Wednesday, February 9, 2011

Fashion vs. Function: A Woman's Dilemma

I used the word "dilemma" incorrectly because technically, it isn't a dilemma. When a woman looks at anything (including men, which we'll talk about briefly later in the post), she doesn't ask herself if said item (ie, coat, shoes, car, man) is functional. It is specifically a fashion related conundrum.

For example.
"but this umbrella is sooooo cute. So what if it has holes in it. The colors match my eyes as well as my smock" - any random girl.

I didn't make that last scenario up. It's real. It's real for you. It's real for me. It's real for every human being because at some point in every man's live he will be faced with the daunting task of trying to convince a woman that just because something isn't fashionable, doesn't mean it's worthless. For instance.

Car: honda civic '88 hatchback.
Fashionability: 0-2
Functionality: holds at least 8 dudes with or without bikes. Tops out at 110 miles an hour down hill, excellent for driving in the winter. Best road trip car on the planet.
Conclusion: women might look at this car and think pile, but a guy looks at this car and thinks that he's going to put a bubble top on it once it gets to 300,000 miles.

Shirt: black. short sleeve. maybe has a work logo on it. . . or something like that.
Fashionability: probably -2
Functionality: the best shirt ever. Hides stains and can go weeks without washing, depending on the wearer's natural musk.
Conclusion: women look at shirt and think "no taste", when in fact, the wearer of the shirt has so much taste that he (or she) chooses a black shirt so as to not make everyone else look like crap. How thoughtful.

Pants: actually shorts. . . . . jean shorts.
Fashionability: 10
Functionality: The New York Times called jean shorts the swiss army knife of clothing. I call jean shorts awesome.
Conclusion: jean shorts are in fact fashionable and functional which means that all women should like them, but since they don't, it leads me to believe that all women are crazy.

Guys: me.
Fashionability: 0 (depending on whether or not i'm wearing clothes)
Functionality: crap. i'm not really functional. . . . i'm nice. but that's not really functional since women don't like guys that are nice.
Conclusion: Eff it. I'm going skiing.

Anyway, to quickly wrap the function vs. fashion debate argument. Fashion won hands down. Women will continue to wear uncomfortable shoes in the name of fashion, women will continue to wear uncomfortable clothes in the name of fashion. Women will continue to drive nonfunctional cars in the name of fashion and will continue to date nonfunctional men in the name of fashion. Props to you. Good luck with that.


Cindy Lou said...

Oh Matt. Your cynicism makes me feel like the brightest ray of sunshine to ever walk the earth. (For the record, I'm a fairly positive person, but I have my dark moments.)

Kira C. said...


MindySue said...

I have to disagree. While women are primarily drawn to something that is pretty, they do consider function on most items. I might look at a pair of shoes that are cute, but if I can't walk in them what is the point. I admire that gorgeous white leather purse, but you can bet your left...hand..that I'm not going to purchase it because it won't stay clean. I might want to buy a Dodge Charger because it looks nice, but price is definitely my biggest concern.

Fashion attracts women. Function keeps them around.

So I guess what I'm saying is that you must not be good-looking.

Also, you forgot to include the mommy-method of decision making, where we base our purchases on whether or not our child will be able to choke on it, write on it, or tear it into little tiny peices.

Kira C. said...

He also forgot the fact that the women he is referring to are not women at all. They are robots. Ever see a fashion show? You can't tell me those things walking down the runway have a soul. They don't. They only have lots of credit card debt.

Matthew said...

it's clear to me that all of you are just delusional.

Lara said...

Yes, women will continue to do those things...and men will continue to enjoy it.

Take those fashionable/functional jean shorts and add a pair of mile high fashionable/unfunctional stilleto shoes and, assuming the lady has nice legs, all the men will have the sweetest of dreams for a stastical average of eleven days. Totally worth it.