Monday, March 21, 2011

Born to Wear Shorts: Jean Shorts

Since the beginning of time, the age of man has been a work in progress. An ever evolving species that has overcome many obstacles, and yet still struggles with it’s daily existence. Most conflicts that occur around the globe are insignificant in the grand scheme of things, but there are a few that stand out above all others. They are not the conflicts that deal with money, religion, or hate. They are the conflicts that deal with life and the pursuit of happiness. The desire to be free. To be able to run and live in what we, as a human race, were born to be in. To be able to live in shorts. Jean shorts.

Humans have spent the last 7 billion years evolving into what we are today. A perfect machine. Able to combat diseases, withstand blunt force trauma, and covered in the best waterproof breathable covering, our machines could in theory live forever. However as life begins, so does the countdown until we die. The minute we gasp our first air, our fate, like an envelope, is sealed.

Along with the mechanics, the machine has intelligence. The human brain, which can weigh up to 14 pounds, is what makes us who we are. It gives us meaning, and has helped us create the greatest civilization on the planet. It has also given rise to human ingenuity. Ingenuity that has created clothing that has helped us combat the wear and tear of this planet, and has allowed us look death in the eyes and say, “you need a tan”. Ingenuity that has created shorts. Jean shorts.

About 2-3 million years ago, humans started wearing jean shorts. The natural organic cotton was easy to come by, which freed up time to do other things, like hunting and gathering, and creating crude feudal systems.

As time went on, the jean shorts industry continued to grow, as well as the other industries associated with it. The pocket industry, the belt loop industry, and the zipper industry boomed. The frayed legs industry grew for a while, until people realized that they could fray the shorts themselves. It eventually went the way of the sandals-with-built-in socks industry. However, despite it’s incredible success, the jean shorts industry wasn’t meant to be.

During the dark ages, kings and queens, thinking they were fashionistas, subverted the jean shorts industry and started pushing their own agendas. Suits of armor were the “choice” of “fabric” and their subjects were forced to wear them. But due to the incredible weight, and the awkward way they appeared on women, farming activity declined and the population decreased. Society was in a downward spiral and headed for disaster. That is until a group of T-shirt designers, who had stock in the jean shorts industry, got together one fall afternoon.

The T-party, which is now known as the tea party, was created to rally the people and fight the rulers for the freedom to wear whatever they wanted. At first, people thought the T-party was stupid, because of their ignorant and racist remarks, but as time went on, and the longing for jean shorts continued, they gathered more and more support until they had enough people to overthrow the ruling kings and queens.

Jean shorts were once again the clothing of choice, and civilization thrived.

The Renaissance, which literally translates into the “rebirth of jean shorts” gave rise to a long list of astronomers, mathematicians, musicians, artists, and olympians, who all attribute their success to jean shorts. Michaelanglo’s “David” was first created wearing jean shorts, but they were later taken off during a short phase of bulgarian nudity. Humans were on top, and life went on.

But now the jean shorts industry has once again found itself toppling down. Only in the last 60 years have humans shied away from natural cotton fabrics and started wearing synthetic fabrics. Most attribute this to the unholy union between the fabric industry and the french fashion industry, who bought stock in each other’s industries. They paid advertising companies huge amounts of money to blitz the public with commercials showing attractive men and women wearing synthetics. Greed fueled what we wore, and the synthetic fabric industry has been on top ever since.

Wars have increased, education is losing funding, and poverty is on the rise. Hatred has taken over where gratitude and love once stood and now dictators reign supreme. Even in america. What happened?

Somewhere along the lines, humans have lost their edge and i venture to say that it might be about the time when we stopped wearing jean shorts. We’ve come this far only to be shut out by the corporations that say they’re helping us. It’s time we revert back to what we evolved to be in. What we were born to be in. It doesn’t matter that we’re living longer now then at any other time in history. Jean shorts are our past and our future. I hope you would all join me there.

Also, i’m trying this new thing, you see, humans evolved not wearing sunglasses, so i’m not wearing sunglasses anymore. Also, humans evolved killing mammoths, so i’m going to start killing mammoths. Also, humans evolved not going to the moon, so we probably shouldn’t do that anymore either.

ug. Idiots.

In case you’re completely in the dark, i’m making fun of people who run barefoot.


MindySue said...

I can't believe you posted this w/o a picture. I really think that we should see photographic evidence of the amazing-ness of jean shorts.

Bryan James said...

Brilliant, Matt. Simply brilliant. In my opinion, this is your finest work yet.

With your recent discoveries, now all you need to do is run a few thousand miles, and then start writing books and traveling the country speaking at dinner events where you charge $20 a plate.

merk said...

you're only not wearing sunglasses because you lost yours

Brent said...