Thursday, October 13, 2011

The Free Flexor: Ug. Not Another Wiener Dumbbell

In order to fully experience this blog post, i’ll need you to watch this (don't forget to watch the video).

*Warning* Cannot unwatch *Warning*

Seriously, you cannot unwatch what you just watched. . . sorry.

Well, i guess there is one thing we can hopefully all agree on. The free flexor appears more wiener-like than the shake weight, both in shape and rigidity. But who is really comparing? I am.

My first complaint about the website (besides the video which we’ll get to momentarily) is the terrible font. For those of you who aren’t aware that terrible fonts exist, take note, because the free flexor website used every single one. My second complaint about the website is the shirtless creeper staring at you holding on to the shaft and ball of the dumbbell. I honestly have had a hard time looking at the website because of him. He makes me uncomfortable and I feel like i’ve been trying to avoid eye contact with him. My third and final complaint about the website is that exists in the first place, however props to the mixed race models. Way to hit your target audience.

Anyway, after glossing through the free flexor video, i’ve decided that the only way a wiener dumbbell could be produced is if a group of dudes got together and ended up daring each other to the point of production. At least that’s how I see it happening.

The real question is how on earth do these things get to the point where they are seen by people other than the imbeciles who imagine them? Somewhere along the line, relatively “smart” people looked at this thing and said “we might be able to sell enough of these dongbells to turn a profit. Let’s give it the green light”.

I guess that’s capitalism for you, huh? We live in a world where the drive to make money comes with a sacrifice. Some people sacrifice the innocence of children by forcing them to work long hours in a factory setting. Some people sacrifice the life savings of others, just to make a buck. Some people even sacrifice babies for no apparent reason. And then there are the people who sacrifice common sense by making the free flexor, which is now permanently burned into your retinas.

It’s really quite selfish if you ask me.

Tuesday, October 11, 2011

An Open Letter to Duck-face and I Guess I Might As Well Include Spray-on Tanning As Well.

Dear duckface,

How are you? probably pretty orange is my guess, but i’ll address that later in the letter. What i’d really like to talk to you about are your “myspace angle” photos. You know, the ones. You’re either looking into a mirror, making that pouty little face, throwing up a peace sign or some weird hand gesture, or you’re holding the camera above you so you look 10 pounds lighter, making a pouty face, trying to get your boobs to look as good as possible.

Stop it. You look ridiculous.

That face doesn’t actually make you look sexy. It makes you look like a duck, and the last time i checked, most people weren’t in to ducks. They actually receive little attention by humans, other than the occasional bread toss, and duck hunting. Also, my brother mark tackled a goose once. Broke it’s leg. But gooses aren’t ducks. Obviously.

Anyway, in case you weren’t familiar with the origins of duck-face, i’ve prepared a short history lesson for you.

The history of duck-face:

Back in the 1920‘s, people started doing it to make fun of others who were less intelligent. Eventually, the less intelligent people found out and just started doing it themselves, eliminating the middle man.

So, thanks for that.

Anyway, there you have it duck-facers. If you find yourself looking in the mirror and you’re holding a camera and you’re orange and you’re making a duck-face, and you’re throwing up a peace sign, then you should probably take a step back (not literally) and take a real good look at your life. I think you’ll be disappointed.

Oh, also, stop it with the spray tan. You remind me of an oompa loompa, not because of size, but because of color. I mean, I guess if that’s the look you’re going for, then more power to you, but not really because you’re an idiot.

ps - keep in mind that orange men are just as guilty of the duck-face as women, and they look just as ridiculous.

Wednesday, October 5, 2011

The Forever Lazy: Quite Possibly the New Worst Thing on the Planet

I haven’t had time to write, which sucks. I love writing. And even more than that, I love writing about incredibly stupid stuff. Stuff that i hate. Stuff that makes me sad for the world and sometimes pee myself. Anyway, writing about this stuff is a great stress reliever, similar to a hot shower or shooting a dead cow with a mossberg 590 a1 9 shot (google it).

So i’ve been taking a writing break, however my friend Hairy called me today and told me about something that made me come out of faux retirement. He told me about this:

That’s right ladies and gentleman and hermies and also the hyper-intelligent quail that live near my house who i’m pretty sure i’ve caught looking into my window in the morning (creepers). The makers of the snuggie (i will never capitalize that idiotic word) have outdone themselves by making the forever lazy. Essentially it’s a snuggie/footie pajama that you wear all the time, say, to the office or a baseball game. The funny thing is that no person or even intelligent quail would ever wear that in front of another human being or quail, without risk of death by humiliation. I would literally punch any person i saw wearing that. Literally. Man, woman or child. It wouldn’t matter. They would be feasting on a knuckle sandwich for lunch. Or maybe a fist filet for dinner. hahahahahahaha. Or maybe even a breakfast burrito with meat, cheese and a round house kick to the face (not as clever as the fist filet one. Really, i just typed that out and realized what i had written. Pretty amazed with myself).

Anyway, what get’s me about this thing isn’t the fact that they advertise it showing people wearing it outside even though nobody would be caught dead wearing it outside (even the undead probably wouldn’t wear it). It isn’t the fact that in the infomercial, they say that “some blankets are too big” which is like saying obama is a u.s. citizen (totally not true). It isn’t even the fact that the models were pulled from the closest twilight look-alike contest, although it’s close. What gets me the most is that during this time of economic trouble, they decided to promote laziness and general sluttery.

Let’s take a closer look at the colors they chose. At first glance, you see pink, blue, and gray. Hmmmm. That’s not so bad. That’s what i thought, until i looked at the names of the colors they chose. I’m not making these up.

Asleep on the Job Gray

Workday Blues

Hanky Pinky Fuchsia

What, fresh hell, is wrong with society? Yeah, let’s promote the overall idea that hating work, being lazy and whoring yourself out is something we should all put in to practice. It’s a great. idea, right up next to the tea party, and any kitchen machine that takes up a ton of space and only makes one thing (sandwich maker! what’s up with that?). I mean, it’s great for a couple people to do that. Fine, you know, whatever, but to promote it as a way to have fun and be happy? That just seems a little farfetched, don’t you think?

The only good thing about the forever lazy is the poo zippers. I wish my jeans had those.

* I imagine that some of you are thinking that i myself, do nothing at work, and you’d be CORRECT!