Sunday, April 10, 2011

Crappy Facial Hair: Why Bother

*Attention: This post is more centered around men, more specifically ryan moon*

I don’t want to be a hater because nobody likes a hater, but i’m going to go against the grain and make a gripe. . . . . . .a mega gripe. . . . . gripe gripe gripe.

It bugs me when guys (sometimes girls) try and grow a mustache when they can’t.

I feel weird about griping about it because they (and by they i mean ryan moon) physically have no control over it, but hey, when in rome, right?

I feel like everyone should have a mustache at some point in their life. It garners respect, as well as intimidates and scares people. It’s the swiss army knife of facial hair. If you have a mustache, you could be mistaken for a mexican, pedophile, biker, redneck, 70’s porn star, hipster, and much much more.

I’m torn because everyone should have a mustache, but those that can’t grow one, shouldn’t grow one.

It’s like certain photoshop functions (partial color photography). Just because you can do something, doesn’t mean that you should. The difference is that, while technically they can grow something similar to a mustache, it really is just gross and makes me throw up. Actually, that’s not a difference, because partial color photography is gross as well. . . . . Ok, the difference is that one is hair (or the lack thereof), and the other is photoshop.

Do you know what else makes me throw up? tomatoes. And sticking my finger down my throat.

Here is the bottom line. If you can grow a mustache, at some point you should. It will benefit you in the short, middle and long run. But if you can’t grow a mustache, you should do us all a favor and laser hair your face because there really is nothing more pathetic than seeing a faint mexi-stash. Especially on ryan moon.

ps - ryan, i didn’t want to single you out, but jake nelson told me that if i did, he would name his baby after me. Your mustache isn’t gross, it’s powerful. Keep up the good work. . . . . . Well, i mean it is gross, but in a powerful way. A powerfully gross way.


HABBS said...

I would like to ad my word as a form of testimonial to Matt's quips of facial hair famines. I have grown a mustache on a number of occasions and I feel confident that my mustache would win most fights. I didn't know I could grow such a mustache. With that in mind, there are no cinderella story mustaches. No lovable loser.
I am sure if you can't grow a mustache there are other hobbies one might be good at, knitting, interior design, and not using a swiss army knife.
Good luck and may the mustache be with you.
Matt, good post. I laughed

Matthew said...

hobbs, your comments are a great addition. You might consider being a permanent commentator (one who comments). Just a thought. Feel free to post links to great mustaches. such as. . . .

MindySue said...

"swiss army knife of facial hair" *SNORT* LOVE IT!

Rogue Valley Runners said...

"When in Rome" from the master mustachio.