Wednesday, March 30, 2011

Super Moon: More Like Super Disappointing Moon

Do you guys remember when we had that “super moon”? You should because it was about a week ago. Anyway, do you remember how everyone was talking about it and everyone was so excited for it and it was supposed to be this massive glowing orb in the sky and then it ended up being a normal sized moon with no noticeable difference? I do. Because we were out shooting photo/video down in Patagonia and had hiked in to get a siiiiiick shot of Fitzroy with the super moon and some other things, and i remember very clearly thinking to myself “that’s it? I could do that”.

It bothered me that they (the news and nasa and nerds) called it a super moon. I feel as if “super” is kind of a word that you don’t throw around lightly (ie superman, super nanny), and to say that something is super because it appears larger (because it’s closer) is dumb. Really dumb.

It’d be similar to me thinking that someone is “super” because they were closer to me than they were 3 seconds prior.

“oh, dang, you were far away and small, and now you’re close and big. You’re super. I would almost think that you could fly or punch through a wall because of how super you are, just standing there all big and what not.” Please. I’m not a child, although sometimes i act very similar to one. I understand the difference between things growing and things moving closer.

Do other people? I only ask because i’ve had multiple arguments with people about this and they were all convinced that the moon was actually bigger. 25% bigger actually. As if it swelled. I feel that this country is in trouble. Not because a socialist is in charge, or because we’re at war with everyone. No, we’re in trouble because people think that the “super moon” was in fact a bigger moon.

I will say that the super moon lit our pathway pretty nicely since we were up before dawn and we weren’t using headlamps, but i feel like i could attribute that to the full moon, and not the super moon. The super moon was complete crap.

Super moon. You were a disappointment and i’m glad you’re gone for the next 20 years.

Monday, March 28, 2011

Scrapbooking: Not a Bad Way to Waste Time

Yeah, not a bad to waste time if you happen to live forever and you’ve done everything else and you’re bored as crap.

Anyway, I had a pretty involved conversation the other day about scrapbooking. I feel as if we talked about it for quite a while. The funny thing is, when we finished, we were no closer to understanding why people do it then when we started.

I guess i just don’t get it.

I mean, i understand the concept of space-time.

I understand the difference between possibility and probability.

I’ve started to understand the concept of quantum physics and string theory (at a very basic level).

I understand that when i don’t capitalize the letter “i” jason cramer is offended.

I understand honesty isn’t always the best policy.

I also understand some pretty complicated weather patterns.

I understand all these things (and more), but i still cannot comprehend why people would waste time scrapbooking.

It’s inefficient. Why not just use a photo album where you can put a whole bunch of photos on one page instead of 1 photo per page with some interesting ? Is there a reason for this madness?


I guess this probably comes from not understanding women. Maybe if i understood scrapbooking, i would understand women. Aaaaaaannnnd maybe if i understood how to light a firework, i would understand how to launch the space shuttle.

What’s crazier is that there are scrapbooking conventions. What the eff do people talk about there? What glue works best? How to create an aesthetically appealing page? It’s two photos on a page surrounded by other unimportant things. What could you possibly need to know?

I’m not apologizing for any of this. If you scrapbook, then congratulations. You’ve discovered the absolute worst way to waste time. Worse than writing opinionated rants that nobody will read. Way worse.

Friday, March 25, 2011

American Flight Attendants: Crabby Patties

Once again, another front loaded blog postº. I’m sitting on a plane and i noticed how awesome asian flight attendants are and how angry american flight attendants are.


They all deal with the same stuff. The whiny passengers, the drunk passengers, the black-out drunk passengers (hennie), the ambien passengers (nichole), the tall passengers, the passengers that accidentally poop their pants, the passengers that take up two seats even though they only paid for one (another blog post entirely), the passenger that has to sit next to the last person, the first-class passengers, blah blah blah, etc etc etc.

What’s the difference?

