenever you sit at a restaurant, they serve you only tea and alcohol. I’m not a fan of either, so it pains me every time. Every. Time. When you do ask for water, they pretend like they don’t understand you, or maybe they actually don’t understand you. When they do acknowledge your existence, they bring you hot water in a little tea cup as if you’ve brought your own tea and plan on making your own brew right there. No. I didn’t bring tea. I just want water. A glass of room temperature water.

2. Although this technically isn’t food, it deals with food or at least wiping food from around your mouth (or off your forehead and other random areas of your face if you’re mark irving). . . . . Napkins. They don’t use napkins in taiwan. Sometimes, and i use the word “sometimes” loosely, they will put a tiny wet nap next to your chopsticks, but this is only for wiping your hands off before the meal. What happens when you eat prawns and your hands become a messy mess of the sea? Then what? Well, i’ll tell you what happens. You end up with the ocean and all of it’s contents on your clothes and on your neighbors clothes as well as part of the table and the ceiling. *Sarcasm* thanks for not giving me a napkin. I didn’t need it [as i stand naked in the shower (in short jean shorts because i’m a never nude) trying to wash off the crew of the flying dutchman] *end of sarcasm*.

Sorry, that was a bit long. Actually i’m not sorry. All of you need to know this in case you ever go to taiwan.

Oh, and the food is gross.

Friday, February 25, 2011

Do You Believe In Miracles: Yes.

Some people think america dominating russia in the 1980 winter olympics was a miracle. That's because those people hate america. We tricked the commies during the cold war not because it was miraculous, but because we're awesome. We smoked the russkies in hockey not because it was miraculous, but because we're awesome. I had a joke about the cold war and ice hockey and how they're both cold, but frankly it sucked eggs so i took it out. . . . . I think that last sentence was better than the actual joke. I'm psyched on it.

Anyway, the reason i bring up miracles is because i recently have been the recipient of one. As you may or may not know, i'm currently in taiwan for work. Also, as you may or may not know, there are giant packs of dogs in taiwan. Actually, i have never seen them, but i'm pretty sure they exist. Anyway, i was browsing the interweb and stumbled upon this. The miracle which i speak of.

That's right. Two and a half men, a show that for some reason has tricked people into thinking things were funny when in fact they weren't, has been canceled. This makes me really excited for two reasons.

1. I know that there is a God.
2. Two and a half men is canceled.

Out of all the shows i hate on television, i hate that one the most. I already wrote a post explaining this, so i'm not going to dive into the reasons why. Let's just say, and i mean this in the nicest way, that if everyone associated with the show died, i would be fine. Ok ok ok, that's kind of harsh. Maybe if all of them were in one giant coma where they could share thoughts and what not, but just keep everything to themselves, that would be a little more reasonable.

I'm just surprised that it took this long. If it were up to me, it would have been on the air for a negative amount of time, meaning, it would somehow give back what it has taken from society before it was taken. Unfortunately, this is not possible and there is a huge gaping hole where all things that funny used to be. Maybe over time, we could patch this hole and start over. I guess this is the first step.

Monday, February 21, 2011

Parking Lot Etiquette: Some General Rules

Since, i'm in Asia right now, the land of crazy effed up driving, i'm going to do a driving themed post, however i'm not going to do it on asian driving. . . . yet . . . and there are no guarantees that i won't mention asian drivers in this post. I won't talk about how crappy they are. I mean, i could. They're really crappy drivers. Just terrible. But i won't.

What i'd really like to discuss is parking lot etiquette, or i guess the lack thereof.

To make this easy, as well as keeping with the blog of negativity's theme of being negative as well as writing lists, i'm going to make a list of things that you can do in a parking lot to be lazy/make people extremely upset.

1. Drive as if you're asian.
2. Run into pedestrians (which could technically be lumped into #1).
3. Always circle the parking lot at least 7 times in order to find the best parking spot. If one is not available, park in the handicap spot. They usually don't drive anyway. . . . and they could probably use the exercise.
4. If you drive a truck, it's mandatory that you take up more than one parking spot.
5. If you don't own a truck, it's mandatory that you take up more than one parking spot.
6. Park perpendicular if you have to. . . . or really really close to other people.
7. Throw trash out your window, preferably right in front of some, even more preferably on to someone.
8. Call people namesª.
9. Park in fire lanes.
10. Run over toesº

Keep in mind that if said parking lot is covered in snow, then all rules go out the window and you should drive as crazy as possible. Chances are you're a moron and don't know how to drive in the snow so people will hate you anyway, but for those of you that are skilled in the art of snow driving, take advantage of the commotion and as fast and twisty as possible as you can. If you're driving a '88 honda hatchback, otherwise known as "the civ", you are obligated to drive like you're playing grand theft auto.

