Monday, March 7, 2011

How to Piss People Off In One Easy Step: I'll Give You A Hint. It Rhymes With Shmenocide

There is nothing more fun then making somebody mad to the point of turning red. It’s just something that i thoroughly enjoy doing. Whether it’s writing about them on this blog, sending them tiny bombs in the mail, or tripping them in the grocery store, it really just makes my day to hear them scream “MAAAAAAATTTTTTTT” in hate, similar to the way captain kirk screams the name “KAAAAAAAHHHHHNN”. So awesome.

Anyway, like the title eludes, genocide would be an easy way to piss people off, but it’s pretty terrible and not all that classy. Nobody likes a genocidist (one who genocides), but if you look in the newspapers and on the interweb, everyone loves a nice d-bag. Seriously. You’d think being a d-bag would exclude you from being popular, but for some reason, people love hanging out with d-bags. Especially women.

Anyway, with no further ado, i present to you matt’s simple guide to pissing people off in one easy step. . . .and by one easy step i mean several complicated steps. . . . and by several complicated steps, i mean fiveº fairly straightforward steps. Ok.

1.You really want to be on your game, so prepare the night before by carbo-loading. Eat a bunch of pasta, or some crab legs. You never know when you might be running until you throw up. Don’t laugh. You think being chased by a 300 pound angry man is funny? You wouldn’t if he caught you. Be prepared. I thought i’d never use that phrase after cub scouts, but it turned out to be quite handy.

2. Take self offense classes. Most people take self defense classes, but if you want the upper hand, you need to be prepared to offend people before they can defend themselves, so take a class or two a couple weeks prior to your offense. Ideally, you would enroll in a semester-long self offense class at your local university, but not everyone is in school, which is a nice segue into. . .

3. Go to school. It has more to do with offending people than you think. Nothing helps offending more than witty sarcasm. Whether it actually be offensive, or just using words above the offendee’s skill set, it’s very important that you educate yourself so as to be smarter than the other person. If that ship has sailed, stick to offending people on the interweb (like a blog or something) and use a dictionary and thesaurus.

4. For guys, it’s pretty important that you grow facial hair. It’ll add 10 points to your intimidation scale, unless it’s really pathetic facial hair in which case you’ll have to start about 6 months in advance to get it looking as disgusting as possible. Instead of intimidating the victim, you’ll want to disgust them. Both options work, but being disgusting is kind of gross, just saying. For women, we take it in kind of the opposite direction. Women need to be as petite and innocent as possible, so wear stripes or whatever and pretend to be nice.

5. The fifth and final step is the most important. This is where we actually piss the person off. Start by punching them in the face and end with getting the eff out of there.

Good luck.

º Number 6. is optional and it involves hiding a small poop in the offendee’s pillow, but let’s be honest, nobody but kevin reimer would do something like that.

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