Maybe it’s the sense of entitlement that we, as americans have. After all, we live in a free country and everything belongs to us. Money. Freedom. Awesomeness. Why can’t we all have a banger job where people treat us like the queen of england and give us back rubs and bring us orange juice? Because it would be dumb if we all had that job and that’s not how the world works.

It’s like fighting forest fires. No matter how glamorous and awesome and queen-like people think smokejumpers are, there have to be hotshots down on the ground that actually do the work. Zing. Fires don’t put themselves out (actually they do). Do you know what else won’t put fires out? Smokejumpers sitting around making coffee and talking about how cool they are. Zing.

But seriously though, the world cannot function with only kings and queens at the helm. I mean, it could if you used a loose term of the word “function” but it’d be a really weird place to live. Lots of arguments.

But i digress.

Despite having a normal job, i’m happy. You wouldn’t realize it from these posts, but i’m happy. I don’t expect to be a millionaire. I don’t expect to bored (snore) planes at million air (google it. it’s a future post). I don’t expect to rule the world, although i’m not going to lie, i would run a killer world. Lots of dance parties. What i do expect are people to realize that even though they feel like they don’t have much, they in fact have a lot more than most of the world. Unless you belong to that portion of the world who in fact don’t actually have that much, then you can be upset (but what’s funny is that those people tend to be the happiest).

Another thing. No one is forcing them to have this job. If they hate it so much, they should just get a different one. American flight attendants (except for summer, she’s nice). Grow. Up.

º So, just to clear things up, this post was written on my way back from Taiwan, and i found that the only flight attendants that are actually mad are the flight attendants based out of Los Angeles. My conclusion is that most flight attendants are nice, except for the ones based out of Los Angeles. This is because they live in Los Angeles. . . . . . I think.

Wednesday, March 23, 2011

Bolting Rocks: An End of The World Scenario

This is a post that most of you won’t understand at first because it’s climbing related, but i’ll try to explain it as best as possible, so hopefully this is more of an informative one than just me barfing out words. It’s also possible that i don’t “get” it because my viewpoint is slightly different than other climbers. And by slightly different, i mean the right view point.

Here are three definitions of bolting. the first is the computer’s definition, the second is mine, the third is what i’d imagine the definition would be if written by people who get really angry about bolting.

1. Bolting: The action of driving metal pins into rock faces so that ropes can be attached to them.

2. Bolting: Putting a tiny metal thing in a rock that doesn’t actually effing care that you put a tiny metal thing in itº. Mostly only visible when either really really close, or if you’re actively looking for them. Sometimes, not even visible when you’re trying in vain to find one, only to realize 10 minutes later and 30 feet lower that it was right in front of your face.

3. Bolting: The worst thing that any human could possibly do on the planet. If you added a value of terrible to death panels, communism, and cock fights, the combined total would be 1/1,000,000,000th of what it means to put bolts in rocks. When a person puts a bolt in a rock, it warrants death, as well as trash talking on popular rock climbing forums, and occasional anthrax filled hate mail sent to popular rock climbing magazines stating the sender will no longer be supporting humanity. On top of all that, bolting rocks automatically puts you in the same category as famous figures such as hitler, obama, and satan.

There you go, if you couldn’t tell, number 1 and 2 are the most unbiased definitions. Number 2 especially.

Anyway, am i taking crazy pills? Why do people get so passionate about stuff like this. I mean, it’s not just in climbing. People get so worked up about a lot of things that maybe they shouldn’t get worked up about, like soccer (soccer fans kill other soccer fans for being soccer fans of soccer teams they don’t appreciate), democracy, gas prices, sales at department stores and twilight (the book, not the time of day, although i’d imagine that somebody getting worked up about twilight (the time of day) would be pretty entertaining. . . . . . “TWILIGHT, AGGHHHHHHHH, I HATE YOU”.)

But i digress. If you bolt something, you’re not ruining the rock. The route is still there, you can climb it using the bolts, or you can climb it using traditional gear or you can free solo it, or you can not climb it at all. Or you can look at it with binoculars wishing you were strong enough to climb it. Or you can not care about it because it’s just rock climbing. The choice is yours and the possibilities are endless.