Take care and good luck.

ª if you choose to call people names, note that there will probably be consequences. Some of which might include getting your mirror and side window smashed out with a club (a literal club, not the antitheft device. . . . but now that i think about it, that could in fact be used as a club. . . . interesting), then getting your speakers stolen a few days later because for some reason, your parents gave the perpetrator(s) your address.

º if you choose to run over toes, note that there will probably be consequences. Some of which might include getting your mirror and side window smashed out with a club (a literal club. . . . not the antitheft device. . . . but now that i think about it, that could in fact be sued as a club. . . . intersting), then getting your speakers stolen a few days later because for some reason, your parents gave the perpetrator(s) your address.

Baggage Claim Selfishness: Almost as Selfish as Socialism

Scenario: I just finish my flight to Taiwan. I'm sitting at the baggage area, surrounded by 500 chinamen (is that not politically incorrect?) all waiting for the same thing. Their bags. A yellow line surrounding the baggage area indicates to the public to stand about 3 feet back from the baggage area rather than standing directly at it's side. Doing this would allow everyone to see while still allowing room to step forward and grab your bag. Nobody is doing this, which is incredibly baffling because in a country where queueing (lining) up means biting your way to the front of the line, i'd assume that a flat yellow line on the floor would be able to keep the masses at bay. Wrong.

Why are people so selfish? Especially when it's something as simple backing up from a baggage claim. I mean, just back up. Why can't you do that? Oh, is it because if you back up, nobody else will then you'll be a lone idiot who can't see his/her bags? Yeah, that sounds about right. . . . . it seems we have reached an impasse.

So, how does one go about changing everything? We could ask obama, but he only knows how to change freedom fries to marxist fries, which don't taste anything like communism (disappointing, i know). I actually wracked my brain thinking of ways to force this change that nobody wants, and i concluded with one way. The ultimate way of changing the world. Facebook. I'm not talking about trying to get people to change by copy and pasting a status update (click here for example). I'm not. It's stupid and doesn't work. I am talking about starting a facebook group called Baggage Claim Visionaries.

Unfortunately, said facebook group doesn't quite get the job done. I applaud it for bringing attention to this topic, but it's lacking in one area specifically. The ridicule area. It's called tough love, and sometimes it's exactly what people need. How do you ridicule? It's pretty easy. Use the words stupid and idiot. Sometimes even put them together as in, "that person who is standing next to the baggage claim conveyor belt thing is a stupid idiot". I know, it sounds harsh, and it is, but in order to make the change you need, people's feelings need to be hurt.

Stupid Idiot. I remember getting in so much trouble saying that when i was younger. Getting my mouth washed out with soap. Terrible. . . . . . Anyway, the next time you find yourself pushing and shoving to get your baggage from the carousel, just remember that you're an idiot. A stupid idiot.

Friday, February 18, 2011

Incompetency: A Must For Those Crazy Four-Way Stops

This may or may not be my last post for a while. I'm heading to taiwan, then new hampshire, then patagonia and i'll probably be pretty busy. However, if there are any of you out there who would like to be a guest writer, i'd love to post your negative thoughts. A couple rules.

1. must be negative.
2. must insult one race.
3. must offend at least 3 people.
4. if you use numbers in your post, make them odd.
5. can be anonymous if you want, but being anonymous makes you a wiener.
6. shoot me an email and we'll talk about it. . . or not. i don't care either way. It's just a nice way to relieve negative energy.

Anyway, i'm writing this really late because i would like to stay up all night so i can sleep on the plane tomorrow, but we'll see what happens. I don't sleep on planes very well, and i don't write very well, and i especially don't write very well when i'm sleepy.

Ok, what is it about humans, and their inability to cope with change. I mean, obama is just trying to change everything and people can't cope with it. They can't function. it's crazy. Also, why is it even worse when the change occurs to a human while he/she is behind the wheel of a moving vehicle.

So, i was driving to work today and one intersection wasn't working so it was just flashing red, which, to any moderately intelligent person means it's a four-way stop, but for some reason, people just couldn't comprehend this. They would drive up to the intersection and immediately become mentally handicap. Nobody knew what to do. Some people just waited, others didn't even stop. I'd say the majority waited. One guy was chatting on his phone and almost hit someone then stopped in the middle of the intersection, raised his arms as if to say "what's going on" and just waited. I wanted to just hit him, and i would have if i had a crappy car, and didn't care about consequences.

