But seriously, why can't you give a woman a vacuum cleaner? Nothing says "i love you, can you clean up around here" like a vacuum cleaner. Nothing.
Anyway, since this is a themed post specifically for this day, i'm going to make a list of things i'd rather do than celebrate this idiotic waste of time.
- Poke one eye out.
- Bite someone's finger off.
- Molestª a cat.
- Run over myself with my own car.
- Pour shampoo in my eyes.
- Pour shampoo in someone else's eyes.
- Read twilight. . . . Out loud.
- Call at&t customer service.
- Get a bowl cut.
- Mow the lawn.
- Watch "the view"
- fight rosie o'donnell
blah blah blah, endless ideas. Literally.
In case any of you are thinking that i'm just being me, i want to inform you about the true history of valentine's day, also known as VD day, also known as venereal disease day.
Some people think it comes from st. valentine stopping the great rat invasion of the 16th century, but they're incorrect. Valentine's day was created by the hallmark industry back in 1935 after determining that americans as well as most of western europe and parts of china had too much money. Hallmark, which wasn't doing well financially, thought that they wanted to be part of this "money" thing so they concocted a scheme to get money from the masses. Enter VD day.
Somehow, they convinced the general population that you must buy something for a "loved" one on this specific day or else you are a bastard. That's right. I said it. A bastard.
Anyway, valentine's day is dumb, so good luck.
ª before you sickos think that i'm sexually molesting cats, i'm talking about the normal definition. Molest (verb) - Pester or harass, typically in an aggressive or persistent manner. . . . idiots. . . . . As in, andrew hobbs molests children.