Some people argue that it ruins the experience, but i’d venture to say that those people have a lot of other experiences ruined through “no fault of their own” and are probably pretty mad all the time.

I mean, at the end of the day, climbing is stupid, so who gives an eff?

º it’s true that the rock doesn’t care if you chip holds off, spray paint, blow up, carve phallic images, lay on it in jean shorts or ignore it. This is all true. I’m just talking about bolting, so eff off.

Monday, March 21, 2011

Born to Wear Shorts: Jean Shorts

Since the beginning of time, the age of man has been a work in progress. An ever evolving species that has overcome many obstacles, and yet still struggles with it’s daily existence. Most conflicts that occur around the globe are insignificant in the grand scheme of things, but there are a few that stand out above all others. They are not the conflicts that deal with money, religion, or hate. They are the conflicts that deal with life and the pursuit of happiness. The desire to be free. To be able to run and live in what we, as a human race, were born to be in. To be able to live in shorts. Jean shorts.

Humans have spent the last 7 billion years evolving into what we are today. A perfect machine. Able to combat diseases, withstand blunt force trauma, and covered in the best waterproof breathable covering, our machines could in theory live forever. However as life begins, so does the countdown until we die. The minute we gasp our first air, our fate, like an envelope, is sealed.

Along with the mechanics, the machine has intelligence. The human brain, which can weigh up to 14 pounds, is what makes us who we are. It gives us meaning, and has helped us create the greatest civilization on the planet. It has also given rise to human ingenuity. Ingenuity that has created clothing that has helped us combat the wear and tear of this planet, and has allowed us look death in the eyes and say, “you need a tan”. Ingenuity that has created shorts. Jean shorts.

About 2-3 million years ago, humans started wearing jean shorts. The natural organic cotton was easy to come by, which freed up time to do other things, like hunting and gathering, and creating crude feudal systems.

As time went on, the jean shorts industry continued to grow, as well as the other industries associated with it. The pocket industry, the belt loop industry, and the zipper industry boomed. The frayed legs industry grew for a while, until people realized that they could fray the shorts themselves. It eventually went the way of the sandals-with-built-in socks industry. However, despite it’s incredible success, the jean shorts industry wasn’t meant to be.

During the dark ages, kings and queens, thinking they were fashionistas, subverted the jean shorts industry and started pushing their own agendas. Suits of armor were the “choice” of “fabric” and their subjects were forced to wear them. But due to the incredible weight, and the awkward way they appeared on women, farming activity declined and the population decreased. Society was in a downward spiral and headed for disaster. That is until a group of T-shirt designers, who had stock in the jean shorts industry, got together one fall afternoon.

The T-party, which is now known as the tea party, was created to rally the people and fight the rulers for the freedom to wear whatever they wanted. At first, people thought the T-party was stupid, because of their ignorant and racist remarks, but as time went on, and the longing for jean shorts continued, they gathered more and more support until they had enough people to overthrow the ruling kings and queens.

Jean shorts were once again the clothing of choice, and civilization thrived.

The Renaissance, which literally translates into the “rebirth of jean shorts” gave rise to a long list of astronomers, mathematicians, musicians, artists, and olympians, who all attribute their success to jean shorts. Michaelanglo’s “David” was first created wearing jean shorts, but they were later taken off during a short phase of bulgarian nudity. Humans were on top, and life went on.

But now the jean shorts industry has once again found itself toppling down. Only in the last 60 years have humans shied away from natural cotton fabrics and started wearing synthetic fabrics. Most attribute this to the unholy union between the fabric industry and the french fashion industry, who bought stock in each other’s industries. They paid advertising companies huge amounts of money to blitz the public with commercials showing attractive men and women wearing synthetics. Greed fueled what we wore, and the synthetic fabric industry has been on top ever since.

Wars have increased, education is losing funding, and poverty is on the rise. Hatred has taken over where gratitude and love once stood and now dictators reign supreme. Even in america. What happened?

