Wednesday, March 2, 2011

High School Reunions: I’d Rather Peel The Skin Off My Body


If i attended high school with you, you might not want to read this. Just saying.

*End of Disclaimer*

My 10 year class reunion is coming up. And by coming up, i mean next year. So i guess it’s not really coming up. Well, i mean it is, but i made it sound more urgent than it actually is. . . . . was? . . . . . is? . . . . . never mind. 10 years out of high school. Eff.

What does this mean? Two things.

1. i’m getting old.

2. i need to prepare to take home most successful person, instead of biggest parental disappointment.

Let’s be candid here for a second or two or five. There is no other function a class reunion serves than to scope out the people you disliked in high school and ensure that you are better off than them. It’s like a miniaturized real life version of facebook, except you can’t ignore the friend requests or their wall posts or their messages or their updates. This is why i have never gone, nor will i ever go to one.

Ok, that sounds vain, but only because it is. Ha! Just kidding. Kind of. But seriously, i don’t ignore people on facebook. I used to, but that was back when i was immature. I’ve grown up a little and realized the importance of social media. Especially when it comes to self esteem.

Anyway, back to the reunion thing. Most people i went to school with are married with kids and careers and lives, and while i have chosen a slightly different (no less meaningful) path, it would pain me to have to sit and hear them talk about their kids. Not because i don’t care about them (although i don’t really care about their kids, that would be kind of weird if i did) but because i hate children. That’s right, i said it and am prepared to be ostracized, but children are the worst thing since (insert the most terrible thing you can think ofª, multiply by 8, then subtract 4).

That is the number one reason why i would rather have the skin peeled off my body than attend a reunion. Children. The number two reason is time. I don’t have time.


Person 1 - Matt, how are you?

Matt - Your child just threw feces on me.

Person 1 - That’s not my child that’s an angry out of control baby orangutan. . . . . wait, that one? Yeah, that’s my child.

Matt - Bye.

*End of Scenario*

Some of you are probably wondering if i hate kids that bad, how can i function? How can i go outside? How can i live a normal life? Well, i’ll tell you right now that it’s difficult, but as Charles Darwin once said, “Even if you hate children, you still have to be a normal functioning human being, so evolve, suck it up and deal, yo”, which is what i do, but i also avoid childed areas whenever possible, thus the reason for avoiding high school reunions.

Anyway that's it. I'm finished.

Oh, quick thought. I was discussing this post today and somebody brought up the fact that if you’re senior class president, you accept the responsibility of setting up reunions the REST OF YOUR LIFE. Ha. Sucks to be you, tom. Good luck with that.

ª if you can’t think of anything, try the number 83.75. I’ve heard it’s a crappy number.


Lara said...

Yeah, I always wondered about the collective brains of my senior class who voted slacker Robert Sullivan class pres.

And if you go - at least you'll be all exotic and followed your dreams. I was planning on gloating at my accomplishments like the fact that I didn't get fat, but then it just got depressing to see how much other people hated their lives and it was like they just went to relive their glory days because they peaked in high school and they wanted it back.

Also I only went because I work with Robert and he made me go.

Kira C. said...

Not sure I plan on going to mine ever because Facebook tells them all what I'm up to anyways. They've already done their comparing, and so have I.

ps-my kids are awesome.

Matthew said...

Just curious if anyone did the math?

MindySue said...

Nope. Didn't do that math.

Does this hatred of children also include your neices? If so, you get to break it to them.

Also, I wouldn't go around questioning what is "no less meaningful" until you've actually been on the other side. I appreciate that you have a wonderful, successful, fulfilling career, but until you have a kid you have no clue. No. Clue.

There's my dose of negativity. Deal.

Tom (yes that Tom) said...

Thanks Matt. And anytime you wanna help with this lifetime burden of mine you just let me know! And FYI, we are planning an adults only part of this reunion if you ever find the time to join us

Matthew said...

Adults Only!?!?! I'm IN!