Anyway, If you ever approach a light and this is the case, obey the law (stop) but then just immediately go even if you weren't there first. People will applaud your confidence and gesture at you to increase your speed, but don't worry about them, they're just psyched that somebody unlocked the enigma known as a four-way stop.

Sorry this is short that's what she said. Hopefully i'll be able to write, but who knows. . . . . actually i don't care either way.

Wednesday, February 16, 2011

Work Meetings: A Camp4 Collective Extravaganza!!!!

Nothing is more fun than work meetings, am i right? You show up. The boss is late. Everyone hates everyone else which results in nasty stares from across the table. The occasional fart smell wafts through the room. The few people who acknowledge the smell steal a shifty glance at “that one girl” who is most likely the culprit. John won’t talk to Kevin because he’s still upset kevin ate his sandwich. Kevin won't talk to John because John put poop on his sandwich knowing that kevin would eat it. It’s generally not a good time, which leads to stupid work meetings. . . . unless. . . . you work for camp4 collective and conduct your work meetings skiing at jackson hole, which does in fact make said meetings somewhat enjoyable.

But before you all go getting in a huff because my work meetings are better than yours, keep in mind that just because they are sweet, doesn’t make them perfect. For example. . . . .

When we left salt lake city, we didn’t even make it past Ogden before being pulled over. I’m not going to place blame, but hennie van jaarsveld was driving so it was his fault. To top it off, somebody (not going to place blame) named hennie van jaarsveld accidentally punctured a beverage he had placed in his laptop bag essentially draining the entire contents of said beverage onto and inside of his laptop. This all occurred while the state trooper was running his name since he didn’t have his license (he lost 3 days prior). The leak incident was brought to our attention by somebody (i’m not going to name names) named pat fenelon who started complaining that his pants were getting wet by some mysterious liquid. We only found out it was the beverage after Hennie drove away with a hefty fine.

We were all amused (sans Hennie) that so many things had happened thus far and were convinced that nothing else could go wrong.

That was until somebody (i’m not going to name names) named hennie van jaarsveld slid his truck into a snowbank causing the passenger side window to explode in tim’s face as well as putting a hefty dent into the truck door. Ug. What a rough start. . . . for hennie. I actually had a really hard time not laughing. Not because i’m a jerk, but because i thought it was funny that all these bad things were happening to hennie and not meª

Anyway, we made it to Jimmy’s place after enduring the rest of the freezing cold drive (it wasn’t that long that’s what she said. one sentence). Once we got there, we geared up and made a quick run from the top of teton pass. It. Was. Epic. aka really great snow. aka fresh tracks. aka snow beard. aka worth the hike. aka awesome.

We got back to Jimmy’s place, had a meeting, argued about who the face of camp 4 should be. Actually, it wasn’t really an argument. My face got the unanimous vote. So sweet. I mean, i always thought i had a really nice face, but this just kind of cemented my thoughts into my large bulbous head.

After discussing stuff (i really don’t remember, i didn’t pay attention) we ate dinner then passed out in one giant bed. Just kidding. . . . . . or am i?

The next morning we woke up early, which is a relative term because it was around 7:18 when i woke up and that was kind of early for me, but for most other people we slept in. So. . . anyway, we woke up, ate some breakfast and drove to jackson hole.

The next 4 hours were kind of blur. In between attempting to keep up with everyone, pounding advil and tomahawking down the hill, i saw some pretty good skiing. I did drop one tiny cliff. And jimmy did get knocked off a cliff by someone who shall remain nameless. . . . . Pat Fenelon. ha. It was funny. Jimmy was on the edge of cliff and baller snowboarder mcgee pat came rolling up and knocked him the eff off the cliff. ha. HA.

Towards the end of the day, half the group headed up the tram and were awesome, the other half rode the gondola up and had a banger groomed run. Hennie and pat showed off there skillz while tim and i haphazardly rode as fast as we could down the hill. At one point, i was genuinely concerned that i wouldn’t be able to stop since my legs felt like jello, but alas i was able to and nobody died. Which is mostly a good thing.

Anyway, we bailed, came back to victor and argued about sustainability for a while. Only 3 punches were thrown and none of them were landed, so no biggie. If you’re curious as to who threw the punches, i’ll let you suss that out in your mind. Good luck.