Somewhere along the lines, humans have lost their edge and i venture to say that it might be about the time when we stopped wearing jean shorts. We’ve come this far only to be shut out by the corporations that say they’re helping us. It’s time we revert back to what we evolved to be in. What we were born to be in. It doesn’t matter that we’re living longer now then at any other time in history. Jean shorts are our past and our future. I hope you would all join me there.

Also, i’m trying this new thing, you see, humans evolved not wearing sunglasses, so i’m not wearing sunglasses anymore. Also, humans evolved killing mammoths, so i’m going to start killing mammoths. Also, humans evolved not going to the moon, so we probably shouldn’t do that anymore either.

ug. Idiots.

In case you’re completely in the dark, i’m making fun of people who run barefoot.

Friday, March 18, 2011

The Segwey: A Segue to Success

Nothing screams money, success and second families like owning a segway.

What, fresh hell, is a segway you ask? Well, sit tight, because i’m about to blow your mind with a couple definitions.

The formal definition is: An uninterrupted transition from one piece of music or film scene to another. Kind of blah, right? Yeah. My informal definition (which is definitely a far superior definition) is: An awesome way to get around big corporate complexes and/or the park and/or town and/or the moon. Especially if you’re super psyched on looking like a complete idiot and getting people to hate you.

Is your mind blown? Probably not, because i lied to you about the mind blowing thing. It was more of a ‘head nod in understanding’ sort of situation.

Ok, my hatred towards dumb forms of transportation runs so deep that nothing, not the mountains, or skiing, or a sweet climbing trip, could keep me from writing this post. Not even death could keep me from this. Maybe, just maybe a nice glass of Reed’s Dairy chocolate milk might, but other than that, nothing. Oh, and a Food Ranch butterfinger donut. And cutting down a big tree. Also, nutella crepes. Maybe those. But nothing else. . . . . I guess if lost both hands it might, but i’d probably find a way. It just might take a while.

Anyway, here’s a list of some different (definitely not mainstream because i, like hipsters, don’t like anything mainstream) forms of transportation that i’d rather use than a segway.

Dragged through the streets by a team of horses.
An ostrich (however i’d rather use an ostrich to get around than most other forms of transportation including teleportation)
Any bus in Vietnam
Actually, any bus operating in the south east asian area.
A nimbus 3000. Duh.
A chariot, but only if it had spikes on the side
The worm (break dance move, not tiny animal)
The worm (the tiny animal)
A conveyor belt made out of hair (which, by the way, creeps me the eff out, so you can see how much i hate the segway)

That’s about it. i can’t think of anything else.

Anyway, one thing i found super ironic, and also one of the reasons i don’t use the segway, is that the owner of the company died on one. Well, technically, he wasn’t on it when he diedº, and i guess that was the problem because he rode off a cliff, which is terrible, but i can’t help but chuckle when i think what was going through his head as he soared over the edge. Probably “EFF MEEEEE”. I know that if it were me, i’d probably think “well this is ironic”, but only because i’d like to think God has a sense of humor and it might make him laugh.

Irregardless of irony, the bottom line is if you ride a segway, you’re an idiot and you deserve everything that happens to you.

º i would have tried to ride it out, but that’s how i roll

Wednesday, March 16, 2011

Weathermen: And Women

I dedicate this post to Michelle. Because wouldn’t life be nice if all we did for work was make 50/50 guesses?

I’m going to go on an adventure. A sweet one. And i’d like to know what kind of weather i should pack for. Is it going to be cold? Is it going to be wet? I don’t know. let me check the weather and find out. Oh, it’s going to be a high of 109 with a 0% chance of precipitation. I pack appropriately. I go on my adventure. I get rained on. I get soaked. I get snowed on. I get hypothermia. I die.
*End of Scenario*

Who’s to blame?

Now, i’m usually not one to cast the first stone, but that’s only because i can’t throw very well so i wait until everyone else is involved in the stoning before i haphazardly hurl the smallest rock i can find, hoping to hit the stonee, but usually i end up hitting a stoner instead. And since i’m on a streak of telling the truth, i must say that hitting a stoner with a rock is equally as fulfilling.

