Monday, February 14, 2011

Valentine's Day: Best Day of the Year

Psyche!!!! Eff valentine's day. What a stupid overly commercialized way to spend money on carp that isn't going to last a week. "oh, here are some chocolates and flowers." The chocolates are going to make you fat and the flowers are going to die in 2 days anyway. What's the deal? Why can't you give things that are useful like a vacuum or dishwashing gloves? Now before all you women are up in arms about getting a vacuum for valentine's day, i was talking about a guy getting a vacuum, so drop it.

But seriously, why can't you give a woman a vacuum cleaner? Nothing says "i love you, can you clean up around here" like a vacuum cleaner. Nothing.

Anyway, since this is a themed post specifically for this day, i'm going to make a list of things i'd rather do than celebrate this idiotic waste of time.
  1. Poke one eye out.
  2. Bite someone's finger off.
  3. Molestª a cat.
  4. Run over myself with my own car.
  5. Pour shampoo in my eyes.
  6. Pour shampoo in someone else's eyes.
  7. Read twilight. . . . Out loud.
  8. Call at&t customer service.
  9. Get a bowl cut.
  10. Mow the lawn.
  11. Watch "the view"
  12. fight rosie o'donnell
blah blah blah, endless ideas. Literally.

In case any of you are thinking that i'm just being me, i want to inform you about the true history of valentine's day, also known as VD day, also known as venereal disease day.

Some people think it comes from st. valentine stopping the great rat invasion of the 16th century, but they're incorrect. Valentine's day was created by the hallmark industry back in 1935 after determining that americans as well as most of western europe and parts of china had too much money. Hallmark, which wasn't doing well financially, thought that they wanted to be part of this "money" thing so they concocted a scheme to get money from the masses. Enter VD day.

Somehow, they convinced the general population that you must buy something for a "loved" one on this specific day or else you are a bastard. That's right. I said it. A bastard.

Anyway, valentine's day is dumb, so good luck.

ª before you sickos think that i'm sexually molesting cats, i'm talking about the normal definition. Molest (verb) - Pester or harass, typically in an aggressive or persistent manner. . . . idiots. . . . . As in, andrew hobbs molests children.


Kira C. said...

Matt you need a lady. And when you get one, I'm going to make sure she has a nice brand new vacuum with a pretty bow on it waiting for you on Valentine's Day. That's my Valentine gift for you.

Anonymous said...

Instead of flowers I got my girlfriend a guide to wildflowers in the Lake Tahoe, CA area. Now she can identify all the free wildflowers she wants without me having to buy any. How's that for useful.

MindySue said...

@Kira - You are awesome.

@ Anonymous - That is lame.

@ Matt - Curt got me a Canon G12 for Valentine's Day. What do you have to say about that?

Courtney said...

I don't even get to see Brent today, so yeah, VD day is kind of lame this year. Thanks for me feel even worse about it.