Friday, April 29, 2011

The Royal Wedding: O M G(aaaaaaaaaaaaah)

I was so excited to stay up late last night and soak in all the royalness. I truly felt like a little prince. All my roomies got together and made tea and crumpets and then we all dressed up (scott riddle was a queen, as usual), and then we threw rice when they came out of the church. It was just the cutest little thing i’d ever baaaaaaaaaaaaaaarf.

Sorry, i tried to keep up the act, but i couldn’t. I was trying to keep my posts to twice a week, but with all the royal wedding crap that’s been going on, i figured i might as well capitalize on the fact that people are idiots. IDIOTS. So if you could just send me five bucks a piece, that’d be great. It’s either that, or i’m going to start singling each one of you out. That means you bryan wheat.

Just kidding. . . . kind of.

Anyway, back to that other thing. Why are people so excited about this? I thought America was all about freedom fries and birth certificates and now they’re fixated on this sham of a wedding. Do you guys know that England is governed by a constitutional monarchy and that they support universal healthcare? That’s essentially communism. How can you people support communism and feel good about yourselves.

The only thing the royal wedding is doing is taking focus from the more important issues like Obama faking a birth certificate. Come on. I’ve seen enough photoshopped birth certificates (i’ve dabbled in birth certificate forgery) to know that one is FAAAAAAKE!!!!

All that aside, didn’t any of you see that hairy is bald (pun). Not zombieland-guy-bald, but uncomfortable-pervy-guy-in-the-library-bald. And her dress was ugly as sin. She should have gone with a half smock/miniskirt/camo combo. I would have. . . . . And speaking of england. What’s with all their bad teeth. I mean, they’re lucky that their accents are so awesome, otherwise i’m pretty sure we’d invade them.

Happy wedding!

4 comments:

Anonymous said...

Not to detract from your witty pun, but for correctness sake, I feel I should point out that Harry is the one with hair. William, who got married today, is the one who is balding.
Also, all the morning news show coverage (Macy's Thanksgiving Day parade style) made me want to vomit.

Matthew said...

oh, thanks for the correction. Seriously. I'm just bummed because it would have been a good pun.

MindySue said...

I didn't watch it...didn't even know it was happening today or yesterday or whenever. But I did see pictures of her dress and I liked it...but those HATS. Oh my gosh! THOSE HATS!!

AndrewPrice said...

It's been driving me crazy. Weddings ceremonies are overdone as it is, but this thing is out of control. Glad it is now behind us. We can get on with our plans to evade England, if we owned them it would make our music scene so much better.