Anyway, what i’m getting at is i would be the first cast the stone, if i thought it’s what would be best.

So in the interest of this post, i will be casting the first stone. . . . . . watch out. . . . . . .

I’m going to go out on a big ponderosa limb and say that weatherman (and woman. . . probably mostly women) are to blame. Do you know who else is to blame? The nazis. . . . and obama.

Anyway, I really don’t get it. Weathermen (and women), whose sole job is to predict one thing, the weather, can never get it right. What the french? I mean, they don’t even have to be really precise and people are satisfied (even though we shouldn’t be).

I’m not asking them to forecast temperatures and rain down to the 3rd decimal. That would be a bit much. All i ask is that they get it close to what it would be if i stuck my head out the window and looked up. Instead we get these random predictions that in no way resemble what is actually going on. Effing weather people. You make me sick. You and your bad hair.

You drive around in your fancy cars and you drink your hot coffee and you make crappy predictions and think you’re so cool because you have the easiest job on the planet. Well, i have news for you. Everybody hates you.

OK, the truth is, i’m just jealous. I wish my job could be based on 50/50 guesses instead of actual work. And i use the words “actual work” in a very loose sense. A very. loose. sense.

Monday, March 14, 2011

Teachers: Glorified Babysitter


If you are of the kind of idiot that thinks it would be a good idea to cut teachers salary and educational funding you might want to quit reading because i’m going to call you an idiot and say some really mean things about you.

*End of Disclaimer*

If you think it would be a good idea to cut teachers salary and educational funding, you’re an idiot. A serious idiot who has no business making decisions for your own life, let a lone other people’s. And you probably have terrible taste in music as well as smelly feet. . . . . and you’re ugly.

*enter the magical golden world of sarcasm*

I mean, It’s cool that americaº hates teachers. It’s completely understandable. They’re overpaid underworked babysitters who go to school, sit on their thumb or thumbs, then clock out at the end of the day. Real cool. I mean, if i could fabricate a scale of coolness, i would rank hating teachers on par with the keytar, but slightly higher than racism.

*exiting the magical golden world of sarcasm*

I understand that not all teachers are great teachers, just like not all humans are great humans. With as many teachers as we employ, we’re bound to get some crappy ones. It doesn’t mean that we get rid of all the teachers. gIt means that maybe weª need to take a closer look at the situation and the programs that are in question and we need to perform studies and take our time when making these decisions. Some things aren’t meant to be rushed. Like making a sweet hamburglar.

For instance i heard about a bill in idaho currently in the process of being passed where teachers get canned and instead, students will learn on laptops (probably a broad generalization of the bill, and actually i didn’t do any research on it at all so it’s probably biased). Yeah, that’s a great idea. Give students laptops and internet access and expect them to learn and not get on facebook and youtube. Real smart.

The same people that browse facebook and youtube at work all day think that kids will somehow be different. Lunacy!

I think people don’t realize the importance of having teachers. Or maybe they do, but they just don’t care. Or maybe they do, but they think that they don’t have kids so why should they pay for them.

Well, in case your nationalistic brains can’t wrap around it, i’ll let you in on a little secret. America, like a student, needs to work to stay in power. People complain about others feeling entitled to certain things (healthcare, a good education), when they themselves suffer the same entitlement, in a broader sense. Go ahead. Cut education. See what happens.

Maybe it’s just me, but i feel like a good way to stay on top is to create a great education system that creates great minds that eventually create a teleporter, because that’d be sweet.

º by america i mean red necks

ª by we i mean other people because i don’t really care about education.

Friday, March 11, 2011

Autotune: An Electronically “Enhanced” Post. . . . also with a bit of kesha.


Whenever you read the word AUTOTUNE, please read it as if a robot is saying it in a high pitched robot voice.