The last day, we woke up and hit the pass one last time. It was so good. Fresh tracks. Couldn’t ask for anything better. Well, i mean i could, but i won’t. Anyway, we left a little after noon, drove to driggs to get the window fixed (ie polyvinyl chloride aka Saran Wrap) but received a call from jimmy saying hennie forgot his laptop. . . . ug. So we drove back to jimmy’s place and grabbed some food but for some reason, this confused us greatly and we forgot hennie’s laptop. . . again. Oh, and by “us” i mean Hennie. Hennie forgot his laptop again. Not us.

Blah, we drove home, stopping by my mom’s house to get some rice crispy treats. When we got to slc, we all went our separate ways, which was nice because i was so sick of looking at everyone’s faces as they were probably sick of looking at mine as well.

the end.

ª i was surprised they weren’t happening to me because on my way to meet up with hennie i laughed at a car that had a tiny spare tire. I mean. it was was funny looking. I would have been an idiot not to laugh at it.

Monday, February 14, 2011

Valentine's Day: Best Day of the Year

Psyche!!!! Eff valentine's day. What a stupid overly commercialized way to spend money on carp that isn't going to last a week. "oh, here are some chocolates and flowers." The chocolates are going to make you fat and the flowers are going to die in 2 days anyway. What's the deal? Why can't you give things that are useful like a vacuum or dishwashing gloves? Now before all you women are up in arms about getting a vacuum for valentine's day, i was talking about a guy getting a vacuum, so drop it.

But seriously, why can't you give a woman a vacuum cleaner? Nothing says "i love you, can you clean up around here" like a vacuum cleaner. Nothing.

Anyway, since this is a themed post specifically for this day, i'm going to make a list of things i'd rather do than celebrate this idiotic waste of time.
  1. Poke one eye out.
  2. Bite someone's finger off.
  3. Molestª a cat.
  4. Run over myself with my own car.
  5. Pour shampoo in my eyes.
  6. Pour shampoo in someone else's eyes.
  7. Read twilight. . . . Out loud.
  8. Call at&t customer service.
  9. Get a bowl cut.
  10. Mow the lawn.
  11. Watch "the view"
  12. fight rosie o'donnell
blah blah blah, endless ideas. Literally.

In case any of you are thinking that i'm just being me, i want to inform you about the true history of valentine's day, also known as VD day, also known as venereal disease day.

Some people think it comes from st. valentine stopping the great rat invasion of the 16th century, but they're incorrect. Valentine's day was created by the hallmark industry back in 1935 after determining that americans as well as most of western europe and parts of china had too much money. Hallmark, which wasn't doing well financially, thought that they wanted to be part of this "money" thing so they concocted a scheme to get money from the masses. Enter VD day.

Somehow, they convinced the general population that you must buy something for a "loved" one on this specific day or else you are a bastard. That's right. I said it. A bastard.

Anyway, valentine's day is dumb, so good luck.

ª before you sickos think that i'm sexually molesting cats, i'm talking about the normal definition. Molest (verb) - Pester or harass, typically in an aggressive or persistent manner. . . . idiots. . . . . As in, andrew hobbs molests children.

Friday, February 11, 2011

Ugly Talent: What Happened to It?

Do you know what i reminisce about? Ugly talent. What happened to it?

It seemed to me that back in the day, if you were talented, you had a good chance of being successful, regardless of your looks. This isn't the case nowadays. I mean, yeah, you'll get the occasional susan boyle, but really she's not ugly. I've seen uglier.

Why is it?

Is it because we're a society fixated on outer appearances? Probably. I made up a frightening statistic the other day that said 95% of life is based on looksª. Eff. It looks like i'm going to have it rough. In case you're having trouble wrapping your mind around that statistic, let me spell it out for you. Literally. hahahahahahaha.

Life is easier if you're attractive. You'll get better jobs if you're attractive. If you're attractive, you'll get into a better school, have more money, marry into money, have awesome dogs, eat better food, read better books, sit in better chairs. take better showers. . . . the list goes on. I mean, i could talk about this for hours, but i won't because that'd be dumb. However, i will do one more short paragraph.

If you're attractive, you'll have better eyes or at least be able to afford better eyes. You will have better health care. You will live longer. You will throw up less, if at all. You will be get better fortunes in fortune cookies. You will be taller. You will wear sweet sneakers. You will have gold teeth or chrome teeth or diamond studded teeth. You will wear large obnoxious jewelry. You will have large rims on your cars that spin. You will make it rain.

