Thursday, April 21, 2011

The Boulder Diet: Best Diet Ever

I heard through the grapevine that i’ve “let myself go” . . . . . Laura. I think this means that i’m not as in shape as i used to be. Or maybe it means that i’m fat. Either way, it’s quite understandable since i don’t climb as much as i used to, but i thought that after giving up eating a quart of ice cream every couple days that i could at least fool people when i’m fully clothed. :( Apparently NOT. Or. . . . . i’m naked far too often.

Anyway, i decided that i’m going to try a new diet i heard about the other day. It’s called the Boulder diet. I think it’s named after Boulder, Colorado because that’s where it originated, but i’m not sure. It could also be called the boulder diet because it helps you climb harder boulder problems. For the purpose of this blog, we’ll just keep it lowercased. Either way. I’m psyched.

I looked up the diet online and the instructions were pretty simple. I copy and pasted them over to my blog. I hope you enjoy!!!!

THE BOULDER DIET

1. Start your boulder diet by doing lots of yoga, or by playing some frisbee golf. You really need to get your mind set on losing as much weight as humanly possible without dying. This is key because if you die, then it kind of defeats the purpose of being on a diet. However you would end up super skinny, so it might be a trade off.
2. To start the boulder diet, it’s essential that you buy a Volvo (I just bought one.  they're awesome), as well as purchase a couple huskies (one of which must be named karma). If you’re having trouble finding huskies, a type of lab will work but keep in mind you won’t be as cool as a husky owner.
3. If you’re having trouble paying for these things, then you might not be cut out for the bouldering diet because it is necessary that you’re living off of a trust fund, that way, you don’t have to worry about work and you can concentrate on the weight issues.
4. If you don’t have a trust fund and you’re still focused on the diet, you might try being legitimately homeless. They’re skinny as well.
5. Wash with Dr. Bronners “magic shampoo”. This will get your hair nice and not washed, making you the envy of everyone. Remember. It’s important that you inspire jealousy, otherwise, what’s the point.
6. Last thing. Start an 8a.nu account. (for the purpose of my blog i’m going to explain what this website is. It’s an awesome place where rock wranglers can post how much stronger they are than other wranglers. It also takes all the fun out of wrangling. YAY!!!!)
7. Now that you’re mentally prepared to start the diet, you’ll begin with lowering your caloric intake to 500 calories a day.
Keep this up for 2 weeks. If you haven’t started passing out at random times, you’re now ready to start phase 2 of the boulder diet.
8. Not eating at all.
9. Listen, if you want to climb harder routes, then you’re going to have to cut back on the things that make you fat. Like food. And fun. And happiness. so stick with it. It’ll all balance out in the end. . . . . . maybe.

If the boulder diet is too much, you could try the salt lake diet, which is essentially the atkins diet, however instead of eating just meat, you eat just Carl’s Junior and/or Taco Bell. The diet is actually an anti-diet because you gain weight, but you feel good and you’re generally happier than most people.

Good luck, and be safe.

6 comments:

Becca said...

This is by far, your best blog entry yet.

Matthew said...

obviously you haven't read all 200.

Kira C. said...

One thing I know. When an Irving says "out of shape" they really mean "ridiculously in shape and could probably model for Calvin Klein underwear." Cool diets though haha.

Matthew said...

aaaaaaaaaaaaaand that is correct.

MindySue said...

Not ALL the Irvings. When I say out of shape, I mean it.

Devery said...

Oh my gosh. I love it.