*End of Attention. . . . well, i mean, you shouldn’t stop paying attention because i probably have some witty sarcasm and you’ll miss it if you do, but it’s just the end of that important message. . . . . . .never mind*

Anyway, some of you might not be fully aware of what AUTOTUNE is so i’m going to fill you in. Here’s a quick and dirty definition.

AUTOTUNE: The act of hiring one or two robots to fill in and emulate the musical notes the singer is intending to sing, but due to his/her ability (or inability depending on how you look at it), is unable to.

Fans of the AUTOTUNE often describe it as enhancing the voice, but i feel like if you use the word enhance, it implies that the voice is already good, but the AUTOTUNE just makes it better. I guess their description is correct, in the same sense that ciabatta bread and mustard enhances a turd sandwich.

What path have we chosen in which the end result is being entertained (word used in a very subjective way) by a bunch of robots? What’s next? Cyberdyne Systems getting lucrative contracts from the united states military? I hope not. That (like glenn beck) has armageddon written all over it. All capitalized. In Bold. And Italics. And Underlined. With an ominous font. Followed by three exclamation points. With maybe blood dripping down from the font. And the font is red. And now take the underline away. Make the word flashing. Get the picture?

All fonts aside, i’ve always been under the impression that if you couldn’t sing certain notes then you should sing music in which you don’t have to hit said notes. Not hire a robot to do it for you.

Enter kesha (I’m not doing that stupid dollar sign thing. it’s stupid).

Kesha is kind of an “artist” who not only fully embraced AUTOTUNE, but was intimate with it in a very illegal way. Meaning, she doesn’t just use it occasionally. It is fully incorporated into all of her “music”.

That being said, i did see a music video with her and a bunch of unicorn people and was strangely enthralled. At this point i would usually put a link to the music video, but i feel like it would be a disservice to my readers. If you’re still psyched, click here and type in kesha music video unicorns and i’m sure you could find it.

Ok, i shouldn’t pick on her. She wasn’t the first to use AUTOTUNE, nor will she be the last. It’s just that stupid dollar sign thing really bugs me on a primitive level. That and the fact that she can’t sing and is getting paid money to sing.


I just wish we could all hearken back to a time when music was music and the people were awesome. Oh, you’d like to be there? click here.

Wednesday, March 9, 2011

Sports: If Only There Was Something Better To Do. . . .


If you watch sports, you probably don’t want to read this because i’m essentially going to call you an idiot.

*End of Disclaimer*

If you watch sports, you’re an idiot. . . . . I told you not to keep reading.

I thought it would be funny to just end it after that last sentence, but i like to read my own writing and it wouldn’t be fair to me if i did that, so i won’t.

I’m writing this is because of all the unrest that is going on around the world. Matt, how on earth are you going to tie in unrest and sports? I’ll tell you how. Because i’m the man, that’s how.

Ok, how much happier would the people in egypt be if they had tons of sports to watch like we did (assuming that they don’t, because it’s egypt and they still have pharaohs and what not)? I mean at the end of the day, who cares what’s going on around you as long as your team wins the superbowl or the. . . . i can’t even think of any of the other big tournaments. That’s how cool i am. Really i can’t. Now it’s kind of bugging me. Hold on. . . . . . The world series? that doesn’t seem right since i’ve never heard of anyone else in the world playing in it.

Anyway, that’s not the point. The point is this. What better way to dumb down the masses, then to get them to care about things other than what’s going on in the government. We (and by we, i mean you) watch these sports and we invest so much energy and time and money into these things that when something occurs in our lives that maybe we don’t agree with, we turn a blind eye and instead turn on the television. We look away and focus on grown men throwing an effing ball around like Cro-Magnon man.

Really? You’d rather watch men in spandex groping each other than be informed on what’s going on in the world? That’s right. The two are exclusive. If you love one, then you despise the other. That’s how it works.

How much better off would the world be if people had priorities that were more conducive to an aweseomely functioning government? Keep in mind i say this as i spend countless hours writing opinionated letters to the world and checking facebook to see if anyone “liked” them. Turns out i’m a hypocrite. . . . and i don't vote.