So the next time you feel like you've been wronged, just remember that it's no one's fault but your own. Or, i guess your parents. Blame them.

ª that statistic is real. believe it.

Wednesday, February 9, 2011

Fashion vs. Function: A Woman's Dilemma

I used the word "dilemma" incorrectly because technically, it isn't a dilemma. When a woman looks at anything (including men, which we'll talk about briefly later in the post), she doesn't ask herself if said item (ie, coat, shoes, car, man) is functional. It is specifically a fashion related conundrum.

For example.
"but this umbrella is sooooo cute. So what if it has holes in it. The colors match my eyes as well as my smock" - any random girl.

I didn't make that last scenario up. It's real. It's real for you. It's real for me. It's real for every human being because at some point in every man's live he will be faced with the daunting task of trying to convince a woman that just because something isn't fashionable, doesn't mean it's worthless. For instance.

Car: honda civic '88 hatchback.
Fashionability: 0-2
Functionality: holds at least 8 dudes with or without bikes. Tops out at 110 miles an hour down hill, excellent for driving in the winter. Best road trip car on the planet.
Conclusion: women might look at this car and think pile, but a guy looks at this car and thinks that he's going to put a bubble top on it once it gets to 300,000 miles.

Shirt: black. short sleeve. maybe has a work logo on it. . . or something like that.
Fashionability: probably -2
Functionality: the best shirt ever. Hides stains and can go weeks without washing, depending on the wearer's natural musk.
Conclusion: women look at shirt and think "no taste", when in fact, the wearer of the shirt has so much taste that he (or she) chooses a black shirt so as to not make everyone else look like crap. How thoughtful.

Pants: actually shorts. . . . . jean shorts.
Fashionability: 10
Functionality: The New York Times called jean shorts the swiss army knife of clothing. I call jean shorts awesome.
Conclusion: jean shorts are in fact fashionable and functional which means that all women should like them, but since they don't, it leads me to believe that all women are crazy.

Guys: me.
Fashionability: 0 (depending on whether or not i'm wearing clothes)
Functionality: crap. i'm not really functional. . . . i'm nice. but that's not really functional since women don't like guys that are nice.
Conclusion: Eff it. I'm going skiing.

Anyway, to quickly wrap the function vs. fashion debate argument. Fashion won hands down. Women will continue to wear uncomfortable shoes in the name of fashion, women will continue to wear uncomfortable clothes in the name of fashion. Women will continue to drive nonfunctional cars in the name of fashion and will continue to date nonfunctional men in the name of fashion. Props to you. Good luck with that.

Monday, February 7, 2011

Muffin Top: Not as Tasty as One Might Think. In Fact. It's Quite Disgusting.

Ode to Muffin Top:

muffin top, i love you so,
your fluffy outside, your squishy dough.
you fill me up from head to toe
once i have one, i need some mo (as in more)

but not all muffin tops are the same
because some people have no shame
They like to squeeze into their pants
even though they don't fit. I mean, don't get me wrong, i like to wear skinny jeans, but i wouldn't wear a pair of skinny jeans if it took a can of Pam and 10 minutes to get into them.

This isn't an attack on girls, nor is it an attack on overweight people because i've seen guy's with muffin top (i threw up. Seriously. Vomit everywhere. It was a mess.), and i've also seen lean women with muffin top. This is an attack on people who are incapable of realizing that their jeans are too small.

I mean, if you're physically able to wear the smallest pants in the universe, then props to you. Wear them. But if you find yourself having an aneurism every morning while you and two of your friends pull your pant legs on, then something is wrong. Somewhere along the line, bad decisions were made and now you're faced with the daunting task of deluding yourself into thinking that muffin top does in fact look good. Here's a tip. It doesn't.

To be fair, women (i know i said that it's not just women who suffer from muffin top, but i was just trying to be "nice". let's be honest. Most men don't suffer from muffin top) don't have many choices as far as jeans go. They can either wear muffin top inducing jeans, or the early 90's jeans that go up past their belly button. Those are their two choices and truthfully, not very good ones.

Which leads me to my next question (was there a first?). Function vs. fashion. What's the dill? Don't get me wrong. I'm all about wearing jeans shorts on a run even though it causes chaffing. But the only reason i do it is to make people scratch their head and wonder what the eff that kid in jean shorts is doing passing them. I'm a motivator of sorts. So in a round about way, my fashion is trumped by it's function.

