Sunday, May 8, 2011

The Age Of America: An Irving Manifesto

The age of america! The age of AmericaaaaAAAAAAA. Ameeeriiicaaaaaaa! Ameeeericaaaaa! Harmony and understanding! Sympathy and trust aboooouuunding!(should have sounded like the age of aquarius)

A couple weeks ago i read an article titled “IMF Bombshell: Age of America Nears End”. It was disturbing on a couple different levels.

#1 - Not sure what IMF stand for, but i’m pretty sure it’s something like MILTGTTMW (Mother I’d Like To Go To The Movies With).

#2 - Why do people care what IMF’s Think? I mean, obviously they’re wrong 95% of the time because mareka will always be on top.

*slightly depressing sigh* The reality is, with our current habit of cutting education and increasing defense, we are loading the gun that we will inevitably use to shoot ourselves in the foot. We’re going to end up with a military run by a bunch of morons and an economy that is worth about as much as a bag of dongs. Hot dongs. The ones you buy at Smith’s Food and Drug. . . . . So about $2.49.

I think it’s a good idea to keep in mind that a military is only relevant if you have the economy to back it up, otherwise, you end up like the soviet union; completely broke and addicted to vodka. 20 years later and they are barely pulling themselves out of the dirt, wondering what happened the night before, worried that they impregnated someone. Yes, there are some striking differences between communist russia and an economically crippled America. But there are some striking similarities as well.

Actually 3 similarities that i can see, and by 3, i mean none, so i’m just going to make stuff up.

#1 - Russia didn’t have a middle class: That’s weird, isn’t the American middle class going the way of the cassette tape.

#2 - Russia was nationalistic: Russia was on top and nothing was going to change that. . . except running out of money. With the current glenn beck fanatics (i actually used the word “fanatic” in place of a different word, because my mom would be disappointed in me) running around thinking mareka is the greatest and will always be, it has me wondering if we’re headed down the same path.

#3 - Russia was communist: If obama had his way, we’d all be wearing the same grey outfits.

Anyway, those are some ridiculous accusations, but i stand by them. Not directly by them, but in the same vicinity. . . . Ok, i can see the accusations from where i’m standing, but i need some binoculars to do so. Also, i’m hiding behind a tree. Also, i’m naked. Right now. Typing this. . . . . . .

. . . . . That being said, I’m not saying America isn’t great. I really love living here. I enjoy the freedoms that allow me to write this even though it’s the same freedom that allows the westboro baptist “church” attendees to be crazy insensitive jerks. I enjoy taking my mossberg 590a1 9 shot and shooting things such as tires, bottles, cars, cow carcasses, etc. . . . I enjoy a lot of the freedoms that i couldn’t have anywhere else, but at the same time, i’m acutely aware that we’re not perfect.

A country that is infused with christian values has the least christian healthcare system on the planet. . . . . next to nazi germany. I was also taught that receiving education is one of the most important things you could ever do, and i think it’s safe to say that most people were taught that as well. Now, all i hear is how education is being cut and school is becoming too expensive for the middle and lower classes.

Education is the single most important aspect of any one person’s life, next to being born into money.

We’re getting rid of that for reasons not understood. It might be because people are so incredibly selfish, they don’t want to pay taxes that go to public education because they don’t have any children in public education. That would be interesting because someone did it for them, but they can’t do it for anyone else. Real mature. Ok ok, I’m sure there are other reasons as to why people hate the public education system. It’s not perfect. That would be an impossibility. But i think people expect that, and that my friends, is a stupid thing to expect.

In conclusion, We’re going to be #2, next to china and personally, i don’t think it’s a bad thing. It’ll be a huge weight off our shoulders and then maybe we can concentrate on other things like learning mandarin instead of stupid things like birth certificates.

Also, i’m still naked.

Also, sorry this one was so political. I promise the next one will be about something a little more stupid, like turtlenecks.


MindySue said...

"Loading the gun that we will eventually use to shoot ourselves in the foot"

I couldn't agree more. We are digging our own grave.

Richard said...

I think most people agree teachers should get paid more, etc. etc. But U.S. also pays more than any other country on public education. We're number one!

It's a complicated problem for sure, but if you only give the problem more money I doubt it will solve anything. I like the idea of charter schools, a metric based teacher review system, a few more things...

Kira C. said...

Not complicated.