Anyway, I’ll leave you with this quote:

“Watching sports is a boring waste of life and time. Losers are still losers and people who watch from the benches spending hundreds of dollars to waste 2 hours of their lives watching men get sweaty are the biggest ones.”

-will zurk-

Monday, March 7, 2011

How to Piss People Off In One Easy Step: I'll Give You A Hint. It Rhymes With Shmenocide

There is nothing more fun then making somebody mad to the point of turning red. It’s just something that i thoroughly enjoy doing. Whether it’s writing about them on this blog, sending them tiny bombs in the mail, or tripping them in the grocery store, it really just makes my day to hear them scream “MAAAAAAATTTTTTTT” in hate, similar to the way captain kirk screams the name “KAAAAAAAHHHHHNN”. So awesome.

Anyway, like the title eludes, genocide would be an easy way to piss people off, but it’s pretty terrible and not all that classy. Nobody likes a genocidist (one who genocides), but if you look in the newspapers and on the interweb, everyone loves a nice d-bag. Seriously. You’d think being a d-bag would exclude you from being popular, but for some reason, people love hanging out with d-bags. Especially women.

Anyway, with no further ado, i present to you matt’s simple guide to pissing people off in one easy step. . . .and by one easy step i mean several complicated steps. . . . and by several complicated steps, i mean fiveº fairly straightforward steps. Ok.

1.You really want to be on your game, so prepare the night before by carbo-loading. Eat a bunch of pasta, or some crab legs. You never know when you might be running until you throw up. Don’t laugh. You think being chased by a 300 pound angry man is funny? You wouldn’t if he caught you. Be prepared. I thought i’d never use that phrase after cub scouts, but it turned out to be quite handy.

2. Take self offense classes. Most people take self defense classes, but if you want the upper hand, you need to be prepared to offend people before they can defend themselves, so take a class or two a couple weeks prior to your offense. Ideally, you would enroll in a semester-long self offense class at your local university, but not everyone is in school, which is a nice segue into. . .

3. Go to school. It has more to do with offending people than you think. Nothing helps offending more than witty sarcasm. Whether it actually be offensive, or just using words above the offendee’s skill set, it’s very important that you educate yourself so as to be smarter than the other person. If that ship has sailed, stick to offending people on the interweb (like a blog or something) and use a dictionary and thesaurus.

4. For guys, it’s pretty important that you grow facial hair. It’ll add 10 points to your intimidation scale, unless it’s really pathetic facial hair in which case you’ll have to start about 6 months in advance to get it looking as disgusting as possible. Instead of intimidating the victim, you’ll want to disgust them. Both options work, but being disgusting is kind of gross, just saying. For women, we take it in kind of the opposite direction. Women need to be as petite and innocent as possible, so wear stripes or whatever and pretend to be nice.

5. The fifth and final step is the most important. This is where we actually piss the person off. Start by punching them in the face and end with getting the eff out of there.

Good luck.

º Number 6. is optional and it involves hiding a small poop in the offendee’s pillow, but let’s be honest, nobody but kevin reimer would do something like that.

Friday, March 4, 2011

Gumby Jocks: Technically Not My Opinion

Ok, i'm not sure if everyone is going to "get" this next post because it's kind of about climbing and if you don't climb or have only climbed a couple times, then you either won't understand the group i'm talking about or you'll belong to the group i'm talking about. If do "climb" a lot and you still don't understand it, then you're most definitely in the group. Sorry.

That being said, this topic was given to me by a person we'll call M. Usually at this point, i'd reveal who it is because i'm usually a jerk like that, but i'll hold back and actually keep this one a secret. But anyone who knows me knows that i can't keep secrets, so we'll see how this one plays out. Interlaced in the next paragraph is my commentary surrounded by [this].