Women on the other hand, put up with far too much in the name of fashion. They have left function in a dumpster in hopes that someone else will find it. Why is that? This could actually be a post by itself. . . . . . Yeah, i'm going to save this for next time.

So. . . . . . i guess, the bottom line is this. Wear jeans. Wear them all the time. Wear them to bed. Wear them in the shower. Wear them to your wedding. But wear ones that fit. And if possible (given the season) cut the legs off into shorts.

Friday, February 4, 2011

Stem Cell Research: Stop Killing Babies

As much as i enjoy being negative, i saw a video and couldn't resist being somewhat positive for a bit, but i'll try to intersperse it with tiny thoughts of negativity, or maybe a link to an explosion or something. . . . . OR. . . . . maybe a link to a puppy getting punched. . . . . OR. . . . . maybe a link to a baby getting punched, but probably not the baby or explosion one because that wouldn't be cool. Or would it?

Anyway, i was reading an articleª (and attached video clip, click here) the other day about getting burned and having your skin melt off your bones and how it wouldn't be all that great and it used to be really terrible because in order to heal your gaping melted skin wound, you'd either need a skin graft from your anal area, or grow some skin in a lab. Either way, it ended up being somewhat of a long process, which left room for infection, death, or worse, a bad day.

What this article/video talks about is how scientists (the real scientists, not the fake juans) have developed a "skin spray gun". This essentially sprays stem cells and some other shmegma cells on your open wound (if used in time) and your melted skin wound heals within hours, instead of weeks. Awesome huh? Almost as awesome as this. click here.

Definitely reminds me of my childhood. Duh duh duh, dah na na na naaa na nuh

Before we all go burn our faces off to test it out, there are a couple things to consider.

1) he said the police officer was a good candidate, so obviously there are specific guidelines in order to be able to use the spray gun, but it looks cool.
2) i fight fires and when i'm not sleeping in the woods, i end up having to work in close proximity to some big flames, as well as next to fire, and let me tell you, it's hot. Like, melt your effing face off hot and i wasn't even in the flames, i was near them with my head turned away. . . . and it was only until i got tired and went back to hide in the woods, which was about 2 minutes. . . tops.

So the bottom line is this: Science is effing awesome. Hopefully all those idiots that say stem cell research is murder don't get bent out of shape and realize that maybe it's worth it. Besides. It's just a fetus.

Science, i tip my hat to you.

ª ok, technically it's not an article. I realize this. It just seemed like the right word to use so go eat

Wednesday, February 2, 2011

Two and One Half Men: Not Funny In The Least

I don't get it. This show is not funny. At all. it's the same crappy jokes every single time with a laugh track every 10 seconds. It doesn't give you chance to think for yourself. You're told it's funny. . . . you're told wrong.

If you're not familiar with this show, let me introduce you to the characters.

"Hi, i'm charlie sheen. i'm promiscuous with many ladies every night, but for some reason, i show no sign of contracting any venereal disease, even though statistically with the amount of women i have had sex with, i should have more VD than 11/11/11 (look it up)".

"Hi, i'm the other guy. I'm not that important and i'm over shadowed by a 50 year old saggy-faced turd sandwich. I get really mad that i can't get any ladies like my partner in crime, but i'm super nerdy and slightly effeminate, so i just don't understand why. I mean, aren't nice guys supposed to do well in the dating scene? [no]."

"Hi, i'm a chubby little teenager who also makes the same jokes over and over again. It's not my fault that i'm given a script that compares to something a 13 year old would create, it's my bosses. Or maybe my bosses bosses. Not really sure. I'm going to go eat a twinkie and cry in my pillow."

Ok, i shouldn't make fun of the teenager. He's not actually that fat, i just got carried away with being a terrible human.

What i don't understand is the absurd amount of money they're getting paid. I heard somewhere (probably TMZ) that mr. sheen is getting paid $1.5 million an episode and the little chubby kid get's $300,000 an episode. I"m sure that other guy is somewhere in between. That seems like maybe a little bit too much.

I guess i just don't get it. How can people who do so little, get so much?

I guess i just don't get it. How can people who are just not funny, get so many fake laughs?

I guess i just don't get it. how can so many people be tricked into watching this show?

I would much rather watch a show that allows me to think about what funny joke they just told. Shows like "the office", "modern family" and "always sunny in philadelphia" are awesome because they're funny without forcing it down your gullet.

Two and a half men. you suck.