Monday, February 7, 2011

Muffin Top: Not as Tasty as One Might Think. In Fact. It's Quite Disgusting.

Ode to Muffin Top:

muffin top, i love you so,
your fluffy outside, your squishy dough.
you fill me up from head to toe
once i have one, i need some mo (as in more)

but not all muffin tops are the same
because some people have no shame
They like to squeeze into their pants
even though they don't fit. I mean, don't get me wrong, i like to wear skinny jeans, but i wouldn't wear a pair of skinny jeans if it took a can of Pam and 10 minutes to get into them.

This isn't an attack on girls, nor is it an attack on overweight people because i've seen guy's with muffin top (i threw up. Seriously. Vomit everywhere. It was a mess.), and i've also seen lean women with muffin top. This is an attack on people who are incapable of realizing that their jeans are too small.

I mean, if you're physically able to wear the smallest pants in the universe, then props to you. Wear them. But if you find yourself having an aneurism every morning while you and two of your friends pull your pant legs on, then something is wrong. Somewhere along the line, bad decisions were made and now you're faced with the daunting task of deluding yourself into thinking that muffin top does in fact look good. Here's a tip. It doesn't.

To be fair, women (i know i said that it's not just women who suffer from muffin top, but i was just trying to be "nice". let's be honest. Most men don't suffer from muffin top) don't have many choices as far as jeans go. They can either wear muffin top inducing jeans, or the early 90's jeans that go up past their belly button. Those are their two choices and truthfully, not very good ones.

Which leads me to my next question (was there a first?). Function vs. fashion. What's the dill? Don't get me wrong. I'm all about wearing jeans shorts on a run even though it causes chaffing. But the only reason i do it is to make people scratch their head and wonder what the eff that kid in jean shorts is doing passing them. I'm a motivator of sorts. So in a round about way, my fashion is trumped by it's function.

Women on the other hand, put up with far too much in the name of fashion. They have left function in a dumpster in hopes that someone else will find it. Why is that? This could actually be a post by itself. . . . . . Yeah, i'm going to save this for next time.

So. . . . . . i guess, the bottom line is this. Wear jeans. Wear them all the time. Wear them to bed. Wear them in the shower. Wear them to your wedding. But wear ones that fit. And if possible (given the season) cut the legs off into shorts.


Courtney said...


Kira C. said...

Gross. Any time I see extreme muffin tops I want so badly to tuck them in. If their muffin top is squishy enough to be shoved above their jeans, it's squishy enough to be tucked back in so I don't have to see it.

MindySue said...

I feel partially responsible for this post and I hope it's not because I'm in anyway the subject...but you neglected to mention when we talked about being able to see the outline of someone's bellybutton through their shirt.

Matthew said...

sick. i hate the belly button. I"ll save it for later.

Anonymous said...

Matt it's Jen simmons...not anonymous, just didn't want to log in to my account, how's that for lazy? Your blog is hilarious! I was in a bad mood tonight and you actually made me Laugh! For reals, and if you knew how grumpy I was you would know that that is amazing!