"Do you know what bothers me?!? Gumby jocks. yeah. The dudes who come to the gym wearing soccer warm ups [soccer shorts] and pretend to campus [climb with only your arms] and be strong, when they're really not [they're not]. Do know what else? [what?] They pretend to do one arm pull-ups while holding on to their wrist with the other hand [it's true]. That's not a one arm [it's not]. Stupid idiots [they are]. And get out of my way [get out]. And stop trying to talk to me [stop talking]. I have earbuds in [in]- can't you see i don't want to make small talk [i'm blind]!?! Again, stupid idiots."


Despite having some grammatical errors, M nailed it. I especially liked that they used the phrase stupid idiot. Very negative if you ask me. Very negative even if you don't ask me. Very negative if you ask your neighbor. Not very negative if you ask the homeless man down the street, but he has other things to worry about, so i probably wouldn't waste too much time worrying about it.

Anyway, to be clear, it's not the fact that they're not that good. I'm not that good. It's not even the fact that their sole purpose of climbing is looking good, because most everyone's sole purpose of climbing is looking good. It's the fact that they think they look good wearing soccer shorts. I mean, jean shorts? Understandable. Sleek, somewhat awesome, with a pinch of snug, but soccer shorts? No thanks, i don't want to see your sideburns when you climb in the cave. Oh come on, i said i don't want to see them. Seriously. Mine are bad enough.

This post is dedicated to chad, because despite wearing soccer shorts, he still climbs harder than all of us.

Thanks M.

Wednesday, March 2, 2011

High School Reunions: I’d Rather Peel The Skin Off My Body


If i attended high school with you, you might not want to read this. Just saying.

*End of Disclaimer*

My 10 year class reunion is coming up. And by coming up, i mean next year. So i guess it’s not really coming up. Well, i mean it is, but i made it sound more urgent than it actually is. . . . . was? . . . . . is? . . . . . never mind. 10 years out of high school. Eff.

What does this mean? Two things.

1. i’m getting old.

2. i need to prepare to take home most successful person, instead of biggest parental disappointment.

Let’s be candid here for a second or two or five. There is no other function a class reunion serves than to scope out the people you disliked in high school and ensure that you are better off than them. It’s like a miniaturized real life version of facebook, except you can’t ignore the friend requests or their wall posts or their messages or their updates. This is why i have never gone, nor will i ever go to one.

Ok, that sounds vain, but only because it is. Ha! Just kidding. Kind of. But seriously, i don’t ignore people on facebook. I used to, but that was back when i was immature. I’ve grown up a little and realized the importance of social media. Especially when it comes to self esteem.

Anyway, back to the reunion thing. Most people i went to school with are married with kids and careers and lives, and while i have chosen a slightly different (no less meaningful) path, it would pain me to have to sit and hear them talk about their kids. Not because i don’t care about them (although i don’t really care about their kids, that would be kind of weird if i did) but because i hate children. That’s right, i said it and am prepared to be ostracized, but children are the worst thing since (insert the most terrible thing you can think ofª, multiply by 8, then subtract 4).

That is the number one reason why i would rather have the skin peeled off my body than attend a reunion. Children. The number two reason is time. I don’t have time.


Person 1 - Matt, how are you?

Matt - Your child just threw feces on me.

Person 1 - That’s not my child that’s an angry out of control baby orangutan. . . . . wait, that one? Yeah, that’s my child.

Matt - Bye.

*End of Scenario*

Some of you are probably wondering if i hate kids that bad, how can i function? How can i go outside? How can i live a normal life? Well, i’ll tell you right now that it’s difficult, but as Charles Darwin once said, “Even if you hate children, you still have to be a normal functioning human being, so evolve, suck it up and deal, yo”, which is what i do, but i also avoid childed areas whenever possible, thus the reason for avoiding high school reunions.

Anyway that's it. I'm finished.

Oh, quick thought. I was discussing this post today and somebody brought up the fact that if you’re senior class president, you accept the responsibility of setting up reunions the REST OF YOUR LIFE. Ha. Sucks to be you, tom. Good luck with that.

ª if you can’t think of anything, try the number 83.75. I’ve heard it’s a crappy number.