Sunday, August 21, 2011

Bacon: The Worst Kind of Meat on the Planet

Ok, i lied, the title was just an attention grabber. Bacon is not the worst kind of meat on the planet. That award easily goes to a chicken foot i tried in taiwan. Not the taste, but the texture. And i might not even call it meat.

Anyway, back to bacon. I kind of meant what i said. I really don’t find it that good. So what’s the problem? The problem is that it seems like every person (american) i meat seems to think that bacon is the greatest thing on the planet and they would love to take bacon baths if it didn’t clog up their pores. So what’s the problem? The problem isn’t that they love bacon, it’s that they think i’m either unamerican or not a man, because i don’t like eating greasy burned strips of pig fat. Pick any middle-aged red neck that likes bacon and pick any Muslim that doesn’t and they would have a conversation like this.

MARN (middle aged red neck) - hay meng, wanna eat some greasy pig fat with me?

M (muslim) - no, it’s actually agains. . .

MARN - NO??!!?!!?!?!?!?!?! That’s the most unamerican thing i’ve herd all day. How can you live here and not eat bacon?!?!?!

M - well, actually it’s agains. . .

MARN - I mean, i’ve meat a lot of peoples at wal-mart and every single one of thim loves merica and bacon. Do you hate merica??!?!!

M - sometimes, but not bec. . .


M - i tried to tell you it’s agains. . .

MARN - BACON HATER!!!! How do you even call yourself a man?

M - because i have all the necessary male reproductive organs that are required.

MARN - don’t you speak fancy t’me with yer fancy werds and yer fancy clothes. I’m merican. MERRRIICAAAAAAA!!!!!

M - i know, it’s painfully obvious.

MARN - did yew just make fun of me?!?!?

M - no

MARN - alright thin, i’m gittin drunk.

Ok, kind of a stretch, but you understand where i’m coming from. I can’t even fathom how bacon loving wormed it’s way on to the list of requirements for being a man. I’m sure it’s right behind truck nuts, drinking beer, and beating your wife. It’s funny (not funny) because i was always under the assumption that being a responsible person (helping support your family, treating people fairly, paying child support on time, etc...) was the main requirement for being a “man”, not clogging your arteries with thin strips of grease. Hmmm. Guess i was wrong.

ps, bacon tastes terrible.

Oh, do you know what else? What’s the deal with people making all these different bacon related items, like bacon ties, bacon cologne, bacon guns, etc... It’s idiotic and a waste of time. Who the eff wants to smell like bacon? That’s like saying you want to smell like like a turd sandwich. Ug. Good luck with that, you idiots.


merk said...

Actually I really wouldn't mind smelling or tasting like Bacon from time to time. But that's not the point. The point is the best meat on the planet: Tocino. I don't know if you can get it in America because it's too delicious. It's like a caramelized heaven.

Kira C. said...

I would not put you on the list of the non-men. I've met some pretty bad ones, and I'm sure they all ate bacon.

Lara said...

My husband is not a bacon fan. It gets kind of tricky but I think certain recipe call for some bacon, like when you line the bottom of a Dutch oven with bacon before adding potatoes and chicken for campfire deliciousness. Can't do stuff like that with my guy. No bacon flavor at all. And he's still a man. I can vouch.