Friday, March 18, 2011

The Segwey: A Segue to Success

Nothing screams money, success and second families like owning a segway.

What, fresh hell, is a segway you ask? Well, sit tight, because i’m about to blow your mind with a couple definitions.

The formal definition is: An uninterrupted transition from one piece of music or film scene to another. Kind of blah, right? Yeah. My informal definition (which is definitely a far superior definition) is: An awesome way to get around big corporate complexes and/or the park and/or town and/or the moon. Especially if you’re super psyched on looking like a complete idiot and getting people to hate you.

Is your mind blown? Probably not, because i lied to you about the mind blowing thing. It was more of a ‘head nod in understanding’ sort of situation.

Ok, my hatred towards dumb forms of transportation runs so deep that nothing, not the mountains, or skiing, or a sweet climbing trip, could keep me from writing this post. Not even death could keep me from this. Maybe, just maybe a nice glass of Reed’s Dairy chocolate milk might, but other than that, nothing. Oh, and a Food Ranch butterfinger donut. And cutting down a big tree. Also, nutella crepes. Maybe those. But nothing else. . . . . I guess if lost both hands it might, but i’d probably find a way. It just might take a while.

Anyway, here’s a list of some different (definitely not mainstream because i, like hipsters, don’t like anything mainstream) forms of transportation that i’d rather use than a segway.

Dragged through the streets by a team of horses.
An ostrich (however i’d rather use an ostrich to get around than most other forms of transportation including teleportation)
Any bus in Vietnam
Actually, any bus operating in the south east asian area.
A nimbus 3000. Duh.
A chariot, but only if it had spikes on the side
The worm (break dance move, not tiny animal)
The worm (the tiny animal)
A conveyor belt made out of hair (which, by the way, creeps me the eff out, so you can see how much i hate the segway)

That’s about it. i can’t think of anything else.

Anyway, one thing i found super ironic, and also one of the reasons i don’t use the segway, is that the owner of the company died on one. Well, technically, he wasn’t on it when he died┬║, and i guess that was the problem because he rode off a cliff, which is terrible, but i can’t help but chuckle when i think what was going through his head as he soared over the edge. Probably “EFF MEEEEE”. I know that if it were me, i’d probably think “well this is ironic”, but only because i’d like to think God has a sense of humor and it might make him laugh.

Irregardless of irony, the bottom line is if you ride a segway, you’re an idiot and you deserve everything that happens to you.

┬║ i would have tried to ride it out, but that’s how i roll


MindySue said...

ahahahahaha! love your list of alternate transportation!

Kira C. said...

If I had the money for one I'd buy something else.

Anonymous said...